Cancer Sucks

The Day we lost our dad was the worst day of our lives. Stage 4 liver cancer and any other cancer for that matter can SUCK it! Mind you, the hospital he went to, told him, the cancer was a HERNIA!!

I know the dead can’t come back but if they could I’d be the happiest person on Earth!

My dad was my rock, my protector, my number 1 man. No doubt about it!

March 27, 2018…. We had to call 911.. Our dad’s stomach was filling with Ammonia (Toxic Fluids) in which was slowly drowning him since it was filling his lungs. They had to put a port in his stomach to drain it.

March 28, 2018…. Our dad wasn’t supposed to make it through the day. Miracle did happen! He lived through the day and was doing A LOT better!

Week goes by….

April 2, 2018… Dad came home from the hospital and put on homecare Hospice.. His first day on hospice was amazing! I’ll never be able to forget about it! We hung out with our dad, talked to him like he wasn’t sickly. Dad asked me to lay with him in bed. He hasn’t done that since I hit puberty. I climbed into bed with him, and laid on his chest bawling my eyes out. I knew that, that was going to be the last time that ever happened, and I was right. I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad told me to “Binkybean, you stop crying, your mom and I didn’t raise a bitch.” My response to that was “But, you and mom also told me to let my emotions out and not be ashamed of them, and besides you’re my dad, I’m not ready to lose you.”

Everyday after that was a downhill spiral….

Our dad asked us to strangle him with his oxygen cord. Called us our childhood nicknames and was very confused and disoriented. Those days were the worst days of my life. I wish I could bring my dad back, every single day since he died.

April 8, 2018…. Our daddy wasn’t doing very good this day at all.. It was the day he took his last breath.

My dad was so weak, so fragile. He couldn’t even talk by this time and could only mumble. When the hospice nurse said he had about 6 hours left I dropped instantly to my knees crying my eyes out. NOONE is ever ready to lose their parents. Hell, I never thought I’d lost my dad at 25. I always thought I’d be 50 and he’d be old an grey. But, God had a different plan.

April 8th, the worst day of my life.

When my daddy took his last breath that awful, painful night Owen, my brother and myself were sitting by his side. I was laying on his chest and holding his hand. I knew as soon as his heartbeat got slower the time was about to come, and I sure as hell wasn’t ready for it at all. His heart stopped and I cried more then I ever have in my entire life. Even when I lost my angel babies.

What kills me most everyday since he died is, I avoided him. I was so damn afraid to see him so weak I kept my distance. Who does that? I guess, I do. I hated seeing my dad so weak, and powerless. I just couldn’t bring myself to visit him like I used to. I’ll forever regret that for the rest of my life.

If I could say one thing to him right now it be: I’m sorry I was a rotten kid. I’m sorry I wasn’t always the best daughter. But I always tried so hard to make you proud of me. I am sorry I turned to drugs even though on your death bed I made a promise not to go back to them and did.

Life without my dad hasn’t been easy. It’s been a tough, long road. I still think its just a nightmare I’m going to wake up from and here my dad will be walking through the door, but that’s not going to happen no matter how bad we want it to.

I’m a daddy’s girl, always was, always will be, nothing will ever change that! He taught me to be tough, strong, to be myself and not care what anyone thinks, ever. He raised me to be the badass I am today. I wont be changing anytime soon, for anyone!

I love you with all my heart daddy! I miss you more then words can express. I can’t even describe in words how much it hurts.

I still cry. I still wonder. I wonder, because I wonder how much different life would be if he wouldn’t have died.

You’re pain-free now daddy and I’m glad for that!