Dear Mommy...

I've been trying to write this letter for 13 years now since I lost you. I know it's a bit childish, as a 29, almost 30-year old to still be calling you Mommy, but that's who you were to me then and it's who you'll always be [to me].

Mother's day is still difficult, but it's something I've come to accept and embrace. As I grow older, I realize that everything I do, everything I am, is because of you. While it feels like I didn’t get enough time with you, you blessed me with so much in my first 17 years of life.

You taught me that it's OK to feel my emotions, to cry, yet always emphasized the importance of not stressing over things I can't control. You taught me the value of hard work, to make use of my vivid imagination and be resourceful and creative. You taught me to stay active and strong, to never give up.

You taught me that even though life may get dark and heavy, we can still find love, laughter, and light. I carry this hope with me to this day; it's the only way I have managed to make it this far without you.

You always made me feel so seen. You believed in me, you trusted me, and you provided me with so much freedom before I could understand why. You recognized my beauty and brilliance before anyone else and were so open and transparent with me, even as a young child. In return, I couldn't help but be the same way with you; you were not just my mother, but my confidant as well. I remember texting you to vent from school and you would always answer right away and help get me through whatever I was going through. When I was forced to deal with bullying/cyberbullying early on in grade school, you held me and reminded me of my worth. You consistently went out of your way to make Jordan[my brother] and I feel loved and cared for. You tried your best to make it so we would never have to ride the bus to and from school or anywhere else. You made sure we felt privileged, in one way or another, regardless of our circumstances.

I remember the hilarious voicemails you would leave in your absence. You had a wonderful sense of humor and always knew how to make me laugh and cheer me up when I was moody or feeling miserable. I remember blasting music, dancing, and vibing out in the car to Biggy [Notorious B.I.G.] and Timbaland songs with you. I remember spending the whole day with you—going to the movies, running errands, etc. and never being bored. I remember looking at you with pure admiration and wanting to be just like you. I remember your compassion, your generosity, and the time you went out of your way to bring my friends and I Taco Bell when we were “stranded”. I remember you volunteering to coach my soccer team when no one else would step up and you ended up being so great at it, my friends and I started dreading practice because you made it so physically challenging (in a good way). You excelled at everything you embraced. I remember you making separate batches of brownies for me just because I was picky and didn't want to eat the ones with nuts like everyone else. I remember the time you met me at the mall randomly just to hug me (I had slept at a friend's house and been gone for a couple days) and get me to try these cookies you had baked using a new recipe. I remember you calling me internationally from all of your work trips, the ones I would beg you to take me on, to detail your experiences with me. I could always hear the sound of excitement and fulfillment in your voice and remember thinking, "I have the coolest mom. I wish I were there with her".

I remember it all, even moments I thought I had forgotten, because you were such an inspiration and meant that much to me. You were so well-rounded and had every aspect of life covered so gracefully, sometimes it felt—and still feels like—you were just too good to be true.

Everyone who had the pleasure of knowing you knew how special you were. After you passed, I couldn't go anywhere without having a mental breakdown because they would all ask about you. It was difficult for me to find the courage to tell them you were gone, so I broke down in tears at the bank, the grocery store, the orthodontist office, school—and in a couple of those cases, the staff members that remembered you cried with me. That's the kind of mark I want to leave on the world. I'm still struggling to understand how someone so amazing, that I needed so much, could be taken away, but I'm at least beginning to. This world never deserved you and I know you are in a better place. I think you always knew I would be alright without you, if not more than alright, because you left so calmly. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if you were still here—if I would be as strong, resilient, and independent as I am today had my life turned out any other way. I know that everything happens for a reason and while nothing will ever justify your passing, not having you to lean on has forced me to stand on my own and I'm proud. I think you would be proud of me too.

I listened to a Brené Brown podcast a few weeks back about burnout and completing the stress cycle and there was a particular quote by Dr. Emily Nagoski that stood out to me:

"Emotions are tunnels. You have to go all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end".

To that point, this letter is intended to serve as my tunnel. I realized that in a sense, I've been dodging the darkness all these years, so here I am. This is my first concrete attempt to release some of the grief and pain, but also to reflect on the joy I feel when I think of you, emotions I had previously failed to fully unravel and instead tried to erase using various vices. I know they will always be present, but now I can sit with them, let them flow, then let them go.

The very last thing I remember you saying to me while you laid in that hospital bed was, "everything will be fine". I hope you know I took those words to heart, just like everything else you told me—and you were right. Everything is fine, but only because you left your spirit behind and it now exists within mine. I'm not entirely where I want to be yet, but I have all the faith in the world that I will get there with you as my guardian angel. All I ask is that you continue guiding me to the light.

I love you and I would not be the badass woman I am today without you. Thank you—see you in my dreams.

<3 Jess