Escaping Insanity: Can Truth defy Lies?

Chapter One: One Thing Lead to Another

If you have ever had the pleasure of experiencing a narcissistic person, then you know how excruciating your life can become. What is almost as bad as being the focal point of a narcissist is watching one attempt to destroy the people you love. Before August of 2020, I had the displeasure of watching, for two years, as the mother of my fiancé's children tried with all her might to alienate him from their children. As a disclaimer, not every Mother is a villain, not every Father is a deadbeat, and not every Step-mother is wicked. With that been said names will be changed to protect the innocent. However, this is our story and our truth.

I originally met my fiancé in 2010. This was way before he was married to his ex-wife. You see, in our "Big" city located in Northern Alabama, we have a pretty decent local music scene. My fiancé (we will call him Carter), was in a pretty well known band that happened to play a lot of shows with a band that I really liked. Needless to say we frequented the same places and knew of each other. Meeting briefly a time or two. Carter was in a relationship at the time as was I. But our "big" city is still small enough for word to travel fast and we kind of kept up with one another from a distance. Carter and his girlfriend broke up. My boyfriend and I broke up. I went on to marry my ex-husband. He went on to marry his ex-wife. Together, they had two children, a boy and a girl. I ended up divorcing my ex-husband and Carter was split up from his ex-wife. All of this happened between 2010 and 2019.

Around the beginning of 2019, I received a message on Facebook from Carter. We began catching up and getting to know one another again after all of these tumultuous events that we had gone through the past nine years. Days passed and we were talking every day. We made plans around our kids schedules to hang out. We took it slow. But the universe had other plans. I was receiving a lot of harassments from my landlord over things that he was supposed to fix in my house and by April of 2019, I was done. Carter and I talked and we decided to move in together.

Now before the uprising begins, Carter was very open and honest about his relationship, or lack there of, with his ex-wife. At that point they were legally still married but had not lived together since 2017. I also knew she moved to south Alabama and they were in a custody battle in a county in middle Alabama. The only reason a divorce had not been granted yet is because custody had not been finalized and Carter's lawyer quit practicing law in the middle of their divorce. However, for the time being the court put in place a temporary order for them to follow. The order stated that he had joint primary and physical custody and was to have visitation with the children certain days and times every week. There was no child support ordered other than what was to be provided to the children while in each parents care. They divvied up all important decisions regarding the children. They split all holidays and birthdays (which he never received). And lastly, they were to meet at a halfway point between where we live and where she lives because she refused to allow him to meet at her home. She would never give him her address.

I want to give some understanding to the frustrations we faced. From the moment the court order was agreed upon and signed by the judge, it was not followed. Not once. I witnessed this during the first two years of our relationship. The ex-wife would not allow him the days and time he was given, only the days and times she chose. She would absolutely refuse to communicate with Carter directly. She would only speak to his mother, Laura. She absolutely refuse to meet Carter half way to drop the children off or pick them up. So for over two years, Carter or Laura would drive over three hours twice a week to pick them up and drop them off. When we would get the children they would be dirty from head to toe. Their hair hadn't been washed or brushed. You can forget about their teeth being brushed. They would either have on what we dropped them off in the week prior or they would have on clothes that were obviously too small. They were three and two when I first met them in April of 2019 and they would be wearing infant sized clothes. I wish I could say that this was the worst of it but I would be lying. Every single time they would be picked up, both children would be riddled with head lice. So if you have read on this far please follow me, Carter would pick them up around two or three on the pick up day, travel back to north Alabama, we would then bathe them and spend countless hours treating them for head lice, we would get to spend one whole day with them, treat them again the next morning for good measure, return the children to south Alabama, and all for them to go back to the place where they were not getting bathed and getting lice. Carter, Laura, and I did this for two years, all while reporting it to our new lawyer and getting told it was a hygiene issue and that we did not have enough evidence to do anything about it.

Now if you remember, I stated earlier that she would refuse to speak to Carter and that all communication would go through Laura. Well in October of 2019, Laura receive some less than nice messages from the ex-wife crudely inquiring about me. She had stated that she was upset she had not been notified about my existence. Which I would see as being a reasonable concern if it were not for her lack of communication with the father of her children. So I did what any person would do. I reached out via Facebook and introduced myself. I expressed to her that she was welcomed to ask me anything about myself. If she was concerned, I definitely wanted to ease her mind. Instead of inquiring about the woman that would be around her children, she began criticizing Carter and gave me a laundry list of deficits as to why he was a bad person, partner, and father. I explained that I had not seen these characteristics and that I was not going to take her word for it but that I would be available to speak to her about my character. She did not respond. So at that point we continued visitation like normal.

Fast-forward to December of 2019. Carter was supposed to get the children for Christmas. His time to pick them up was at noon on Christmas day. He began messaging her at around nine in the morning to make arrangements. She did not respond. Instead she messaged Laura to tell her that Laura could pick them up at two. Carter messaged her back after that. He stated that he would like to follow the court order since this was becoming a problem. She actually responded this time that the "court order didn't mean sh*t" and that the children could be picked up at two. He said he would have to involve the police if that was the case. We began our journey to south Alabama soon after and could not get a hold of her the entire way down there. We went to the police station in her town and they told us that they could escort us over to her residence but if she refused to open the door they could not make her. So again, we were forced to miss time with them and ended up picking them up at three o'clock instead of two for no other reason that she wanted to retaliate for Carter asking to get them at twelve. That evening we drove back to north Alabama and celebrated Christmas with our family. On the day that we were to take them back, the ex-wife messaged Laura and said she was sick and that we could keep them an extra day or two and also to make arrangements with her mother, Susan, to drop them off with her. We kept them until the 29th because that's when we could arrange with Susan. During that time, Carter's son began having trouble with his eyes. They were red like when you have hay fever. However, they were not runny or goopy like pink eye. We assumed that he was having a mild allergy to some shampoo that may have contained berries (he is allergic to blueberries) or an allergy to dog hair from my sisters house. We gave him some children's Benadryl and it seemed to help. As we were dropping the children off, we told Susan about the redness and asked if she would pass the information along to the ex-wife.

Everything seemed fine until the next visitation day which was New Years Day. Carter messaged her and she claimed she was taking the son to the doctor and that they would not be able to visit. I am unsure even in urgent care situations what doctor's office is open on New Years Day. However, we did not question it. The next visitation day rolled around. Carter messaged her to set up the pick up and he was met with, "They will not be coming to anymore visits because the son had gotten pink eye". At that moment we began hoarding cash to pay our lawyer because we knew we would have to go back to court.

Carter spent months messaging her to see if she would change her mind. We finally got to see them in April of 2020 but only because Susan let us come for a visit. We noticed at this visit that the children were still riddled with lice. And in June we had a court date. This would be our first official court date with our new lawyer and in order for him to "try every avenue to settle this easily" and in an effort to "give her enough rope to hang herself", Carter had to agree to redoing mediation which meant the case would not go before the judge that day. I would also like to add that Carter was on lawyer number two while the ex-wife had never once been represented. So our lawyer went back and forth to try and come to an agreement. The ex-wife, who had previously claimed she was going to home school, decided to put the son in public school for Kindergarten in August. By doing that, it cut Carter's parenting time down to every other weekend. And in hindsight we were stupid to believe she would put the son in school. We had a follow up conversation with her after this hearing to inquire about where he was going to school, whether or not he would be virtual or in-person, and if he needed any supplies. We were met with "He has everything." and nothing more. We asked several time about the school and whether he would be attending in-person and we got no response. She also asked for money for a the T.V. that sat in our living room which was a Christmas present Carter bought himself during their marriage. She wanted a truck that they had to abandon in a Wal-mart parking lot because it broke down, and a horse trailer that Carter had told her numerous time she could come and get whenever she wanted. All we walked out with that day was two weeks of make up time with the children and a closer meeting spot for exchanges.

When we picked the children for their two week visit, both children were extremely dirty and they smelled. Neither child had shoes on. The daughter's hair had something oily in it and surprisingly had been combed back into a braid. She had on a jumper that was two sizes too small and had nothing on underneath it. No shorts. No underwear. The son had on nine month old pant that looked like capris. We immediately took them home, bathed them, and checked their heads. Of course we found head lice. It was late and this particular time we had time so we treated them the next day. We also made an effort to make the most out of our two weeks and had a lot of fun. A couple of days before they went home I picked up enough lice shampoo to send some home as well as some underwear for the daughter. We treated them again before they went home and sent the shampoo and the underwear with the ex-wife. During drop off the ex-wife wanted to change days for visitation because she wanted to get her horse trailer and offered to bring them all the way to north Alabama. I know, shocking. Me too. Nevertheless, we agreed.

When we picked them up this time they were still dirty, however they did not have lice as bad and the daughter was wearing underwear. Not the ones I provided but still we can call this limited progress. We spent a nice weekend with them and returned them in better condition than how they came. We never expected what happened next.

Chapter Two: The Catalyst

We had returned the children on Sunday August 16th at the meeting place. It was always hard at exchanges because the children begged us not to take them back. We explained to them that we loved them very much but it was the ex-wife's parenting time. We also made sure they knew we would see them soon. And we made the trip home.

Before I get into the events of August 19th 2020, I would like to shed some light on what I had observed from this nightmare of a co-parenting relationship. The ex-wife never had discussions with Carter regarding the welfare of the children, she never allowed Carter to see where his children were living, and she never gave any inkling that things at home were not safe for the children to be there. We live exactly 123 miles away and she took every advantage of that to hide major issues that affected the children's well being. She used the façade that she was scared of Carter. She made claims that he abused her when in all actuality there are far more eye witnesses to her abuse of him. She went as far as to file an order of petition against Carter however when the court date came she had zero evidence of the horrible things she claimed were true and would not enter the court room. The petition was denied. I have also spoke to the ex-girlfriends that she claimed he abused. None of them corroborated her story. In fact they said Carter was patient and kind. That he had never so much as raised his voice to them. Which from my own experience has been just that. Carter is loving and attentive. He is patient and kind. He is trustworthy and understanding. Never once have I seen him be violent or aggressive. So as far as her story goes, it sounds like hog-wash. So now that I have made the picture a little more clear, let me get on with the story.

August 19th was like any other day, we both got up and got ready for work. I took my daughter to school. And we both went on to work. Carter and I both got off at the same time that day and made it home within a few minutes of each other. I did homework with my daughter and began cooking dinner. Carter was watching television. We ate dinner, watched a family movie, and I sent my daughter to get a shower before bed. As I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, Carter's phone began to ring. It was Susan. She explained that the ex-wife had called her because the Alabama Department of Human Resources had shown up with a police officer and removed all four of the children, Carter's two and the two she had with her current boyfriend. Carter was in a state of shock. He managed to get all the information from Susan quickly and hung up with her. He then called that county's DHR office. It was after hours so of course there was no answer. He the called that county's non-emergency police line. Again no answer. At that point his shock turned to panic and he decided to just call 911 and hope they would transfer him to someone in that county that he could speak to. The dispatcher did in fact patch him through to the police station and he spoke with an officer. The office gave him very brief detail but did confirm that the children has been removed and he would have to call the DHR office in the morning. We did not sleep that night.

The next morning, Carter called the DHR office. He spoke to an intake worker that passed his information on to the case worker. When she finally called back there was a lot of confusion. DHR in that county had been informed that the ex-wife's boyfriend was the father of all of the children and that they had no idea that they had a different father. Carter gave them all his information and explained that he and the ex-wife had an ongoing custody case in middle Alabama, that he had joint custody, and that he had just had a visit with them that weekend. The case worker said she needed time to check out all the information and that she would be in touch. All we knew at this point is that the ex-wife's home was considered unsafe for the children and that she had refused to name any type of family member for the children to go to. This meant all the children had gone into foster care. We were devastated and scared, confused and angry. We sat for hours wondering how they were physically and emotionally. At that point we decided to make phone calls. We called Laura and our lawyer. We also notified our employers because we would both need time off to jump through whatever hoops now laid before us.

It was a day later when we received another call from the case worker who let us know that as long as Carter's background check went through and the judge signed off on the paperwork, we would be able to pick the kids up that Monday. That was great news however that also meant that the children would stay in foster care until then. In the history of our relationship, that was the worst weekend we had had. Both Carter and I were very emotional and stressed over the entire situation. Thankfully my boss allowed me to take Monday off to get the children and I tried to keep my mind occupied until then. Carter was a complete wreck the entire weekend. However by Sunday night the tension had subside into excitement to see the children.

Carter and I woke up early Monday morning and waited for any news. We knew the DHR office closed at four that afternoon so we went a head and got ready to pack up and make the trip to south Alabama. Around ten, we got a call from the case worker. She said all they were waiting on was the judge to sign the papers and we could pick them up today. So with that we headed out. We checked in with the case worker at the half way mark of our trip. She said that they were still waiting on the judge but it should be done by the time we got to town so we kept driving. As soon as we hit the town where the ex-wife lived, we called the case worker. It was already three o'clock and we had a feeling that if the paperwork was not signed yet then more than likely we would not be taking the children home today. The case worker informed us that the judge had a medical emergency and the paperwork would not be signed until tomorrow. Devastation set in. Broken and defeated yet again, we made the trip back home without the children.

I had already used a personal day and could not take another one so the next morning I reluctantly got up and went to work. Carter began making phone calls around nine. By ten he had word that everything was signed and he could pick them up as soon as he got into town. He took Laura with him so he had support. They made it to town around two in the afternoon. Carter was messaging me with all the details so I would not worried while I was working. They waited around thirty to forty minutes and then finally after five excruciating days were reunited with the children. After some paperwork and putting all their stuff in the car they were on the way home. I was home maybe an hour when my family came strolling through the door. I was always happy to see the children but that day my heart burst open with excitement and joy. We were so very thankful that day.

To make the next part of this as clear and concise as possible, I will be less descriptive. We had several visits with the case worker. During these visits she would check out our house, interview the children, and speak to Carter and I about what to expect going forward. We learned that there was ongoing drug use in the home by the ex-wife's boyfriend, that the ex-wife was allowing the boyfriend to physically abuse Carter's children, and that her home was extremely unsafe for any of the children. We also addressed our concerns about them coming to our house dirty, in too small clothes, and having to battle the head lice they have had for two years. Due to the concerns regarding the physical abuse, the case worker set up an appointment at the Children's Advocacy Center here in our county. We took the children where they were interviewed and based on what they said a special investigator was sent out to interview the children. All of these interviews pointed to the fact that this woman was allowing her boyfriend to beat these children (They were four and five years old) with belts and smack them in the face. The son went on the tell these investigators that the boyfriend would call him names, including but not limited to "F*ggot".

During this time we also had court dates that Carter went to via ZOOM. The court was assess the progress of the case at each date and this spanned from August to December 2020. Each time he would make the decision to keep the children where they were. In December the met for there finally hearing where the judge ruled that the case would then be resolved. The ex-wife would get her other two children back but that she would have to go before the court in middle Alabama in order to settle custody with Carter regarding his two children. Our lawyer set up a date in January to come back to court. From August to December when the case was settled, the ex-wife made zero phone calls to her children, she went to zero arranged visits and she never once messaged to check on her children. It was the exact same once DHR exited the lives of Carter's children. Just radio silence.

After everything was settled with the court and DHR, we received a letter in the mail from DHR in that county. It was a descriptive report of why that children were removed from the ex-wife. Prior to receiving this letter we had only been given the blanket statement of "the house was unsafe" and what the children had told us about the abuse. The children were not really about to describe the level of disgusting their surrounds were other than the daughter telling the case worker about the "little white worms" under her bed. Which we both understood to be maggots. However this report gave us more insight into how the children lived than we could stomach. This is what the report contained.

The document states the information on the ex-wife and Carter. It says that the children were removed and placed with their father and that the ex-wife refused to complete a Relative Resource form on August 19th. It went on to say there was a report made about the living conditions in the home. It was reported that there was mold, dog feces, garbage and clothing strewn throughout the home. When a social worker arrived at the home the children were playing outside unsupervised. Carter's daughter and the ex-wife's daughter were outside wearing very little clothes. The baby girl was only wearing a diaper and Carter's daughter was only in a t-shirt. Neither child had on shoes and there was nails covering the ground. There was broken glass on the floor throughout the house. There was dishes in the bathroom and there were dirty diapers on the floor. It was also stated that DHR attempted to assess for relatives to complete a safety plan and that the ex-wife said she did not have any relatives and that she was not willing to sign a safety plan. The document went on to say that because of the boyfriend's history with drug abuse that he would need to complete a drug screen. The boyfriend said we would not screen that day but would screen the following day. The rest of the document states that they have set her up with help from the department to be rehabilitated and that they have also set up visitation with all of the children. It was also recommended by DHR that Carter retain custody of his two children until they both go before the courts in middle Alabama.

The moment that we gained custody of the children we began accomplishing everything that hadn't been done for them since being in the ex-wife's care. Neither child had been fully vaccinated. In order to get them into school we had to take them to the Health Department because we had not been given any of their medical information. Both children had multiple records where their names had been spelled differently and were tied to different doctor's offices. As it turned out, Carter's daughter's last vaccines were infant vaccines. She ended up having to get 11 vaccines in three rounds of shot. It was extremely traumatizing to her and we hated every minute of putting her through that. But it had to be done. Finally we got them both enrolled in school. The son in Kindergarten and the daughter in Pre-K. We also got them established with a pediatrician and began sending the children to therapy. We wanted to make sure that we were not only caring for their physical health but their mental health as well. How they had been made to live, being taken by strangers, and the ex-wife not contacting them was all very traumatic.

When we went to court in January 2021, our lawyer had told us that the judge in middle Alabama and the judge in south Alabama had spoken to each other and based on the evidence of the DHR investigation we were prepared to offer her supervised visitation and Carter retaining full custody. Our lawyer held mediation with us and with her because again she came to court without representation. He offered to help set up an an agency to help supervise visits at the half way mark . She declined all offers and insisted we go to trial. Our lawyer said okay but the date would not be close. He told her that Carter would retain full custody in the meantime but that if she wanted to visit with the children all she had to do was call his office and he would set something up with the agency. Our court date was set for July 2021. She never called our lawyer once to visit the children. It was still radio silence.

To ensure that we would be on time for court, we got a babysitter for the children and stayed in a hotel near the court house. We got up early and got dressed. Laura went with us to court for support. We stopped and got breakfast and then headed over to the lawyer's office. We had a short meeting with lawyer. He explained that we would still be asking the judge for full custody and supervised visitation. There would then be testimony from both sides. I had created an entire three inch binder that included all the paper work we had received from both courts and DHR, photos of the children in her care and in ours, it had journal entries from every day beginning in December 2019 when she began refusing visitation, and it had all the accomplishments of the children while they were in our care. The lawyer was very impressed. He asked me to bring it to the courthouse with us and off we went.

When we walked into the courtroom, there was only one other family in there. The judge came in. We rose and sat down as the judge took his position. The judge spoke to both lawyers in the room. The ex-wife had not arrived yet so the judge gave her some time to show up and turned to handle business the the other family's lawyer. After about fifteen minutes, the judge sent his secretary down to check and see if the ex-wife had called. She had not. She also had not called prior to court to alert anyone to her tardiness. I would be lying if I said this was not the first time she had been late. But usually she calls to notify someone. But not today. The judge gave her fifteen more minutes. He again sent his secretary down to check for messages. Still none. At that moment, he told our lawyer to draw up papers on what we were proposing and he would sign it. We walked out with full custody and no visitation unless Carter says so.

Chapter 3: And They Lived Happily Ever After, Mostly...

Ever since the children came to live with us, Carter and I have tried very hard to give them a normal life. We have assimilated them to a schedule, to school, and to age appropriate responsibility. We have fun family time and celebrate all the holidays. The ex-wife has now missed two Halloweens, Thanksgivings, Christmases, New Years, Valentine's Days, Easters, and Fourth of Julys. She has missed the first days of Pre-K, Kindergarten, and First Grade. She has missed graduations and school programs. She wasn't there for lost teeth, learning to ride a bike, or learning to skate. But most of all she hasn't bothered to pick up the phone for three birthdays. We have not heard a word from her for a year and four months.

After all she put her children through and allowed to happen to them, the ex-wife has written off her children just as quickly as she wrote off their father. I sit around sometimes and wonder to myself why. How could a woman just walk away from her children completely? How could she just sit back and allow what has happened to them? How could she continue her relationship with her boyfriend and regain custody of her other two children all while ignoring the other two? It boggles my mind.

Because of all they endured, they do not even all her "Mama" anymore. The call her Aunt "Insert First Name", my stepmother. Can you blame them? Occasionally they will slip and call me "Mommy". I don't make a big deal about it and allow them to call me whatever they like. The unspoken agreement is that we will love them through the pain of being abandoned. The ex-wife has made the choice to not mother her children and they will continue to grow and thrive despite that because I will gladly be their mother.

Thank you this has been my TED Talk.