Dad Bonds

After returning from the park, where she had been playing with her granddaughter, Shelby innocently turned on her computer and opened her HeadLibra social media page, like she usually did. The first post she saw was by her Aunt Cacey “My brother died at breakfast today. I need a ticket to Montana.” Cacey only had one brother, Shelby’s step father, Charles. Shelby screamed at the words, and grabbed for her teddy bear. The old bear had lost an eye, but it was precious to Shelby. It was one of the first gifts Charles had given her. Shelby could not think of a worse way to find out about the death of a man who had loved her, and taught her to love.

When Shelby gained her composure, she researched the facts. Why hadn’t her mother called? Did her siblings know? Shelby mustered all the courage she had, and messaged her Aunt Cacey. Yes, Charles had died. Yes, his biological children knew, before her post. She had not thought to wait for the step children to be informed. Shelby held back her anger because she couldn't change the post. All she could do is make sure no one else had the misfortune of finding out the same way. Shelby called her brother and sister, also Charles’ step-children, and broke the news. It sounds cliché, but these were literally the hardest calls Shelby had ever had to make. She had been extremely close with Charles, since he joined the family when she was in 3rd grade. She was closer to him than his other step children were; really than any of his children.

Something her mother, Cara, would almost begrudgingly admit at the funeral, in a week’s time. Cara was the family gatekeeper of relationships and love. She did not seem to understand that love for one person does not decrease the amount of love available for the next. Additionally, she desperately wanted to forget she had the older children, from her first marriage to Donald. It had been such an unhappy marriage. Cara did not want to adopt children with Donald. He had wanted that. She wanted biological children, but could not have them with him. She went along with the plan, but actually adopting children made her feel like a failure as a woman. After the divorce, neither Cara, nor any of the children maintained a relationship with Donald. Once her adoptive children grew up, she had minimal contact with them. Well, except for Shelby. Shelby kept in touch. She called regularly, and visited. She maintained a relationship with both of her parents.

Growing up, Shelby and Charles had an extremely strong child-parent bond. Charles considered Shelby his daughter, and Shelby considered Charles her dad. They had been thick as thieves during Shelby’s younger, pre-teen, and even teenage years. They spent most weekends running errands, dancing to old records in the living room, go visiting his clients or his office and completing adventures together. Shelby loved the long walks, bike rides, and that one time when they played miniature golf. They would go out to eat while galivanting about the town. Shelby’s favorite was the pizza place, where she and her dad had a rivalry to see who could get the highest score on a video game. The year Cara was away, getting her Master's degree. The two had somehow grown even closer. Aftter Shelby moved away to college at the University of Montana Charles visited her, more often than Cara did. Even as an adult, Shelby was a “daddy’s girl”, and a few states between them could not change that.

The next hard phone call Shelby made was to her mother. Cara confirmed Charles’ death. Shelby's mother stated that she got wrapped up in all the calls, and meant to call Shelby sooner. Cara said she knew Shelby had driven 30 minutes away, and didn't want her to drive back after the news. Cara was worried about her daughter getting home safely. Shelby wanted to believe her mother hadn’t forgotten to tell her, but she could never quite bring herself to do so 100%

Shelby made the necessary arrangements with work and flew to the funeral. Shelby and her bear, Snow, stayed in a motel, as they usually did when she visited her home town. Charles and Cara's biological children, Charles “Chuck” Jr. and Ellen, stayed with their mother, in the home they had all grown up in. Shelby didn’t really mind, as this had been routine. Chuck and Ellen were born when Shelby was a teenager. Shelby wasn’t all that close with either of them. She would send presents and such. She wanted to be closer with them, but Cara always said that they were busy or sleeping when Shelby wanted to talk to them on the phone. Letters were far and few between, as none of them were all that good at snail mail. Actually Charles was the best at sending things parcel post. Shelby had kept every letter and present he had ever sent her.

Ellen and Chuck helped their mother prepare for the funeral and complete all the tasks, like looking for the will. Shelby offered to help, but Cara only wanted assistance from the younger children. Charles had an appointment, the next week, to sign his freshly updated will. Since he didn’t get the chance, it was not legal. The family scrambled to find the one written 20 years earlier, in the 90’s. They found a key to his safety deposit box. Charles had rented the largest size vault, from the local bank, since 1999. In it, Ellen and Cara found 3 silver dollars and a little black notebook. Knowing the will had been completed by a lawyer, and would be larger than the book, they did not check in it. Cara handed the notebook and coins to Ellen as they left the bank.

Cara was very stressed about not finding the will. Charles was a lawyer for nearly 50 years. He and his two sisters came from a family with generational money. All of his accounts were in his name alone. Even Cara would have no access to any of his money without a will. Additionally, he had accounts that Cara had no knowledge of. Only the will could disclose these accounts, and who should control them next.

Cara contacted the lawyer who wrote the will, and informed him that they still could not find the will. At which time, the lawyer stated he had just found it, locked in a filing cabinet, at his old office. Charles had insisted it be placed there. Ironically, Charles was afraid it would get lost, if placed anywhere else,

To no surprise of Shelby’s, Charles left everything to Cara, Ellen, and Chuck Neither Shelby, nor the other adoptive step children were even invited to the reading of the will. Shelby was not angry because she knew ahead of time. She had read Cara’s will when she was home from college, a few years after it was written. Cara had learned then, that her mother intended for everything to go to her biological children. Shelby figured it would be the same for Charles’ will. She figured that's how Cara wanted it, and Charles would go along with her wishes. Shelby knew her dad loved her, and neither money nor property could replace him or the memories anyway.

Shelby took comfort that she had seen her parents for a week, about 6 months prior to his death. It had been the best visit she had as an adult. It was the only time that she was the only child in town. She felt close to both of her parents that week. Her favorite days were when she and her father went to visit a ghost town. Charles had been so fond of those. The other was when they went, as a family, to a friend's house. It was the first time any of them had been to the friend's house. The entire week, Shelby felt like an honored guest and a spoiled child, all at the same time.

Charles' death took a toll on Shelby's relationship with Cara. Shelby no longer felt like a valued member of the family. Instead of calling every couple of weeks, Shelby barely called every couple of months. Shelby didn't know what to say. She once spent hours talking to her mom on the phone. Now it was hard to talk for 15 minutes. Shelby didn't want to leave Charles out of conversations, but she didn't want to cause her mom pain by bringing him up either. Neither could bring themselves discuss their grieving processes, as they were happening.

It was a year before anyone opened the little black Moleskine notebook. Ellen had packed it away in a suitcase. She was getting ready for a trip, when she stumbled accross it. Ellen read the stories and notes and viewed the pictures her father had left behind. Tucked away, near the back, Ellen found an envelope with Shelby’s name on it. Ellen did not have Shelby’s address, so she presented the envelope to their mother, who said she would mail it. However, Cara did not mail it She just never got around to it. She also did not tell Shelby about it.

A few months later, in March of 2016, Cara decided to move, because she no longer needed the large home she shared with Charles . Shelby made her first trip home since the funeral to help get the home ready to be sold. She found the envelope when going through some boxes. When Shelby asked about it, Cara relayed the story of how it was found in the old notebook. Shelby asked to read it. Ellen, really just wanted it for herself, reluctantly retrieved it from it's hiding spot and gave it to her sister.

Shelby went to her old bedroom and began reading the writings her father had left. Shelby smiled at the scribbled poem about Jeffery and his big lips, and a childlike drawing of the family dog. There were old grocery lists, and notes about Charles’ favorite recipes. There was a short story about a summer camp Charles had attended when he was young. Shelby savored every page. Slowly, through tears, she read a list near the back of the book; “Happy thoughts: Summer camp, Cara, Shelby, Chuck, Ellen, music, poetry, cooking,” Shelby burst with emotions. She had been her father's happy though, just as he is hers. Shelby let herself believe that this is where her letter had been tucked, all those years ago.

She reached for her envelope, and opened it. To her surprise, what she found was not a letter. Instead, she found Over $20,000 in stocks to Toys R Us and Series F Educational bonds for the University of Montana. There was a handwritten sticky note that said “Shelby, I bought these, because they made me think of you. I haven't told your mother. Love, Dad”