Different beginnings

It’s that time of the year again. You know, right? The time of the year where we consider exactly what we will do differently for the remainder of the year we are in. Yes, that time! New Years resolution time!

So what’s on your list? Exercise? Healthy eating? Becoming more social? Those are just some of the more common ones, but feel free to venture outside of the box.

Because in all honesty I never had a choice. My New Years resolution was predetermined and was not as common as they come. I believe it’s a part of life that is often forgotten when it comes to creating a better “Me”. It’s the part that focuses less on physical health and more on recovering my mental health.

My New Years resolution, my fresh start, started with my mother or more so the lack of my mother. Which is where my lack of control begins. My mother is no longer around, but not by choice!

It’s been a little over a year since she was taken from us, so unexpectedly. Without any warning. Without any time to say goodbye or prepare for the range of emotions that her lack of presence would encompass. She passed in her sleep and never woke again. Which began the chain of events that led to one of the most difficult times in my life thus far.

Now, it’s not that this wasn’t to be expected from me or my family... it was the time that followed that was less predictable due to the expectations my family and I had for ourselves. We had to realize that this process of acceptance and healing had not been mapped out for us. We were reluctant to acknowledge that the previous thought was okay. Also we didn’t realize how different this life changing event would be for each of us.

Over time I learned that these differences, these moments of inconceivable sadness, uncontrolled anger, and unpredictable timing of tears... was okay. And that thought, quite simply put is my fresh start. It is my journey to wellness. It is my New Years resolution.

I have committed myself to accepting that it is okay to cry. There are no rules that say I have to bottle this pain up and hide it all inside. It’s okay to have a moment that might last a bit longer. It’s okay to remember each moment I had with her despite the range of emotions that followed.

It was time to realize that the moments I shared with my mother will never cease to exist. It was time to realize that regardless to her no longer existing on earth, she will forever exist in my heart. It was time to allow myself to grieve and enable myself to move forward in a reality that now, is.

Therefore, my New Years resolution, my fresh start began with me agreeing to let go of my need for perfection and allowing myself to grieve in healthy ways.

So, this year, this new year I am committing myself to the betterment of my mental health. An aspect of wellness that at times can be forgotten. An aspect of health that is by far one of the most important to the whole person. It is the first step in every New Years resolution goal. Which is to enter a state of mind where you can evaluate your ability to complete certain tasks and then start to act on them.

It impacts one’s ability to commit to change, to love one’s self, and to accept the past in order to move forward.

Now as I start with my inner self to act on my outer self I begin to feel a sense of relief. Because it is time for me to let go, for a fresh start. So I will set aside time to manage and cope with my grief by talking to a therapist, checking in with family, and writing. I will also allow myself to grieve more openly when I have a moment or moments. Lastly, I will acknowledge that overtime things will get better!

So my New Years resolution, my fresh start begins with healing. So I can continue to be the girlfriend, mother, daughter, and sister my loved ones deserve for me to be.