Dear Mom

Dear Mom, Family sucks!

As I sit here in a hoodie that's barely blocking the light emitting from my lamp, I wonder why we acquire the family that we have instead of the family that we want. I feel like a character in a novel written by someone who forgot to incorporate compassion, respect, and pure love.

I am trying to understand them but I feel like I'm forcing the connection. I feel like I'm trying to put two continents together with duck tape and glue. I'm drowning in my tears and choking from the smog. The outcast, the one that will never be accepted into their darkened fold, and nor do I want to be. My soul reacts like an allergic reaction to seafood; it needs an EpiPen filled with the essence of mother earth to restore its balance.

I do not hate them as they are who they are... but who they are is not for me. Will you be disappointed if I just leave our family behind and never look back?

Dear Mom, You could have braced me for impact!

Is there a part 2 to this novel this mystery writer has written?

The tears find their way down my cheeks like water bursting through a weakened wall. I could scream, but what good would it do besides leave me with a scratchy throat and increased blood pressure. Insert deep sigh from a broken heart.

You could have warned me before becoming sick, a quick text would have been fine. "Hey daughter sorry, but for the next week I will be fighting to stay alive. Love mom." At least I could have... yea who am I kidding, no one can ever prepare for the loss of their parent. Of course it doesn't mean I'm not angry. Sorry mom but this is fucked up, selfish me needed at least another 5 years or so. (sigh)

I miss you.

Dear Mom, Tears do not dry on their own?

Amy Winehouse said that "tears dry on their own", it's been like 3 days Ms. Winehouse and the chill of the air upon my wet cheeks is not fun!

I find myself more often than needed with blurry vision while reading or making a boring sandwich. I definitely have a leaky faucet emitting from my eyeballs. It doesn't seem like the pain of losing you is going to let up any time soon so I guess I should keep a sponge in my pocket instead of tissue. It only leaves white residue anyway and I prefer not to start a new makeup trend.

This is hard mom, and it's unreal and it sucks! Planning a funeral with family sucks! Knowing that you will not be seeing your grand daughter's graduation sucks! You not being here calling me every 5 minutes sucks! Boy did that bug the hell out of me, like seriously mom I love you, but you called a lot; inhale, exhale.

Dear Mom, I will be fine...Eventually

One day at a time, with wine, deep breaths, tears, and music.

Mom, you were a remarkable woman and a whole ass dragon! You taught me to be tough, witty, and to proceed through life with no filter. I loved your fiery personality, most days lol, and your sunshine spirit. Even until the very end you danced and made us smile. You knew the end was near and still, you remained calm and displayed a brave face; I admire that so much about you.

You were a gift giver and showed love in your own special way. You were trying and could ruffle a feather but I could never remain upset. You were a loner and did not care as you could fill a room with fun for one. You definitely had self love which is something I could learn from your text.

I am currently dealing with the pain of your absence, but I know I will be okay; I have to be because I know you are watching and I want to show you I can be a whole ass dragon too.

I miss you mommy and don't worry I got this just you wait!

With love, a broken heart, and a smile

Your Daughter

In Loving Memory of my mom Elnora