Creativity and Cleverness…

People have always told me I was “clever”…

I hated it – and still do.

You are “so smart” the kids at school would say – and then the bullying would begin. I told them that I wasn’t clever at all, until I even believed that myself – and still do.

I worked so hard at school, and invested much of my spare time doing violin and piano practice. Because of my reputation the expectations of others were high, and I didn’t want to let them down. The bar was set high, and so was my work ethic. Even within my musical endeavours in orchestras and solo performances, nothing short of perfection was acceptable.

I went to university and “escaped” the high standards of the music industry, only to study a double-degree in electrical engineering and computing science. Hmmm… let’s just say the margin for error was even lower there!

Despite the scholarly focus, all through my childhood and early adult years was a yearning for creative expression. In art classes I created junk-art sculptures, German houses, a giant frying pan (complete with sausages, fried eggs and egg-flipper), and even a massive sports shoe! I loved the challenge of combining innovative ideas with intellectual solutions to express myself in unique and engaging ways.

As a young woman with an engineering degree, and a whole life ahead of her, I needed to focus on work so joined the Royal Australian Air Force as an engineering officer. Future jobs within Defence, software and electrical engineering, accounting and cyber security served to further emphasise the need for high standards and absolute perfection.

And hence the lifelong reinforcement of an “all-or-nothing thinking” process became a cognitive distortion leading to anxiety and depression. Everything was black or white, I would focus on my faults, and became too scared to try anything new in case I failed dismally. I relied solely on my “thinking brain” and shut out all fun, enjoyment and creative expression.

During this time I became a mum to two gorgeous boys, both of whom are now grown and successful young men. I also now have an amazing daughter-in-law!

Two years ago I completed my final work contract, and have not worked since. While this has obviously been very tough financially, it has also caused me to reassess who I am, and what I want out of life. Am I an out-of-work engineer, or a stay-at-home-mum whose kids have grown up and moved on? What do I want out of life - or is it even too late to be asking that question?!

I thought of many different jobs I could apply for, but convinced myself that I didn’t have enough skills or experience for any of them. I focussed on all the things that I might struggle with or fail at, and didn’t want to push my anxiety any further. There were things around the house that needed repairs couldn’t afford, but I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to do them either. So I stayed at home in "safety".

Then one day it hit me – the only thing that was holding me back was my fear of failure.

I had knowledge, skills, work ethic, creative intelligence, time, the ability to research, and YouTube. There was no reason why I couldn’t learn how to do new things, except for me deciding ahead of time that I wouldn’t succeed. I needed to “cut the crap” and realise that my potential was limited purely through my own confidence.

I recalled something I had read a year or so earlier: “Lower the bar and achieve instant success.” And so I did.

I read, and researched, and watched how-to videos. I asked questions of friends. But most importantly, I gave myself permission to fail. In fact – I purposefully attempted tasks that I knew would involve failure at some level, just to acclimatize myself to it.

It worked! I even surprised myself by achieving more and failing less than I expected to. (In some ways that was NOT a good thing as per my objective, but I put it down to me “failing in my own negative expectations”!)

So I picked up a drill for the first time ever, and made a musical instrument from scratch using blueprints (a “Hammered Dulcimer”).

I learnt how to crochet again and made gorgeous little “amigurumi”.

Out came the sewing machine again. I dusted it off and made toiletries cases, boxer shorts and Japanese-inspired bags.

I learnt how to mosaic, made candles and melts (dragging my husband in to help!), crafted my own soap, indulged in some cardmaking, and created decorated cakes.

Craft-show classes taught me how to make a natural-vine basket, and courses in leatherwork allowed me to create a pair of boots and a wallet.

I learnt how to make things from concrete, creating some pots, an urn-topper for my garden, and a pillar to rest it on (after learning what not-to-do…!)

Digging out the woodworking tools again, I made myself a workbench and another musical instrument for a friend’s wedding gift (a “Kantele”). Of course the wedding present required special wrapping too, as well as a handmade case complete with padding!

Old timber pallets provided a free source of timber for some timber planters and a beer caddy.

I renovated the ensuite, fixing a leaky downpipe, installed trellis wire for vines, and installed guttering on the shed.

Artificial turf made an attractive and practical improvement to the side of our house, which I installed mostly by myself.

I made gnomes, and learnt how to frame pictures, and dug out my jigsaw and paintbrushes. My son’s Byron elopement was celebrated by the creation of a unique beach-inspired frame.

My tool collection has grown enormously – in both the craft and hardware specialties! Even my husband is impressed with our range of battery-powered power tools! (Though perhaps not with the expense involved in getting to this point.)

The crazy thing is that there was probably only one tool that was needed across every single one of my creations – and that is the humble pair of scissors. Whether that was to cut out a hardware blueprint, instrument string-wire, wool for crochet, fabric or patterns, wicks, fondant, vines, leather, plastic or tape, wrapping paper and ribbon, templates, irrigation pipe, turf or felt… Sometimes it was for fine cutting, other times for quick hacking. I think I own more pair of scissors than anything else in my collection, all with their own unique purpose and specialty. It’s kinda crazy really that by cutting physical items, I was also gradually severing my attachment to unhealthy and destructive thought patterns…

Of course many of these endeavours were fraught with frustration, as well as my old friend “failure”. But I picked myself up and tried again, focussing on my achievements and successes, and understanding how to improve on my next attempt.

I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but I’m improving. Now when I see or think of something I would like to create, I don’t automatically presume I can’t do it. I presume that I CAN, and work out how to make that a reality.

I post my creations on Facebook, along with my “making of” photo-story. Recently I have tried to include my failures as well, in the hope of encouraging others. I have realised that many others feel the same way as me, and don’t even try new things because they presume that they won’t be able to do them. I am trying to challenge my friends and family to step out of their comfort zone and give things a go – and it is so rewarding to see that happening! My friends are now making their own melts (wickless-candles) after declaring that it would be way too hard to do it themselves. My daughter-in-law now has learnt how to sew and create mosaics. Another friend wants to make a musical instrument with me. A third friend has very similar thinking patterns to me and has been inspired by my acknowledgement of my struggle and my attempt to turn things around.

I want to make a difference – not only in my own life, but in the lives of others as well. I think we all do. But in order to do this, we need to “cut” our ties with our own inner destructive thought processes, and “create” new positive healthy patterns of thinking. It is only by severance with past behaviours that we can move forward in success and self-esteem…

… and that’s definitely a “clever” thing to do!