Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I’ve always wanted to tell you how I truely felt as a kid. I’ve always felt alone, abandoned, and just left without a clear understanding. I know you were young. I know that in life we make choices we regret, but was I a regret? I may never know the true answers but I always wonder. As a kid, I use to lay in bed starring at the stars wishing you were next to me, holding me close, giving me warm, loving kisses. Sometimes I would dream how life would be with you. Have you dreamed about me? I seen girls my age with their mothers and always wondered how it feels. Being raised by some else was a blessing and a curse. I was blessed with someone strong willed, loving, caring, and over all outstanding. I was cursed of not knowing what life would be like with my real mother. Was it my fault?

As time went by, you had my siblings. Of course my brother and I were left out of your life. How does that truely make you feel? You never expressed it one bit. To us you made us feel like we meant nothing. Do we? What did we do? As we got older, we tried expressing these feelings to you and we were dismissed as if we weren’t your flesh and blood.

Years later, my little sister arrived. You kept her. What made her so different? You abandoned your oldest two and just left us with unanswered questions. Never once did we stop loving you. There was never a question of missed love from us. I can’t say the same for you. Even now as I’ve gotten older, I realized that you had problems you were facing as you were a child yourself. Was it really worth leaving us though?

Some questions may never be answered and now I’m ok with that. I was raised by the strongest woman that I know. She taught me the opposite of what you showed my brother and I. She showed me how to love, nurture, and care for others, even when they can’t love and care for others in the same way. My love for you never died, I love you unconditionally because you’re my mother. I was taught to love those that can’t properly love themselves.

Now that I have kids of my own, your grandchildren, I still can’t grasp the concept of how you just walked out on us but kept my youngest sister as if she was a golden child. As a mother, I would never leave my kids. I hold my kids closer to me every day and express the love I have for them in more than one way every day. I want my babies to know that they will forever be loved no matter what life through my way. I just wish you had did the same. We can’t go back into the past, but we can try to rebuild a better future. I would love for a fresh new start, are you? Or is pride too much to put to the side?

Almost 26 years later and I still love you unconditionally because that’s what I was taught to do. So if you ever get a chance to read this, as your daughter I want you to know that I am who I am because of the choices you made for me. And for that I thank you. I am a better mother, daughter, sister, and niece because of it. I appreciate the life I was given, just don’t appreciate being abandoned by you.

Love,

An Abanded Child