Compromises must be avoided in family life！

Give a clear answer first. There is no difference between compromise and avoidance in family life.

By "no difference", I mean there is no difference in how they solve their family problems. Neither compromise nor avoidance can really help solve problems and strengthen understanding among family members.

To explain this in detail, look at how therapists deal with family and personal problems. In the field of psychotherapy, the field of family therapy and the field of individual counseling are two completely different fields, because they have very different goals and treatment philosophy.

Take a simple example: a cheating husband comes to the counseling room and asks for help. The therapist's fundamental focus is not to help the husband not cheat, but to help the husband put the infidelity behind him for a while. Make out his heart to the wife's feelings first, and to the feelings of the third party respectively after all is what, for example I love this person after all what. To find out what I'm looking for in these emotions and why I want this kind of love so badly. Try to find out if there's a better way to fulfill these psychological needs without hurting yourself or others. To put it simply, it is to understand the visitors' inner experience, to realize their psychological demands, and to explore a better mode of realizing their psychological demands.

And an unfaithful husband and wife come into marriage counseling together. The focus of the therapist is obviously different. The therapist's focus will be on how to allow the couple to truly see each other's views and experiences of marriage, to allow the couple as a whole to see their relationship pattern, to understand the influence of this pattern on the couple and the inner needs of the couple realized under this pattern. Let the couple see behind the affair, the real desire of the couple for each other, for example, the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife's indifference to his true inner fatigue, every time the emptiness after work can not be comforted by his wife. , try to the whole family to discuss about these wishes solution, such as later when we get on how to face her husband's inner fatigue, simply to his wife to comfort, is a huge burden for his wife, simply to her husband to face, her husband will soon be drained. To sum up, it could be summed up in one word: how to make families regain cohesion so that families as a whole could face problems and listen to the voice and needs of each member of the family. Do not let family members sacrifice, compromise in exchange for family peace, but really promote understanding and cooperation between family members.

In fact, the difference in treatment focus is also the difference between personal problems and family problems. Family problems should not be solved peacefully as the ultimate goal, but should be the main goal of understanding among family members and the cohesion of the family as a whole. Therefore, neither the compromise of "almost enough" nor the avoidance of "we can just move on" can really help the family solve the problem. Instead, the family problems will continue to accumulate, and finally become more intensified in the temporary coping strategies.

What really solves family problems is communication. It's not about two people sitting around and saying what to do about it. To be honest, this is very useful for companies, where efficiency is the solution. The family is not. The family is about understanding and cohesion, so what we need is sharing and communication based on understanding. To put it simply, we need to communicate at the following levels:

1. What happened: This is the first time to communicate what happened from different perspectives. There is only one side to any family problem, and it is only when all sides are put together that we really get the whole picture. We need to sit down patiently and say, one by one, from your point of view, what the problem was that you experienced and what happened. For example, what happens to the wife when she is at odds with her mother-in-law? What happened to the husband?

2. What are your feelings: This is the second thing we want to communicate, how are you feeling in this situation. Is this feeling happy? Is it sad? (Mostly) angry? Feelings are very important, and many times a couple will prefer to talk directly about problems rather than feelings. This undermines the feeling that is the basis of marriage. Of course, one of the things we need to be aware of when we talk about feelings is that feelings are just feelings, and we are sharing, not attacking each other. One thing that keeps us from talking about feelings is the phenomenon of "going from feeling to attacking". Attacking does not bring any good. Sharing brings understanding and change. In addition, the sharing of feelings is not a round, but interactive, responsive. Let's say your wife gets angry when she says she's ignored by her husband. Your husband needs to share your feelings about this, whether it's anger (I'm not!). Or guilt (I was really wrong!) This interactive, responsive sharing of emotions promotes greater understanding.

3. What is your wish: This is the third thing to share that you want the other person to do for you in this question. This desire is not just physical, but more psychological. For example, I not only hope that you can help me with the housework, but also hope that you can accompany me when I am tired, instead of focusing on your own feelings. A lot of times the biggest reason feelings turn into attacks is that we can't find the desire in them, which is very important.

4. What you can do for each other: This is the fourth and final thing to share, in this case, what you can do for each other. It's not just about asking, it's more about asking what I can do, what I can contribute. In this way, the family will not become two or even several camps hostile to each other, but become a whole of mutual consideration and understanding.

In general, a family is a house that needs many supports. Compromise, sacrifice and avoidance are all shoddy projects that cannot stand the test. Only the pillars built through real communication can really be solid and strong, and can hold up a warm home.