Competitive Parenting

Let's make it and olympic sport!

Parenting is never easy, even on your best day as a mom; parenting will be the toughest job you will ever have. Well, at least that is the way I feel about it. I have, however, discovered since my children have gone to school, that parenting is not only hard it is also apparently a competitive sport!

In my oldest son's class there are many first or/and only children, which seems to be where the real competition starts. We all want the best for our children it is natural. I can’t fathom a world where a mother looks down at a sleeping child in her arms, and says “Well you suck - I wish you nothing but grief and strife” Okay I guess technically it is possible, but in my world this is the exception and not the rule.

If you wander the halls of any public school, or any venue in which caregivers gather you will hear tales of parenting that will chill you to the bone, and make you think that anyone who is a parent should be locked up, with the exception of the two people talking of course. I am working on a hierarchy to classify parents -

Hierarchy of competitive parenting – 2009

1. 0. Child has behavioral issues – Clearly you are a crappy parent, and everyone will speculate with little or no information on what your problem is.
2. 0.25 Child is behaved. However, not wearing the current fashion, rides the bus to school or walks. The child frequently spells of some variety of urine or/ and b.0. has no or inappropriate lunch
3. 0.50 Child is quiet and a loner, clothes are thrifted, and tattered. Parents drop off child in a vehicle more that 15 years old and playing loud music
4. 0.75 Your child wanders off during field trips, the parents work in a service field, are divorce or ve4ry young.
5. 1. Your child has a learning disability – Sucks to be you guess you swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.
6. 2. Your child brings home D’s – your child is probably learning disabled but as a parent you are indifferent and could not be bothered to have your child tested.
7. 3. Your child brings home C’s – What kid of parent are you? Don’t you work with your child! You should be doing his/her homework. Your a monser.
8. 4. Your child brings home C’s but is involved in organized sports – you are looking to exploit your child and develop him/her as a professional athlete (actor etc)
9. 5. Your child brings home C’s except in Art, Health, Music and Gym. – They are not real subjects so pick any one of the two categories above.
10. 6. Your child brings home B’s – If you made the child do a little extra school work you might be a good parent, but your just a little too self absorbed.
11. 7. Your child brings home B’s and is involved in sports - Refer to parenting style 4
12. 8. Your child brings home A’s in core subjects – You are a wannabe super mom and if you did not stuff you pockets with candies your child might be able to make a half lap around the gym without barfing up a lung.
13. 9. Your child brings home straight A’s but is socially awkward – Wannabe mom is your best friend, because straight A’s are contagious, and it makes wannabe’s child look good hanging with the class social out cast
14. 10. THE HOLY GRAIL OF CHILDREN – Straight A, athletic, polite, and well adjusted. – I have heard rumours of these children, and thought I had actually found one existing in the wild, but then they turned 11 and realized he was a tween. Sigh.

It seems as though as mothers we need to put down other parents or their prodigy in order to make ourselves seem better. The most dangerous of the categories of mothers would be mom number 8. In my experience she is the mom who pushes too hard, and in my very personal experience she is the mom, who does have her pockets stuffed with candy, easier to feed them than discipline them. She demands that her children be given extra credit work, and then she takes all their homework home and does it herself.

Personally I am the mom of child 11 and child 5. Child 11 is obsessed with Hockey. I personally loathe the sport and have actively discouraged participation in it. I lost….. My caveat was he could only play if he maintained a B average. So my “9/10” child smiled and said “Okay mom it’s a deal” and has never brought home and A since. Yep I walked into that one.

Child “5” is in; social situations the most charming and witty young man you would ever want to meet. He will shake your hand tell you he is pleased to meet you. He will bring you; out of the blue a flower, glass of water, or just stop and rub your shoulders. He is however utterly disinterested in learning.

I convinced him to learn to add and subtract by putting dollar signs in front of numbers and convincing him that this is how he will keep track of his money. I have a few years to figure out how I am going to relate square roots and geometry to money.

Poor child 5 has been tested, poke, prodded, scanned and analyzed to death. The results are … he is completely normal. Well I should qualify that statement. His test results put him just into the normal range. This concerned me for a long time, and I worked and fought and struggled with him to try and get him to improve his school work. We would spend nearly every minute from after school until bath time fighting, crying and both of us feeling bad about who we were.

Just before grade three, I personally paid to have him tested by an Educational Psychologist – What I discovered (since I was paying I got to see the tests not just have the results interpreted for me.) My son does really well in the first half of the test. Half way through when he feels he is answering the same question for the 3rd or 4th time he quits. Not just fake answers, not half reading the question, he literally quits. In all of his testing all of the time he only ever does ½ the test. Which always nets him a 50% result.

So really he is not a little slow, really he is a lot lazy. Am I a bad parent for not sitting over him and demanding that he finish homework, or do it for him? Maybe, but since I have stopped banging my head and his head against that wall our relationship has improved, and he actually likes going to school.

It is entirely possible that I will live to regret my choices. I like to believe that child 5 will be the young man who looks after me in my dotage and does it with a smile. My B boy will be too busy keeping up with the Jones to have too much time for his mom, but 50% boy …. I am confident he will find time for me if only to punish me for all the tears we shed together from kindergarten until grade 3.

2025 -

Now are children are grown - most have graduated from University, College or somewhere else Ironically the lower you were on the scale the more likely your child was to go on to higher education. Some went to collage, or a trade school. Some are still finding themselves. No one made it to the big show. My B boy had a shot but he is uncoachable. One high school classmate was a silver medalist at the winter olympics in China. 2 or 3 made the big show.

My sons continue to argue and not be super close. At least every six months I get message or call saying " X is a self absorbed fascist" or "Y is an unrealistic judgmental socialist". I listen laugh and am insanely proud that they can accurately place their sibling in the correct spot on the political spectrum. And they vote.

My eldest went into carpentry first as a finish carpenter, but his boss was well let's leave it at a little extra, month after month his pay cheque was ravaged by having to pay for accidents or the poor instruction which led to him making errors. So he moved into framing, originally loved it and a month in moved from proby to 2 IC; industrial accidents. After year 3 the rafter man fell 3 stories into the basement of a new build shattering his shoulder. While his boss hid behind the house vomiting and putting his head between his knees; my son called 911, rappeled into the basement and helped make his coworker as comfortable as possible.

Warning This is my self indulgent section and is not germain to the point - For that kindness his boss addressed his paycheques to dumbass and he spent the next 8 months walking the frame and putting up rafters, being harassed and having "stuff" thrown at him from the ground by his boss. He quit after the "boss" took them out for drinks, my son had 1 and left, being called a sissy and a lightweight. Having to drive 45 minutes home knowing there was probably going to be a check stop - he decided it was best. 2 hours later the new probbie, who also engaged in the name calling totalled his vehicle and broke both wrists in an alcohol related accident.

He wrote his letter of resignation that night and gave it to his boss at the end of the next day. His boss invited him not to work out his notice period one again calling him a colourful assortment of names. 3 days later his last crew member fell 3.5 stories from the roof breaking his pelvis in 2 places. 5 days later my son received a text from this employer asking what it would cost to have him come back. He did not respond.

I was forbidden from seeking out the jackass and publicly humiliating him so although this has nothing to do with competitive parenting (well it is loosely associated) it is the only vengeance I am allowed.)

He has taken a drastic pay cut but is happily working in a fitness facility, and working towards becoming a personal trainer. I wish he would go to school, but between the competitive parents, and his friends telling him he was the stupid one - He graduated with 145 credits, a 90 average with all senior level courses. He is not ready and really happy is all I really want for my kids.

Child 2 - I hate school and refuse to retain information that is not germain to dollars and cents. Graduated, attended 1 .5 years of university in open studies and has decided to go an upgrade his high school.

Literally right after graduation he endured 2 years of hell. I am happy he is still alive. It was touch and go for the first year. Everytime I went to sleep, or he went out I was terrified I would never see him again.

He remains pretty angry at the world, his father, his brother and probably me. He is engaged, and I hope and pray that she will help him lift that chip off his shoulder.

As for the "smart" kids - One of the boys who's parents did his homework for him did fulfill his parents wishes and graduated from engineering. The other dropped out of engineering completed a B.Fa works in media and is now she (She is much kinder than he ever was) and works for me. Wunderkin the 10 child was thrown out of 5 institutions of higher learning and is married, joined the far religious right and is selling cars. He invited not a single friend to his wedding.

I tapped out of the competition about the time my oldest hit grade 7. It just wasn't worth it to me. I liked my children and wanted to be their parent and confidant. I didn't need them to validate my existence or be trophies on my shelf.

I have been angry at them, nearly killed them a few times, travelled with them, we have made memories good and bad. I have cried with them and told them I would sit through the storm and love them for their whole lives. When the competition is laid at my door and I am told how exhaulted these "other" young people are, then asked how my boys are... my response is simply they are happy and I am proud of them. I will never make the olympic parenting team I accept that, and am actually grateful for it.