Dreamworld

I had never been anyplace like this one. As I walked along, I could see seating, but it looked fluid like water; in fact, the whole place seemed to look like water - the floor, the walls, the seating. The only thing missing was people even though I knew that I was walking with my recently deceased brother, Patrick. I could not see him though, but I knew he was walking right at my side. He came to get me to show me where he was as I had been inconsolable since he had died. We had his funeral this very afternoon, and I worried about him. I knew his life had never been a bed of roses, and our mother refused to acknowledge our past.

He led me through the room which was beautiful beyond words. I was breathless as I walked through the room as it was not only stunning to the eye, but felt incredibly warm and loving. As we walked, he told me without words that I could not go any farther and that he had to keep going. I stood there and kept walking around the room which turned and led me back out. I left my brother behind, but I felt at ease and much calmer than I had when I went to bed. I was sorry I had to leave that wonderful place whatever it was.

My brother had been found dead in his apartment. His poor body had finally had enough of the heavy drinking he'd started when he was in his teens. I always felt he hardly had a chance. Where he should have gotten love, he got very little or none most times. Where he should have gotten encouragement, he was berated or belittled since he was a child as far as I remember.

One particular event stood out in my memory. I can't remember how old he was, but we were in elementary school. He had won some art classes based on a drawing he had submitted. When he came home, you could see the excitement in his eyes on presenting his drawing to my mother. She looked angry, grabbed it and threw it in the garbage along with some harsh words. I saw how his eyes changed from excitement to fear in that one moment. I felt like crying right there. This was just a millisecond of his life at home. Not only did he suffer emotional and mental abuse, but physical as well. As a child we both often suffered the same, but he always got it a little harder or worse. I remember sometimes trying to comfort him, but as we were both children, we had little power.

His life after we had grown did show some promise as he had a job from a young age as a paperboy then off to working concession then finally to baking. He moved around to other cities then finally returned home. Even as an adult he wasn't treated in a caring manner most of the time, but often made to know he wasn't welcome.

When he died, I felt as though my insides were ripping open. I felt the pain he must have felt almost everyday of his life. I guess more to console myself, I asked my mother if she wanted to talk about anything from our childhood. She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about which enraged me. She had rather told other family members that he was always bad. I had arguments in those days leading up to the funeral and then decided to be silent for a day or two before because I felt awful as it were and didn't want to make it worse. I just needed quiet. On the day of his funeral, I felt horrible as I felt I was his only voice, and no one was listening to me, but rather wanted me to be quiet. No one wanted to hear me. So I went home unheard and worried about my brother. I knew he wasn't on this earth any longer, but I felt we never got to say goodbye or talk before his demise.

When I had this dream, I felt he was trying to let me know he was in a better place which made me feel better for him. I felt better he was away from this place that never treated him well. I believe that our loved ones both family and friends can visit us in the dreamworld, and they do. I've had a number of these visits over the years.

I had another dream about my brother approximately 6 months after his death. I was not exactly sure of what the reason for this dream visit meant. It is only what I thought, but it felt like there was more although I still to this day do not know what it is.

In this dream, I was in a cabin washing dishes. The sink had a window over it, so I could look out. When I looked out, I could see many first nations people both men and women standing over a mound. They were dressed in traditional dress. When I looked at them, they all started to point to my left side which was at a mountain. They also did not speak, but told me, "he is over there." I knew they meant my brother had gone over the mountain. In this dream I didn't feel his presence or see him, but felt that our ancestors came to tell me he had gone. He'd made his voyage. When I awoke I felt that he had moved on from this world, and I wouldn't see him again. I felt a bit of sadness but also happiness that he moved onto something better.