Ending a Marriage

Right now I look around this house at a large painting left drying on the coffee table, a smaller hand-drawn coloring beside it. My 4 year old’s scribbles and paint strokes. She woke up this morning hoping to paint something. I found her hiding in her closet painting the trash she could find (a toilet paper roll, a ripped piece of cardboard, and some sort of plastic container from one of her previous art sets). As a firm believer in creative outlets, I grabbed a large piece of an old Amazon box and let her have at it. In the end she was covered in paint and there were even a few drops splashed across her clothes. I could walk through the kitchen right now and admire the drops of royal purple on the linoleum I forgot to wipe up afterward.

The windowsill to the backyard on my left is lined with crystals, pendulums, and 2 plants (Prim the Primrose and Danny the Pothos). Across from me, all of our jackets lined up neatly to one side, our shoes on the rack below. Mom’s, Dad’s, Daughter's. On the other side, an Orchid he bought me for Valentine's Day.

Our Christmas tree is still up in the corner to my right... Full of pictures of family, of us, of our daughter when she was younger…

We’ve barely been here and it’s already starting to feel like home. A home that I have to leave soon if this divorce continues. Every piece of this place feels like a reminder of why we are a family, when we never lived here as one traditionally. When I moved here, we were just weeks away from signing the divorce paperwork. I was visiting. Now I’m still here, and comfortable.

There are still signs of others, notes on the fridge of which days he will be at his girlfriend's house. Another woman's body wash and conditioner in the shower...

Everything feels right to be here, but is it what I want? I want my family. I want love. I want security and stability. I don’t want compromise anymore. I’m moving forward with or without him. It’s been so unsure lately as I know it’s coming closer and closer to when I will be leaving this place (if I am). My therapist says it seems I'm treating this divorce as imminent loss, and from the sound of it he may be right.

I’m focusing on school and bettering myself right now. One foot in front of the other, but I have no direction except “out of this place”. A necessity if I am to become my own individual. To truly become single and leave this relationship in my past. But if I continue forward while we’re still so unsure, how do I know I’m not quitting before he’s even thrown in the towel. I will fight for a home, family, security. For our daughter and her father to have a close relationship and strong bond. For us to not be the “left behind” family when he finds his next one… but not at the cost of myself.

In his room, he has his lab equipment, books, and notebooks set up. In my room (the living room) I have my desk stacked with my sketches and notes on psychology and the visual arts. We’re both becoming our own people, but can we do that together? Is there a chance for this broken thing to be put back together again? If it is possible, is it the best option for me? For him? For all of us?

Piecing this all together is like putting together a beautiful puzzle with jagged, glass edges. The artwork at the end might be worth it, but only if we manage to not bleed out first.