Daughter, Please Forgive Me?

Every night I go to sleep and wonder if, upon awakening, my daughter will still be alive. You see, I made a big mistake as a mother. I let my insecurities and demons get the better of me, and I put a man before my daughter. I was too scared to stand on my own two feet because I felt so broken. I didn’t think I had the strength to help and protect my daughter. I was stupid, and I won’t make any excuses for my stupidity. I could say I let love blind me, but that would be a lie. It was simply fear of being on my own.

The choice I made will haunt me forever. The consequences have been twofold. Firstly, my decision to choose a man over my daughter has lead to her suffering so much more trauma, fear, and stress than she deserved. If I had chosen her instead, as a mother should have, she might not be as broken as she is now. Secondly, allowing this man to force me to choose between him and my daughter, has done irreparable damage to our relationship. Do I still love him? Maybe. Can I forgive him? I do not know. Can I forgive myself? Only time will tell.

My daughter was barely sixteen when he told me to make a choice between him and her. She was struggling with life, with being a teenager, with being sexually assaulted, with her own sexuality, with anxiety and depression, with my divorce from her father, with the death of her grandmother, great-grandfather, and uncle. She was broken and hurting, and this was reflected in the poor decisions she was making. And stupid me, I went and broke her further.

Teenagers make mistakes, it’s part of learning and growing. They do not have the life skills and experience that we have as adults. They need our unconditional love and support, not our judgement and condemnation because they made an error or fell off the path they were walking. They are not saints that do no wrong - they are still growing humans with feelings and needs. Tossing them out like trash is not the way to set an example on how to be strong and succeed.

Where did it all go wrong? I was struggling and overwhelmed with a teenager who clearly needed help for her mental health, but at that age, support was limited. No one had answers or solutions that worked. It was almost like “you are a teenager, you are not really struggling mentally, it’s all hormones and normal teenager angst, and we will not take you seriously until you are eighteen”. This current attitude from the mental health community towards struggling teenagers is abhorrent and demeaning. So much more work needs to be done to offer support and catch those falling through the cracks (and that's a whole other article that needs to be written).

When my daughter started to self-harm, he told me that she was attention-seeking. When my daughter claimed her anxiety and depression were making it too difficult to cope with school and life, he told me she was lying and manipulating me. The first time she attempted suicide he said she was not serious and to call her bluff. When my daughter turned to marijuana to try and keep her anxiety at bay, he called her a drug addict and refused to allow her to live under his roof. He kicked her out on the streets, with no support, no home, and no means of getting help for her emotional and mental trauma. And I let him. This is where I failed as a mother. No, I am not proud of it. But at least I can now admit it to myself and start repairing the damage that has been done. I hope.

It wasn’t until my daughter attempted suicide for the second time that they finally took her seriously, and began to offer support. By this time she was nearly nineteen. But for me, it meant constant fear every day of receiving THAT most feared of phone calls. Every time my mobile rang I froze in fear. Would it be a doctor telling me that they had been unable to save my daughter and she had succeeded in killing herself? Would I have to make plans to bury my daughter? And if I did, it would be my own fault. I have no one to blame but myself for being weak and making the wrong decision.

I love my daughter and cannot imagine the pain or hurt I have caused her. Maybe one day she will be able to forgive me, but I will not hold it against her or blame her if she cannot. What I did was unforgivable as a mother. The question is will I ever forgive myself? You see, I made a promise to myself when I first became a mother - that my children could stay with me, under my roof, as long as they needed me, or wanted to live at home. And I broke that promise. I failed as a parent.

I know parenting doesn't come with a handbook and we all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others. But isn't a mother's instinct to love and protect her child supposed to kick in? Where was that when my daughter needed it the most? What on earth was I thinking to choose a man over my own child, especially at a time in her life when she needed me the most! Why was I not strong enough to say "no, I choose my daughter," instead of being pressured to make a wrong choice?

Maybe one day I will be a grandmother and I hope I am never stupid enough to make another mistake like this one. For now, I dream of having a home where everyone is welcome under one roof, where I can be the mother that my daughter needs, and where I don’t miss her EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY because of one very bad decision. My heart is broken for what I have done. Hopefully, given enough time, I can repair the damage and hurt I have caused her. All I want for my daughter is the best future possible, even if she decides not to include me in that future.

In a perfect world, no one makes mistakes, but this is not a perfect world. The best I can do is learn and grow. I don't know if my daughter will ever read what I have written, but I do hope she knows that I own my mistake and it will never, ever happen again.

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