Define Normal

According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, it takes six to eight times to successfully leave an abusive relationship. Each attempt to leave has a 75% risk of getting killed in the process. Think of this the next time you hear someone say, “Why did they stay in such a toxic relationship?”.

There are ways to get protection from the state when attempting to leave an abusive relationship. One of the most common ways is filing for a PFA (Protection from Abuse Order). There is a process of getting the PFA, first is the Emergency PFA which is issued by the District Justice when courts are closed. Which expires by the end of the next business day of the courts (lasts 24 hours). The next step is a Temporary PFA which is issued by the Court of Common Pleas until a final hearing can be held (typically within 10 days). Lastly a final PFA is put into place as a result of both parties being heard by the judge. The judge reviews testimonies, witnesses and evidence and decides to grant PFA or not. The final PFA is valid for three years. The main flaw in this process is that at no point in the PFA process is either party mandated by courts to get a mental evaluation to analyze, find underlying issues and prevent further damage.

To elaborate on a case, I chose to discuss an incident in my hometown, suburbs of Pennsylvania. I will share Maureen Karr’s story. Mrs. Karr Resided in Allegheny county. She filed for a temporary PFA on December 15, 2014 against her husband (of fourteen years). She filed this after he “threatened to burn there house down” after she told her husband she wanted a divorce. The Post Gazett reported along with the threat, her husband, James Karr broke multiple objects in the house and slashed her car tires. The next day, James Karr disobeyed the PFA. According to police, James Karr forced himself back into the couple’s house, slammed his wife’s head against the wall which knocked her unconscious. Then continued to tie her wrists with floral wire, doused her with her favorite vanilla vodka and lit a match. Mareen Karr was declared dead from smoke inhalation and carbon monoxide poisoning. James was charged with criminal homicide and aggravated arson.

On a larger perspective, 72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murder suicides are female, according to https://ncadv.org/ (The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). The NCADV lays out some of the methods the abuser uses to make it confusing for the victim, so they hesitate before getting help and normalize the situation. They state “An abuser often denies the existence or minimizes the seriousness of the violence and its effect on the victim and other family members. The abuser consistently blames their violence on circumstances such as stress, their partner's behavior, a "bad day," on alcohol, drugs, or other factors”.

Some early warning signs of abuse identified by NCADV include “extreme jealousy, possessiveness, unpredictability, a bad temper, cruelty to animals, verbal abuse, extremely controlling behavior, antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships, sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods, blaming the victim for anything bad that happens, obstruction of the victim's ability to work or attend school, controls all the finances, control of what the victim wears and how they act and demeaning the victim either privately or publicly”.

There are many signs to domestic abuse, but it usually is not obvious to friends and family of the victim. This is so because often, an abuser may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence and is often seen as a "nice person" to others outside the relationship as research has shown. Therefore, it is important to be aware when and why a loved one is leaving a relationship. Know it’s not as easy as one may think mentally or physically. At the end of the day a PFA is just a legal piece of paper. Friends, family and shelters can offer much more support to keep the victim safe. Stop criticizing and downplaying the situation by saying, “Why did they stay?” after tragedy hits. Help be the reason the victim gets out safely and give them a fair chance to break the abuse and redefine their normal.