Difference Between Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders in Relationships

There’s an interesting and often overlooked way to tell the difference between people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It all comes down to one key question: Are they hierarchal or egalitarian when it comes to relationships?

Through my experience working with clients especially those seeking romantic relationships I’ve noticed a clear pattern that helps distinguish the two. Let’s take a closer look.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

People with BPD often have an intense need to be in a relationship at all times.

A Constant Search for Love: They experience deep feelings of emptiness when they are alone. Without a relationship, painful emotions from the past tend to surface, making them feel desperate for connection and reassurance of their worth.

Lowered Standards: This desperation often leads them to overlook red flags and rush into relationships without much thought. They may ignore clear signs that their new partner is not a good fit or is unable to provide the stability they crave.

Many women with BPD, for example, might date men in difficult situations—such as those in jail—because they feel secure in knowing they won’t be left for someone else.

The Mother/Father Figure Dynamic:

Some men with BPD seek partners who play both a motherly and romantic role, providing them with a sense of home and stability.

Women with BPD often look for father figures, sometimes older men who take charge of their lives and treat them like they are still children in need of guidance.

Always in a Relationship: Those with BPD rarely leave a relationship unless they have someone new waiting. They struggle to be alone and often go from one partner to the next without taking time to heal.

Egalitarian Approach: When choosing partners, people with BPD focus on emotional connection rather than external factors. They are not overly concerned with status, money, or social standing. As long as they feel loved and cared for, they are satisfied—making their choices less practical and more emotionally driven.

A perfect example of this mindset is reflected in the lyrics of the song As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys:

“I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you’ve done, as long as you love me.”

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Unlike those with BPD, people with NPD take a very different approach to relationships. Their choices are based on social status and how their partner can elevate their own image.

Status Matters:

Women with NPD aim to “date up” and prefer partners they can admire or who bring a sense of prestige to their lives. One client once told me, “I’d rather stay single than be with someone I can’t look up to.”

Men with NPD often focus on physical appearance. For them, dating is about having a partner who turns heads and makes others envious. As one client put it, “I want someone on my arm that will make other men jealous like a model or a celebrity.”

Interchangeable Partners: Those with NPD often see people as replaceable. They follow a specific “type” and move on quickly when they feel bored or dissatisfied.

One male client admitted, “I know I’m shallow. When I get bored or upset, I move on. People are like disposable items to me.”

A Hierarchical Outlook: Unlike people with BPD, those with NPD are highly focused on their partner’s status and how it reflects on them. Their relationships are not about emotional connection but about climbing the social ladder.

The Key Takeaway

One of the simplest ways to tell the difference between BPD and NPD is by looking at how a person chooses their partners:

BPD: More egalitarian focused on emotional needs and connection.

NPD: More hierarchical focused on social status and personal gain.

Understanding these patterns can make it easier to recognize the core differences between these two personality disorders when it comes to relationships.