Daddy's Little Black Book

“It was a lovely service”, at least that’s what everybody said. My relationship with my father was what I would call “estranged to the 10th power.” He left my mother, brother & me when I was 5 years old. He resurfaced for a year when I was 13, then disappeared into the shadows again. He called me on my 21st birthday. The next time I talked to him I was in my late 20’s and married with a child of my own. I am not sharing this information with you to garner any sympathy. I am merely trying to give you context, so you can truly understand the “wow” factor of this story.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tanya Johnson I am the middle child of six siblings! Yes six! Did I mention that “papa was a rolling stone?” Anyway, the only good thing my father gave me was my siblings. He wasn’t around to raise any of us, but we all found each other and have built a bond unlike anything anyone has ever seen. Again, I am filling you in on the history. He had my two eldest sisters with his first love, then me and my brother when he married my mom, then years later our baby sister and brother with another beautiful lady. So in all there are six siblings and 3 bonus Mom’s…we all share a love and respect for each other that is unbreakable.

Our father passed away about a month ago. It’s crazy to me that even though I really did not have a relationship with him, the morning he crossed over I was asleep in bed and I felt a “pop” in my spirit, almost like a rubber band snapping. It woke me up from a solid sleep. I have been trying to figure out how that is possible? Within two minutes of waking up with that feeling, my sister Alice called me to tell me he was gone. Ever since that cold January morning, I can’t shake the feeling. How could I still have been so connected to a man I barely knew?

Two weeks ago I received a strange call from an attorney. “Hello” I said. “Mrs. Johnson?” He replied. “Yes, this is she.” I said. “Mrs. Johnson, my name is Ronald Morgan of Morgan and Phelps. I was hired by your father Alfred Brown, to carry out the wishes of his last will and testament,” He said. I was frozen in place. To my knowledge my father had no will, no estate and for the most part was practically homeless in the latter years of his life. He drank way too much and did not take care of himself at all. I was lost in these thoughts; when the voice on the phone brought me back “Mrs. Johnson? Are you still there?” “Oh, I’m sorry Mr.…did you say Morgan?” I asked. “Yes, ma’am.” He continued, I sent you a package overnight via extra-fast parcel. It should arrive today at 12 noon. You need to sign for it.” He said. “I don’t understand,” I replied. “Are you sure you have the correct Tanya Johnson? My father didn’t have any money or an estate as far as I know. You must have me mixed up with someone else.” I protested.

“Mrs. Johnson, trust me, I have been practicing probate law for over 40 years, and my staff is extremely thorough in making sure that when we reach out to a surviving member of a family we are correct. Besides, your father was an old friend. I know exactly who I am talking to. We usually handle these types of things in person, but with the pandemic that is not a viable option.” “You are the first of his children to receive a package, I am in the process of reaching out to the rest of your siblings, but your father left something extra for you. He asked me to make sure you received it. I will get a notification as soon as it arrives. Please take care of yourself Mrs. Johnson, I am sorry for your loss.” With that we said our goodbyes and I was left alone with my feelings. What on earth could he have sent me? What would he leave with an attorney? Do I have an inheritance? Was he actually the King of Zamunda? Am I an heiress to some small country in Africa? LOL!!! This is all way too much!!

“Sorry for your loss”. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase in the past month. Funny, no one ever said it to me at 5 years old, when I actually lost him. This feels like some sick joke. After all these years, is he now pranking me from the grave?

“Ding-Dong” The doorbell rings and I go to answer, it’s 12:10pm and I know that has to be this mystery package on the other side of the door. I am apprehensive, nervous, scared and intrigued all at the same time! I open the door; sign for the package and the driver asks “where do you want it?” I ask him to put it in my home office. It was a rather large box, I was thinking it would something small after I talked to the attorney but, this was a large, heavy box! I showed the driver to the door and began to make my way back to my office. I locked myself in. I didn’t want any interruptions. I am starting to feel emotional, but I have no idea why. I thought all my years in therapy handled all of this, but right now, it feels like a birthday or holiday that he missed when I was a little girl. I would have given anything for a box like this back then. Right now, in this moment I am 5 years old all over again. I sat there staring at the box for what seemed like an eternity. It has my name on it, my address. It’s clearly for me. This is too surreal. I can’t wrap my mind around it. Part of me thinks I should just ignore it, leave it on the curb for trash day. Let whatever this is just die with him. Another part of me feels like I deserve whatever this is.

Finally, after 20-30 minutes of contemplating the fate of this box…”screw it” I said out loud, I reach for the scissors, slice the tape, and open it. My mouth dropped to the floor! I rubbed my eyes twice, I can’t be seeing what I’m seeing, but there is was! A box full of money! Cash!! On top of the box was an envelope and a little black notebook! What the?!! I reach my trembling hand towards the envelope and open it…

“My Dearest Tanya, there is no way to make up for the time we lost. I know that my lack of presence left a void in your life. For that I am truly sorry. If you are reading this, then Ronald kept his word and I am dead. I felt like you and your siblings deserved to know the real reason I was absent in your lives. I hope you understand, it’s not an excuse. I neglected my duties as a father and that’s on me, but I thought I was doing the right thing. The truth is I was an undercover agent for the FBI. I had multiple covers and aliases and could not stay in any one place. My work down through the years took me into deep cover with some of the most notorious criminals in the world. Most importantly, the only way to keep you all safe was to not be around. I know that may not be enough, but it’s all I have to give. This box contains $20,000. It is the first. You and your siblings will each receive one every 6 months for the remainder of your lives. I didn’t do right by any of you in life, but I want to ease your pain in my death. Please know that you have always been in my heart, and I love you. My career choices and ambitions kept me from being the father I wanted to be, but know that I was never very far away. You were then and will forever be my baby girl. Hopefully, this money will help you make some of your dreams a reality.”

----Dad

I began to sob the most painful tears of my entire life. My tears made my eyes burn. FBI?!! What? How? I had so many questions now. I opened the little black notebook; there were photos of me as a little girl…my high school graduation…My wedding day. Was he really there? How did I not see him? This book was a detailed account of many milestones in my life, places he had to physically be, to know about. Every entry was hand written by him. In the back of the book he wrote a bucket list of places he wanted to visit with me. I’m not sure how to feel about all of this, or where it will lead me, but $20,000 will help me help all the people in my life. It will definitely feed some of the people at the shelter where I volunteer. I’m going to start a college fund for the kids, pay off a few bills…Maybe I will get to that bucket list after all…see the world through his eyes. I guess that’s why I felt that rubber band snap the morning he transitioned. It must have been his way of saying goodbye. For now I’m going to read his words and allow myself to forgive him, and see where love will lead me.