Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

You have always been the strong one, between us. Even in my womb, the idea of you gave me strength when, at twenty, I was unmarried, in the military, and halfway around the world from my family. I knew what people would think. What my family would think. What my friends would think.

Even then, things were uncertain between your father and I. I didn't know if what I felt was real or a fantasy. I didn't know anything about life, or what I wanted, but I knew I wanted you. I vowed to you that if it had to be just the two of us, we would be fine. It would be you and me, against the world.

That was twenty years ago and a lot has happened since then. You became a big sister, your father and I divorced, we moved halfway across the world. You have always faced what is in front of you with courage and conviction. I did not know what a force you would become.

The teachers who called you "bossy", I know that hurt you. Remember though, that if you had been a man, they would have called you a natural leader. Those girls that picked fights with you; they were jealous. I was always in awe of you, really. At your age, I was timid and desperate to fit in. You are bold and brave and stand on your own two feet, letting nothing stop you. You see obstacles as challenges, not road blocks. You see tomorrow as a chance to take another step toward your future.

I am sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you. At thirteen, you were the bigger person. You chose a different path, so that I could keep the one I walked, even when it was unsteady. Allowing you to live across the country with your grandmother tore me apart for a long time. I have beaten myself up for not having the courage to stand beside you in the face of opposition, but time has shown me that I had to learn to stand up for myself first. The only reassurance is seeing what a strong woman you have become in the face of all your trials. I am proud of you; following your dreams, not taking no for an answer, standing up for what you want. I am so proud to be your mother.

A lot of people used to ask if we were sisters. Many still comment that I don't look old enough to have a daughter your age. I have to laugh. In many ways, you see, we grew up together. Me, navigating motherhood in clumsy and mistake-ridden ways, even after my third child came into the world. You were always there to support me, when I should have been supporting you. I am grateful to God that my mistakes did not damage you irrevocably. I am grateful to God that you are responsible, driven and wise enough to create boundaries in your life. I hope my mistakes are guideposts for you.

When I see your adventurous spirit, your wander lust, your single-minded focus for success, I see a twenty-year old me and I worry that you might step off the path, like I did. Step into murky waters or mud.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

My mistake was not listening to my inner voice, so in all that you do I can only advise: when in doubt, check in with yourself. Find a quiet place and some moments of introspection.

Many times I despair at my past choices, but then I remember you and your brothers, who are following you. Darkness can not exist inside the light. You are my lighthouse.