Creative Conspiracies

Time seems irrelevant. Daily I think of you and memories of standing over you in the hospital while you took your last breath seem like yesterday. 2022 is such a different world. I cannot fathom what you would have done or instructed me to do if- during your time, schools were being taken over by shooters with no motive other than to soothe their own delusional semblance of ways to combat their mental health challenges.

Mommy, when you were here an overabundance of violence in schools did not exist. At least not to this magnitude. When you were here parents were busy trying to catch their kids in miniscule acts when compared to today.

I sit here grinning, smiling, wondering if I actually got away with the things I THINK I got away with. You were a pretty smart mom! I can't help but wonder if you knew things but refrained from disclosing you knew because compared to other wild, disrespecting kids you picked and chose mountains from molehills.

Mom, I know I never told you this before but in case you didn't know I tried my first cigarette at 15. I'll never forget! You weren't home. Your mother, Nana, caught me and my older brother, your oldest child -smoking upstairs. Oh my goodness, she went nuts!! She (play play) kicked my brother out and made me go with him. Hours later we returned- humbled. She never told you. Neither did I. But that was the beginning of my tobacco addiction despite that prior to that I lectured her DAILY in disgust about her smoking cigarettes!

In case you didn't know Ma-- when you got into your 1st serious relationship after you and dad split I took FULL ADVANTAGE of my freedom. Prior to him you wanted to be up under me all the time. When you became serious with him you started having sunsets, dates and late nights with him because he only lived a mile away. I'll never forget the time ya'll insisted I do dinner with you. Man I was loving that meal and completely admired his cooking skills. Than the truth came out. The steak meal I had indulged in was deer. I was mortified, mad, disgusted. I don't remember how long I cried but I do know I never looked at him the same way. Writing this I find myself cracking up.

Anyway, I'm sorry mommy but at some point I made a copy of your car key. Every time you would go hang out with your new boo my friends and I went out joy riding 😊. No, I didn't have a license. But obviously I was a damn good driver because we never got stopped!!! I was a better driver back then than I am now mommy!!!!

You trusted me so much. And I swear for the most part I was your good girl. I mean I went to an occasional party where marijuana was present and i indulged 👀. I took part in mad dog drink parties 🤣. But for the most part-- I abided by your rules mommy. Really I did 🤥.

I hope that despite I'm older now and know better and know that as an angel you see EVERYTHING I DO- that your still proud of me and excuse my activities that you would object to! I don't do drugs, I stay honest and I'm raising your grands the best way I know how. But I know I still slip up 🤐 and pray you forgive me just like you did when I did things that I KNOW YOU KNOW I did when I was growing up.

Thank you for allowing me to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I DID learn from them. I STILL learn from them. And OF COURSE I KNOW your still influencing my decisions because I continue to "hear your voice".