Dear Mommy

Dear Mommy,

Did you know I’ll never know what it feels like to have a mommy?

I know what it’s like to be a mommy …

It’s the only feeling in the world that makes me feel like I have reached the very top of the mountain after a long treacherous trail. It’s the only feeling in the world that could illuminate the chemical hole you burned in me before I even got to experience the world. Yet somehow, it’s the only feeling that could spring forth a flower from deserted land.

Because you left us your aunt had to raise us. Well… she didn’t have to. Simply chose to … and gladly accepted all the praise, and government assistance that came with taking in children, who aren’t yours. She tried to love us as best as she could … but her love was a direct reflection of the lack of love she’d grew accustomed to as a child. There were good moments with her, but plenty of reminders that I was not hers. Any moment of warmth shared between her and I, was brutally interrupted her fists and lies.

Did you know each one of your children you left behind suffer from some sort of mental disorder? Did you know that each one of your four children will be searching for the feeling of home and find nothing but anguish and embarrassment?! Because at some point, we realize…… how can we find what we are searching for, if we don’t even know what it looks like or feel like. Your oldest daughter and son have PTSD from their time on earth before your death. While your two youngest babies have PTSD from the time after your death.

I’ve been told by my sister that you loved us. She often says she knows that you would do anything for us. So please explain to me why my brothers and I were born with crack in our system…!? So, anything might not include staying sober long enough to give us a fighting chance in this world…. hmmm. okay got it. What about not staying in a relationship with my father…. Whom I’m told he beat you down until you became nothing. I mean by that time you did already have my sister. Wasn’t it your job to protect her from having to wonder if her mom was going to live or die?! Wasn’t it job to make sure she didn’t see that pattern and then eventually repeat it in her own life? But hey I get it …. even as the mother I am today, I make mistakes. Its just apart of life. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. But …. What is a mistake when you and my father went on a binge for days and left 3 kids home with nothing to eat? Leaving my oldest sister to ravage through the cabinets. Only to find the only dinner they’d be eating that night would be tums. Naaaaah… that sounds more like child endangerment.

The damage you were willing to cause. Is irreparable. I truly hope you know that. Not only did you decrease our odds for survival in this already frigid cold world. You’ve also decreased our odds at life, and love. Because I can not love another if I don’t know what that looks like. I can imitate what I’ve seen in movies and telenovelas, I grew up watching. But our partners will be confused when they attempt to kiss our invisible wounds, and we don’t respond as they expect. Our partners will be upset when are hard to reach, or easily detached. Because at that point we realize no one is truly here to stay. Or we cling on to them. Clean on to the good, because its one of the moments that feels vastly different and safe, compared to majority of the begging in of our life. When I became a mother and was pregnant for the first time. That was when I really realized. YOU DIDN’T LOVE US! Even at being pregnant, and with all the PTSD I had. I could not fathom getting so hooked on drugs, I leave my daughter on earth without my guidance. And nurture. The thought nauseated me. I couldn’t imagine being SOOO addicted that I would go to a place where I am may does not return from. My stomach turned thinking of what that would do to my daughter. The hole that would always be present in my daughter’s heart. Then who would be here to protect her from all the bad guys …. Because I agreed to do that for her when I agreed to have her. I’m told you never even got to hold me. That I was taken from you immediately at birth. I used to tell people I was unaffected by your death. Because in part, I wanted that to be true. It was not until I was an adult realizing that a wave of anger washing over me every October 25, Your birthday! I become envious and resentful of those who have their mom. Every Mother’s Day I become moody and resentful when I see people post up the lengthy paragraphs and the love their mother has for them and all the ways they’ve shown it. Not towards anyone, but God and …… you mommy.

At one point when things were chaotic, they felt wrong. Any decline I see in any relationship, beats into my head that I am unloved. It makes me want to run…. And I’m not talking about the cute run, like the girls do in horror films. The I want to get away but I’m not going to try so hard run. NOPE! I turn into a full-fledged track star! Man, FLO JO who?

Any decline I see in my life, and I start to instantly feel like walls are caving in on me. Even when I am safe happy and loved, I look for little reminders of such. Because …. Well to be honest I know that can change at any time. I know that I am better as a lone wolf than to be with someone. Because the damage they could cause to my glued together heart, was a risk …. I honestly could not risk it. After all, I do have children. Who need me to be always sharp and adaptable! It’s also because of them I started to heal. But because of me I continue to heal. Every time a take notice of a trigger I start to ask why? To trace that trigger back to its origin. Because after my kids deserve all of me, not a shadow of my potential. My kids deserve to live in a toxic free environment. My kids are awarded privileges, I was never awarded. Like the privileged of just being a child. They don’t go to school with fear and anxiety. They won’t be destroyed and devastated when people’s chapters in their stories run out. Because they won’t be looking for the love that I give them. They’ll get to see and experiences many levels of perceptions, because they won’t be bonded like I once was. See I love them this fiercely! The female species in human and animals, are far more deadly than males. Particularly when they are mama with her cubs. Such tenacity and such ferocity!

But where is your ferocity for us….

But…. The thing is… being a mother also inspires me to hold myself accountable. For my own healing, for all the small things in daily life, that eventually lead to bigger things. Most importantly for my children’s childhood and preserving it. Through this accountability, I learned……

Dear mommy, I used to hate you. And your lack love for us. But I realize it is because of YOU!!!! I love my kids the way I do. I consider them and their feelings the way I do. It’s because of you I leave little reminders that they are loved and safe. I know now It’s not that you didn’t love us. It’s that you didn’t love you…… so whatever love you had left to give us was very little and distorted. You were using drugs to escape your reality, because it was filled with childhood trauma, domestic violence, low self-worth. You couldn’t be fierce for us because you were broken. You were broken before you even got to reach puberty. You ran into the arms of a man to protect you from your own mother, only for that man to turn around and do the same exact to you. You did not have anyone on your side. Watching your back. Mom, you didn’t know this. But my father would eventually find his way into your best friend’s womb, not even a month after your death. Your abusive ex husband still disgraces your name, and your abusive mother still to this day acts like you were the problem. I’m sorry that life stomped on you, after everyone else did. I’m sorry you felt alone, unsafe, and unloved. I know its through your struggle that I was challenged with my very own struggle. But guess what mom…. through my struggle I learned to survive. I’m still working on the thrive part. But I know I’ll get there one day. I appreciate how patient you’ve been with me mom. That voice that always seems to give me the right advice in a split hairs time, I know is you! While Your trouble doesn’t excuse your actions and lack of. My children may have had a different mother had it not been for your trials and my tribulations. There is no me with out you. Your struggles created struggles for me. Hurdles I get the pride of saying I accomplished. See it’s because of those very same hurdles, that I am confident in my abilities. It because the lack of a presence of a real mother, I am passionate about my kids. Its because of my struggles, that I realize I should not hate you. I should have compassion for you.

Dear mommy, I’m sorry I spent the first half of my life despising you. I’m sorry that I did not realize I am extremely blessed. Because all though we both face trauma and abuse. I survived with my mental health intact, and yours was lost many moons before your first child was born. You were murdered recklessly over drugs and disposed of behind the nearest Mc Donalds dumpster. Yet, instead of your youngest wondering what you would have been like, she’s thinking the world is a better place without you in it! I’m sorry that I blamed the emptiness in my heart on your death, and not necessarily on the abuse I dealt with, with your aunt in my childhood. I’m sorry I whispered in my head how much you didn’t care for us. I know now that not to be true. You loved us enough to get clean each time we were taken. Honestly love, wasn’t enough to win the gritty battle of drugs and trauma. Instead of condemning you mom, I place you picture on my altar with fresh flowers and water.

Praying and hoping you hear me and feel my love.

Praying and hoping you hear my need for your guidance.

Praying and hoping that there is life afterlife.

Praying and hoping that even though you never knew true unconditional love in life, you can feel it in the afterlife. No matter how small, no matter how simple.

I love you mommy, without condition. You don’t need to be a perfect mom, or a great mom. You don’t even need to be a good mom. You don’t need to helpful … or even there. I love you because you are worthy of every bit of love. Regardless of who you were in life. Your worthiness does not depend on what you are able to provide. Your worthiness does not depend on your ability to nurture. I could tell you were never loved for simply existing. You do not be anything than what you were. Isn’t it ironic, how your death has taught me the most about unconditional love.

So, every October 25th Ill celebrate you,

Every Mother’s Day…. I’ll sit with you.

Every holiday I’ll remind you that your legacy lives on.

I’ll have coffee convos in the morning, waiting for a sign that your listening.

I'll create a life; I don't have to escape from... because you never got the chance too

I’ll whisper in the altar of how proud you should be for holding on as long you did.

I’ll explore all my potential, because you never got the opportunity to.

I’ll love my kids extra hard, because you don’t have the chance to.

I’ll love myself extra hard because you never got to

I’ll love YOU extra hard, because no one ever chose to.