Christmas Heartbreak and Hope

Christmas is a time of joy and giving, a time for happiness and miracles to happen. This Christmas Eve, however, my whole world came crashing down when I found out I have a small lump in my breast and after the New Year will be going in to be screened for Inflammation Breast Cancer. When I got the news, I stood staring at my phone, numb in shock and wanting to cry. I felt an overwhelming fear fill every part of my being. I stared at my children's presents through tears, knowing they needed to be wrapped, but feeling too numb and scared to do so. I knew I had to get through the night and make sure that their Christmas was not affected by this news. It took me nearly 6.5 hours to find the strength to move and wrap their presents from Santa. I have 5 children, ranging from 13 down to a 2 year old. My whole life I have always joked with my friends and family that I would die young. My whole life it has been my biggest fear. As the news hit me last night, all the possibilities- good and bad- came flooding in; i realized I was not afraid of the cancer itself or going through it. I survived being held hostage as someones wife, badly abused, beaten and raped for 5 years. I got this! But the reality that I may not live to see all my children grow up- that fear is one I cannot seem to squash. It is one that haunts me every time I look at them now. All I see is the possibility that in the future I may not be here with them. My heart breaks for them and I have spent all morning crying. I am constantly nauseated and my breast hurts. More than that, I want all of them to have a wonderful, bright future- a future I have always wanted to be a part of and see. I want to be a grandmother, and watch how their lives unfold and what careers they choose- to see if they pick what they tell me from the time they can talk or if they choose something else. I am a single mom, and my relationship with my siblings is strained at best. A few months ago, my doctor was concerned about the pain in my breast and I was supposed to get a mammogram. The fear of what they might find won out and I chickened out. I refused to go to the appointment, brushing it off as something that was not a reality. My siblings were less than comforting and helpful, stating I was being a drama queen- which is why now, 3 months later, with the reality being much stronger, I have decided to keep this from certain people in my life. I am writing to anyone out there today who has experienced something similar, or who has gone through this themselves- to get my voice heard, and maybe receive support and understanding. The darkness that now looms in my life, threatens every moment. I do not want my children experiencing this and I want to keep it from them as long as I can. I am struggling today to be filled with joy and hope for the new year with them. I feel the need to draw them close and never let them out of my sight- fearing I may not have that opportunity later. I know I need to move past it for them and make the most of my time with them- to let them know how much they are loved. But even knowing that this is what I must do, I cannot find a way past my fear and anxiety, the overwhelming numbness that now fills me with every moment. I watch my children playing, using their imagination and I am filled with pride and love for them. I am praying for a miraculous outcome-that they caught it in time, that I will survive it- so I am asking any and all readers to also pray with me.