Cries

Listening to your cries was the hardest thing I knew, knowing I couldn't help you feel better..knowing I didn't understand what you were thinking. Often times I walked away when all you needed was comfort, and now I understand when it's too late because I'm dealing with it all now too. No one understands how I feel, what I am thinking and it's frustrating.

Half the time I didn't know if I should give you space, or now if you felt more alone. The day before you died, you came home crying profusely. Of course I walked away, not knowing what to do. You said you "felt like I was being buried alive" during the CT scan and the "doctors didn't care" and that broke my heart because I instantly thought about the month before where you stopped breathing and you banged on the walls for my help. I was selfish, and didn't know what the noise was so I ignored it not wanting to leave my bed. My dad walked in and you were blue bent over the stairs gate, barely breathing and for some reason you came back. I'll never forget the sounds of your tears that night, how you had PTSD after that event, how you didn't want to be alone again, and how every time you choked you started crying thinking about the incident and thinking about how you were going to die like that. I didn't even want to think about that moment, I didn't want to hear your cries... so I ran away again, and hid in my room.

The next few weeks were great, I was in pain but I took time off work. I took 2 weeks off and got to spend some quality time with you. We took the puppies to the park, I took you to doctors appointments, and took you to get an endoscopy and colonoscopy 3 days before you passed. It was the most fun we had in 3 years together when I was off from work. I'm so thankful for the 2 weeks I got to spend with you, having quality time before you passed away. It was a blessing in disguise.

The morning you passed away, man... I remember every detail. To the police scanner, to the life alert, to the EMT's downstairs while I was upstairs performing CPR. I remember every detail and in a way I wish I didn't. I saw you pass away 2 times, in front of my eyes. 1 time on the bed while I was performing CPR on April 5th , and the 2nd time when we took you off the ventilator on the 8th of April at 1:50am.

To hear your families cries, to hear your mother's cries, it's heart breaking. Rest in Peace Mommy! (April 8th 2019 1:50am)