Dad's Little Black Book

9:30, still haven't heard anything; he knew that he was supposed to call or text no later than 9:30. He'd been doing so good but today was his first day at work after our holiday, I imagine he’s very busy getting signed in. He would call or he would text, I'd give him till 10:30. 9:45 the phone rang. “This is Sam how can I help you? Oh, hey Phillip what's up?” I asked. “It’s dad, he’s had a heart attack and he's in the hospital. We need to get there as soon as possible. They are putting him in ICU. Do you want us to pick you up?” he got all this in quickly. I replied “No I need to pick up your sister. She is going to want to go with me, so I'll go get her and meet you up there. Be safe, love you.“

Immediately my mind started racing. Gosh he just left yesterday but he left without even telling me goodbye he just got in the truck and drove off. He knows he is supposed to kiss me goodbye before he leaves but I guess after being home for three weeks he decided it was time to go. After I realized he had gone I did go ahead and call, gave him a little bit of nagging and a little bit of heat for not kissing me goodbye. I always make sure he does because if you kiss your spouse goodbye everyday it helps add another day onto their life, or so they say. That has been a standing joke with us for a long time.

So what happens next? We get in the car and we go. It's a three and a half hour drive so Allison and I hit the road expeditiously of course, driving too fast, expecting the worst, praying for the best. We had not heard from Joseph or from my Brother-in-Law Neil. Was that a good thing? Were they being cautious and not calling so as not to tell us anything before we got there?

He had been sick; we knew he was not doing well and of course as stubborn as he was he didn't always do what he was supposed to when the doctors gave him instructions. This time was no different, so he went back to work, knowing he only had three weeks and the contract was over. His dedication would not allow him to miss. Dedication to the company, but also to his brother who owned the company he contracted through. In addition, he was living in our RV and had not been there for three weeks. The weather was bad, so he did need to go and check out the situation to be sure everything was OK. There was never a time in our 35 years that he did not make sure everything was taken care of. Not just for me and our kids, not just for family, but for everybody he knew and many that he didn’t. You see he thought, I guess, that his mission on this earth was too be a hero. To take care of others and to do what many would not. So, when somebody's car broke down or somebody needed plumbing or electrical work or a ride to New Mexico or just about anything he was the one. Now do not get me wrong, he was not a perfect Angel. He had faults (many) just like everybody and sometimes he made me so crazy I wanted to just scream.

It was the most amazing thing when he would come home and say get out the map and pick a spot. Where do you want to go? It's time to get away. And he would whisk me off to some amazing corner of the United States that I had never been to before. Sometimes it would be just he and I, others one of the kids would go. Another time, he loaded up my sister, brother-in-law, nieces, myself and our kids we all flew to New Mexico for a music contest. Spent one night and we all flew back. All because my sister's family had never flown, and he didn't want them to be nervous or scared.

Back to reality. We were driving and praying and having no idea what to expect. “There it is. it's the hospital.” I just sighed pulling into the emergency room parking lot. “We will move the car later,” I said to my daughter. “OK mom, be strong, prepare yourself, we don't know what to expect.” She was trying to prepare herself as much as she was me. As I walked through the sliding glass doors of the huge hospital, there stood my son and my brother-in-law. I knew with no question, just certainty that he was gone. “He didn't make it. It was the widow maker they called it.” My son whispered, as he wrapped me securely in his oh so suddenly grown-up arms.

Fast forward three days, of course you've made arrangements. You've taken care of everything that you're supposed to take care of to prepare in order to say goodbye to your best friend, husband, lover, the father of your children the caretaker of your family and your extended families. Through all the pain and the heart ache there is this nagging fear looming through you. It surges and cuts, what am I going to do? How am I going to survive? I don't make the kind of money that he made, and he didn't believe in life insurance the crazy nut. “Your insurance is in the closet.” he would say. Sell the guns, sell vehicles, motorcycles and the RV. You'll be fine.” He always said he would die in an accident because he was on the road for so much, so he had huge accidental death policy but no term or whole life. As scared as I was and as frustrated in not knowing what my future was going to hold, I did know one thing. I was not alone. I had my faith, and I knew that regardless I would be taken care of. There was no doubt, just that nagging fear of how and what had to happen in order to secure my future.

Joseph brought the truck home any emptied it out of all his Dad’s possessions, put them in a box and set them in the closet. The funeral done; families return to normal activity but I'm trying to figure out what about today. “OK guys it looks like I need about $20,000 maybe $25,000 to take care of all the necessities and then I can sell my house and I'll be fine. I guess I am going to have to follow his lead so let's get busy and clean out the closet. “Mom there's $400 in a container in the drawer by your bedside he didn't want you to know where it was in case you got in a bind. That way there was an emergency stash. He always told me where it was.” Joseph said and my reply was “OK great that's a little start but not near what we're going to need.” Allison chimed in, “Mom, what about these bags in the closet? There are 7 and they're so heavy I can barely pick them up.” “Oh right“ I replied , “I forgot about those. That's the change that he's been saving for probably the last two or three years. You know he financed a lot of vacations with those money bags hidden in the closet.” How grand the memory was, so warming and comforting. “I’ll take it to the bank and add it to the account. I think there's about $200 in the account too.” Joseph said. “Great that works, now I guess I'm going to have to sell the guns, truck, avalanche, motorcycles and the motorhome. I don't need them anyway. Thank Goodness, he made me buy that car knowing that it would be something I could drive for the next 15 to 20 years. He knew well how to take care of me.” I was in tears again.

As time came closer, we gathered up all the bags and all the envelopes, everything that we could for Joseph to take it to the bank. “Oh wait,” Joseph said, “where is that box I brought in, the stuff out of his truck, you know we never knew how much money he would have in that truck.” Allison laughed and said, “Remember the time we were going to Denver and Dad left his wallet at that convenience store? He called back, and the lady said she would put it in the safe? We were far enough down the road it was too late to turn back.” “No worries,” he told us, “I’ve got my little black book.” and of course, he always did. Usually there was at least $3000. or $4000 cash stuck in the book. Immediately I went to the closet to grab the box and dug underneath all the items. In that box were bandanas, toboggans, cookies, and more cookies. But there in the bottom of the box just as we expected was the little black book. We knew there was never going to be what we needed but we sure were hoping there was. “Alright unzip it.” I told Allison. She looked in the front pockets, nothing, looked in the back pockets, nothing. “Mom I know there is always money in here.” “Flip through each page,” I said. There it was, $2000 in an envelope in the middle of the book. “OK guys, I guess that's it, that's usually what he had with him. That, with what we have here is not going to be near enough.” Joseph handed me the book. “Mom keep it in the desk, we never knew dad to be without this book so you need to hang on to it for awhile.” “OK,” I said. This was another let down, I really hoped that there would be enough to finish this off. He always managed to produce exactly what we needed and even though he wasn't the one there to do it, I just knew in my heart it would be taken care of. As I prepared to go to sleep I took the black book and laid it on top of my Bible. At next glance, I saw it. Right there in the top of the book on the inside where it was zipped up was a list. On the list, passwords, sign in codes for all of our bills. Everything that we needed. I had asked earlier for him to get that ready just in case something were to happen. “I'm gonna need to know and I don't know anything about our bills.” I pleaded with him. There on that piece of paper at the very top it said, I've paid for a year on a safety deposit box and never once did we use it but just before Christmas I put something in it. If you're reading this you'll need it.

We couldn't go to the bank tonight but first thing in the morning for sure. Allison and Joseph at my side, we walked straight to the safety deposit box. There in cold hard cash you guessed it, $20,000. All of the money that we had already was now a bonus. He knew what it would take to clear me of all debt and he knew that he was not well. Rather than put that cash in that little black book, he used the safety deposit box to secure my future when he couldn't be here to take care of me. Wow! I miss him every day and I tell the story over and over. What a miracle it was? He left that little black book with the note and the $20,000 that he knew I needed. You see, even in death he still taking care of me .