Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

If you were alive you would be able to read this letter.

Firstly, I want to apologize for not being the son you wanted me to be either in personality or physical appearance.

I'm also writing to you to forgive you for disinheriting me from your legacy and fortune and I understand that in technical legal terms I am no longer your son.

There are no hard feelings on my end and I hope that your soul is resting in a grand lounge surrounded by other ultra right wing conservative ladies just like you!

Lastly, I just want to tell you that I couldn’t attend your funeral as per your mother’s, a.k.a my former grandmother's, request. Now that we finally have no legal bonds, I am restoring my biological roots and reconnecting with my former aristocratic and financially broken relatives from the Czech Republic. I hope this will make you happy. I want to thank you for all the life lessons and experiences (including the harsh ones) that I learned when we lived together. Those experiences caused me so much pain that my brain started to “fragment” in order to process information and that's why I have a scattered mind. The British doctors call it Attention Deficit Disorder but now I am de-learning all my past patterns and after many attempts at ending my life I now want to make an attempt to begin again and learn about true love. But first I believe I need to become more lovable. That will be my first step.

Again, I thank you for all of those life lessons and truly send you much love wherever you are.

Gerhard

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A Response from Gerhard’s Mother

Dear Gerhard,

Very nice to hear from you after all of this time. I was just sitting here with my friend Dante having a glass of ice water. All is lovely where I am. I get to wear linen clothing all the time as the temperature is quite tropical and neutral colors help deflect the heat, of which we have a constant supply!

As far as my lady friends go, I now have new ones. They are similar to my old ones whom I really wish I could have kept in my life but I do understand that they are at a different "circle," whatever that means. I was told by Dante that I ended up in a better "circle" but I still don't know what that means. I feel very safe here as we have security in the form of a three headed dog. His name is Cerberus. He is wonderful, although best not to get too near him as he always threatens to throw us to a lower "circle," again, whatever that means.

I am truly delighted that my life lessons helped to mold and develop you. It sounds like I was the perfect mother and role model and I really simply adored you my little darling.

When you were younger I remember how your brothers and I would play hide and seek with you and then sometimes forget to find you. For days at a time. And that time I picked up the wrong child from school because I didn't recognize you (darling, it really was the clothing). It was such fun, really, all of it!

In any case, take care of yourself and remember all of the life lessons that your glorious mother taught you! And please do say hello to Grandmama. Tell her I have reserved a special place for her here when she is ready. And I will make sure she gets the big glass of ice water as she will need it.

Mother