Exhausted

It was dark.

I had come from an evening college class and only the streetlamps were on now.

It was cold.

I was shuffling home through the ankle-deep snow from the city bus stop.

The wind bit my legs, stung my eyes, and deafened me. I had a horrible ache in my lower back from the consistent weight of my backpack and there was a pressure building in my head.

I picked up my pace to a speed walk. I wanted to get home. At home, I could put down the weight of the day and pick up my heart and soul. Joey was 6 but was completely a mommy’s boy. I knew he would still be up waiting for me.

He didn’t fully understand why I was gone a lot. Why I was leaving him with my parents so often. I used to get him off the bus every day. Then I was only there once a week. I did my best to be with him as much as I could. I didn’t go out with classmates; I always came straight home. I would call in absent to my professors whenever he was sick so I could be with him. But there was still time and memories lost with him. It was a stress we both carried.

I felt my throat tighten with guilt. I coughed to loosen it.

I had to go to college. I had to make a future for us where we owned our own house. Had our own life. To be free. Not told we were parenting wrong, shushed for playing too loud, reminded of the burden we were in subtle ways.

I felt my jaw clench with anger. I breathed deep to calm myself.

I hated having time alone to think. I always did this to myself. I had a hard time thinking about the positive when my son wasn’t with me. Usually, I had headphones in to block out my thoughts, but they had fallen out of my shirt and I had stepped on them as I left school for the bus. It had been a long bus ride.

I picked up my pace to a small jog. My parent's house was in view. I kept my eyes on it. Straining to see if Joey had snuck down from our room to wait for me by the window.

Suddenly, my feet had gone from under me and I slammed down on one knee which gashed it. I looked around angrily for what I had slipped on.

A yellow lace attached to a nylon bag was tangled around my feet. I pulled it off.

“Who left this here?!”.

Annoyed, I pushed myself up and continued walking.

I reached the driveway and walked up to the door. I unlocked it and slowly pushed it open to avoid being “too loud”.

Once in, I kicked off my boots and scurried upstairs with my coat and backpack still on.

I opened the door to our bedroom and before I had gotten in and closed it, I heard movement on the bed.

“Mommy!”, I heard the blankets being tossed aside and small feet hit the ground.

“Hello, my love”, I turned on the light and as I did, I realized I still had the nylon bag in it. I didn’t have time to ponder on it before a small human rammed into my stomach and wrapped his arms around my legs.

“I missed you”, he nuzzled his nose on my coat.

“I missed you too baby”, I draped my arms over him and lowered my head. I breathed in deeply. Taking in his smell. I felt my body calm. I could have lived in that moment.

“How was your day Joey?”, I hesitated to ask. It was often that my mother had been annoyed with him for any little reason.

“It was okay”, he moved back to look up at me as he answered. “We watched dragons and had noodles for dinner”.

The stress I had carried through the day about how Joey’s day was going lifted.

“Alrighty, I’m just going to put my stuff down and get changed then I’ll come to cuddle you”. I hoped the cut on my knee wasn’t visible to him. He was protective of me. He worried about me. He shouldn’t have to worry about his mommy, but we had been through too much and he knew I wasn’t invincible.

“Okay I’ll wait in the blankets”, he turned and jumped back onto the bed.

I dropped my backpack off my shoulders which caught the nylon bag and I placed both on the floor, undid my coat, dropped it on the pile, and grabbed some pajamas. I turned the light out and headed to the bathroom before he noticed my knee.

Once I got into the bathroom, I placed my pajamas by the sink. I avoided looking into the mirror. I knew I looked tired and beat. I pulled off my sweater and shirt together. Then I peeled my jeans off and looked at my knee. There was a small cut that had bled a bit. I grabbed a face cloth, ran it under warm water, and began to clean the cut.

Once the blood was cleaned, I quickly got into my pajamas and picked up my used clothes.

I dropped the clothes on our floor and checked that my 9:45 pm alarm was on so I could get up to do an assignment while Joey slept. Then I climbed into bed with Joey. I wrapped my arms around him. He snuggled in.

“I love you baby, Goodnight.”

“Love you”, he yawned the words and fell asleep.

It was still dark, but it was warm here. I let my body relax and dozed.

It felt like no time had passed when I heard my alarm.

I breathed in deep and reached over to turn it off.

Stiffly I got up. I used my phone's flashlight to shuffle over to my backpack to collect what I needed. As I pulled out my books and laptop the light shone over the neon bag which caught my attention. I had forgotten about that. I grabbed it as well and took everything down to the dining room table.

I put my laptop down, then my books and phone beside it. I pulled a chair out and slumped down with the bag still in my hand. I tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and breathed deep. My eyes hurt. My head hurt. I wanted so badly to go back to Joey, but I knew I had to do this. I had to graduate. For Joey.

I raised my head and looked down at the bag. I took in a deep breath which turned into a yawn as I pulled the bag open.

“Oh my goodness!”, I slapped a hand over my mouth. “Oh my goodness”, I whispered. I reached into the bag and pulled out two neat stacks of $100 bills held together with paper strips. I placed them onto the table side by side and looked at them. They were symmetrical. Clean. Not a crinkle. They must have been withdrawn recently. But I couldn’t think of anyone in this neighborhood who would carry such money.

I reached forward and touched one of the stacks. My hands were shaking. I lifted the top bill and held it between my fingers. There must be thousands of dollars in there!

I stuffed the money back in the bag and ran up to our room. I opened my closet, shoved the bag into my laundry, and turned around to rummage through the nightstand.

“Where is it?”

“There!”, I pulled out a small black faux leather book and rushed back downstairs. I hated this book. Written inside were my debts. The greatest was my visa balance and student loans. Those alone totaled over $35,000. But this money I had found could take down my visa balance considerably. It had higher payments and interest. That would be such a relief!

I had begun to cry as I thought about it.

But whose money was this? Would they come looking for it? Did they need it for their debts? Did they have children? How could I be so selfish as to steal someone else’s money? My heart sank and my tears ran faster.

I had a rare opportunity in my hands, but I felt guilty thinking about it. I stared at the wall across from me until I had stopped crying. I looked down at my book once more before closing it.

Slowly I went back upstairs to bed.

I dreamed.

I was outside in a neighborhood I didn’t recognize. I knew I was trying to find my way home, but I was lost. I panicked.

Out of nowhere, I heard Joey scream “Don’t let them take me, mommy!”.

I looked around me at. My heart was beating so fast it hurt. I felt like I could puke.

I opened my mouth to scream for him, but I had no voice.

“You couldn’t afford to give him the best life so he’s going to live with someone who can”, a familiar voice sneered at me.

My throat was tightening, I was crying.

I spun around. My eyes searched wildly. “Where is my Joey?!”. A small dark vehicle was pulling out of a driveway with Joey in the back. He was crying and looking at me. I couldn’t hear him anymore, but I could see he was screaming for me and banging the window.

I tried to run after him, but my legs weighed so much, and it felt like I was sinking. I tried to scream as I choked on my tears. I reached out for him.

“Don’t take my Joey! Please I’m begging you! I can take care of him!”, the words never left my mouth.

I shot up out of bed. There were real tears coming down my cheeks, my throat felt like I had been strangled and my heart pounded out of my chest.

I gasped for air and clenched my chest.

As I calmed down, I looked over at Joey sound asleep next to me.

I could take care of Joey!

I got up quietly, quickly grabbed the nylon bag from our closet, and coat from our floor. I scurried downstairs and slipped into my brother’s boots. I looked out the door and peeked at which of their vehicles was at the end of the driveway. Dad’s. I grabbed its keys and slipped out the door, locking it behind me.

I backed out of the driveway. The bank was less than a 5-minutes away. I reached it quickly and ran inside to the ATM machines.

I pulled my wallet out of its usual spot in my coat pocket and opened it to retrieve my bank card. I pushed the card into the machine.

The display came up.

Please enter your pin.

I punched in the numbers.

What transaction are you doing today?

Deposit.

A slot opened underneath the screen and a motor began rumbling.

I took a deep breath. Pulled open the nylon bag. Took out a stack and broke the paper strip. Slowly I put the money into the slot.

The machine grasped it and began sucking it in. I jumped. Then quickly grabbed the other stack and did the same.

The motor kept rumbling for what seemed like forever. My heart pounded as I waited to see how much it was. Then it stopped and the screen display came up saying:

$20,000 confirm deposit?

I stared at the number. I felt my eyes beginning to water. I took a deep breath and pushed “Yes”.

Any other transactions?

Yes.

What transaction are you doing today?

Pay visa bill.

Please ender amount.

Slowly I pressed the numbers, pausing after each until it read “20,000”. I hit the enter button.

Confirm amount?

Confirm.

Transaction Complete.