Can you be different then your 'toxic' alcoholic and gambling family?

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Elizabeth's Story:

Some of my first memories of growing up is waking up in South Florida condo to people talking loud and frantic. What was going on I thought, being only 4 years old I had no idea. Later I find out my father passed away the night before in a car accident. I had an older sister and my mom was in her early twenties. At some point, she shipped us off to live out of the country with my godparents for a while so she could 'collect' herself I assume? This is where the constant unstable life began for me and my sister.

When we returned to South Florida, I just remember living in various places, never staying in one place too long. We lived with my grandmother for a period of time where apparently she was also an alcoholic. One of those alcoholics that had long or short 'episodes' or 'stints' not sure how to describe it. She would be fine most of the time but then she went into her room and binge drank wreaking havoc to the household. My mother is probably what you call a 'functioning alcoholic' she works, walks and carries on daily but out of nowhere sporadically you can tell she'd been drinking. She'd start fights, be aggressive in nature and her eyes would get weird. This happened often and you never knew when. I remember stories my sister would tell of times my grandmother would pick her up from school and having crapped herself in the driver's seat. My sister suffered more then I did during those years and the years to come because she was older and knew what was happening more than I did also because she was much more sensitive than I was.

After living with my grandmother on my mother's side, we eventually settled into a one bedroom apartment where my mother had no car and would walk everywhere. I remember going to dinner or anywhere we needed to go by foot. I guess walking since I was a little girl was the silver lining as it's a great habit for health and beauty routine. I walked to my elementary school alone which must've been at least two miles away. I also walked to my middle school and practically lived in the library which was right next to where I lived. That was my safe haven. At this point during my elementary and middle school years, my mother's violence and fighting increased. She married my stepfather and the fighting was pretty intense. I don't blame him entirely. My mother was always the instigator and she is someone that gets in your face and instigates physical abuse. Should he have left, yes. Did he do all he could to provide and she literally took his money and mismanaged it, also yes. I would say we lived in that same complex probably the longest out of all the places we lived but after that it was a literal move every two to three years because my mother always defaulted on the rent and never had money and always had an elaborate joke of a story she swore people were dumb enough to believe.

We moved out of that area and into one of many other places on the other side of town and that's when I started to realize, if I wanted something I had to find a way to buy it myself. My mother never gave me a dime, knew what grade I was in and wasn't your typical 'mother'. I became so independent, into my studies and my friends and wanting to do all I could to get out of there and live life differently. When I reached high school, I wanted to have nicer jeans and clothes so I found myself a job even though I wasn't at the legal working age. I'm in high school with no car and no way to get to work which wasn't close by so I would ask all my older friends, mostly male, or I would hitch rides or take the bus half way and figure it out. I honestly think back to that time and I can't believe I held onto a job doing that for as long as I did.

During my middle school and high school years, the violence in my home was standard way of living. I would be on the phone with a boy or a friends and they could hear the violence behind me. One day a boy I was talking to heard it and called the cops on my behalf. The police showed up and my mother was furious with me when I wasn't even the one that called and was shocked myself when they showed up at my door. I started to sneak out at night and stay out of the house as long as I could to avoid being around them. By the time I was in high school, my sister had left to live with friends and shuffle herself around because she wanted out.

During all these years, bills were shuffled like playing cards, payday loans filled the gaps between groceries, and financial emergencies were routine. My mother even got arrested once for depositing a check into her own account from an account that had no money in it but used the money before the bank bounced the deposit. For a lot of my birthdays growing up, I would receive gifts from my mother like a tv or a piece of jewelry just to have her come into my room when I was gone and take it back to pond it. She would never tell me what happened but I found out eventually. These incidences for me I just kept going. That's what you do as a child you don't stop and dissect the mental abuse you're taking on. The abuse turned physical towards me in high school. When my mother drank and she still gets this way, she instigates until it gets physical. The fingers in your face, the threats and name calling. I have to remind myself of these things now to know not to let her back into my space until she gets professional help which she doesn't think she needs. She's been given cars that she ponds off and lies about, she's been offered so much assistance over the years and refuses to change the way she operates and lives. Her addictions and dysfunctional way of being are more important than her relationships.

So when I started working, the money grab attention reared its head towards me. I was exhausted not having a car to get to work and all my schoolwork load was weighing on me so my older guy friend offered to lend me $800 to buy a used car so I could get to work. I filed my first tax return and was so excited to get my refund so I could pay my friend back for the car, which was my dream at the time. I could leave and go to work and get out of that house freely! I bought an old Honda Accord stick shift with the bumper half falling off. I loved it! Well I filed my tax return, was receiving a little more than what I owed my friend and I realized months had gone by and I hadn't received my check. I called the IRS and it said my refund had been received and cashed. I lost my mind in confusion. Where was my money! After deliberating in my head to figure out what could've happened, I realized my mother had received the check in the mail, opened it, forged my signature and stole my first refund check of almost $1,000 and never said a word to me knowing I was asking for it all that time. She eventually admitted to stealing my money and offered no apologies or explanations. She later in life denied it ever happened up until today she will say she never did that. I worked my butt off to save enough money to pay my friend back after that and he was very gracious, knew what a terrible mother I had and understood it wasn't my fault. I did eventually pay him back and this was one of the markings of my life as a person that would never not pay someone back or steal from anyone. Also, I made sure my refunds from then on out were electronically funded.

Well after that story, I'm sure you'd think 'I hope you never spoke to your mother after that' but you'd be wrong. As a child and young adult, at least for me, you don't understand how awful or the gravity of such actions against you from a parent. You carry on, you let it go and you don't dwell on it too much. Needless to say, the list of taking and never giving back was an endless hole that didn't stop until I was in my mid thirties, had my own child and put a stop to the relationship.

In highschool I had a brief boyfriend but knew he wasn't anything I wanted long term so I broke it off and right after graduation, I reconnected with him one night after the gym, we ran into each other, and I ended up pregnant. My mother and most of my family pleaded with me to terminate but I had my one aunt that was married to my uncle that said a few words to me that changed my mind and I didn't terminate. I felt proud to own my choices and have the baby. You would think with zero help from the father, even after going to child support court (forced by the state since I had medicaid in order to deliver the baby) the father had zero interest in helping physically or financially. He worked under the table at his father's restaurant so they couldn't prove income and so he was to pay as if he made minimum wage. What does that look like? I believe a whopping $30 a week? Did he pay that? No he let it go and they would periodically bring him into court so he could pay arrears and needless to say it was the same as getting nothing.

Some would say I was delusionally upbeat and the energy of a bunny but I would say my spirit was just always up for the challenge. I knew I was capable and resourceful and would find a way. I didn't focus on the deadbeat father or my toxic mother, I just focused on working, putting myself through college and being a good mother. I lived in shared apartments and eventually found a garage efficiency to rent. I lived in a small garage with a bed on the floor with my baby and one day my mother, still married to my stepfather, came and asked me for $1,500. I loaned it to her out of my credit card, yes I know terrible decision but she swore she'd have it back to me in two weeks. Well she never paid me back and she never even helped take care of her granddaughter. This marked the time where I decided I will never loan or give this lady money again.

I finished school, got a job and saved up enough to buy myself a small townhouse. I am the only sibling out of my brother and sister that graduated high school, bought myself a home and had excellent credit. You'd think that would count for something but eventually life caught up to me and set me back.

Going out one day with my friend, I went to her office after work to meet her and go off to our event. There was a gentleman there having a meeting and I guess I caught his eye and he later asked my friend if I needed a job. I said sure I'd love to make more money and switch jobs. I ended up working for him and he was going through a divorce and little did I know he had this planned from the day he saw me. He wanted a future with me. We started talking and dating and he became like a stepfather to my child. He had children also and everyone got along. Once we were dating a few years, issues with my mother and my family would come up. I had given my mother a place to live after her divorce and she caused so much chaos and fights and hated my boyfriend, as she hates everyone which caused strain in our union. I eventually kicked her out after I had to call the cops on her one night because of her drinking and violence in front of my child. This became the weaning away from having any type of relationship with my mother. Took a few more years but I eventually got there.

My boyfriend and I had a good run but he was controlling with life in general and I think he saw my family life and used it against me to make me feel less than because I didn't have a functional upbringing and he knew better because of it. He used money to control me and the fact I worked for and with him, he really did hold all the power. After eleven years I had to end it for my sanity and this is where it all went down hill for me.

I've been working and hustling since I was 13 years old. I was always happy and on the go but going through trauma I wasn't aware of at the same time. When I tried to end my relationship, he made it very difficult and embarrassing for me. He wanted to make me stay by making it seem I would have nothing without him and made it difficult for me to find another job and have peace. I took some time off and my child started college at the same time. Since my boyfriend was a father figure to my child, he said he was paying for her to go to the college he went to and even took her for a tour. I told him we weren't getting back together just because he did that and he said he knew this. Well he lied and once my child was in college he dropped all the bills and backed away from his promise. What does a mother do? Well she sees her child happy in a college she loves so I do all I can do help her stay there.

Here lies the beginning of the tumble down to desperation. Everything was fine at first, I had savings and taking time off I never had before. Trying to enjoy visiting my daughter and decompressing from a breakup. Little did I know, a ptsd storm was on its way to me and I wouldn't see it coming. Sometime between the breakup and two years later, I found myself emotionally paralyzed, still dealing with my mother and toxic family, not working and just needing to stay somewhat still in life and take care of myself. I think of it as someone that needed rehab for alcohol or drugs but I needed time alone and space to heal what I never dealt with before.

Something in that breakup process triggered all my past and upbringing and turned into a five year healing process. I felt betrayed by the ex who made it very hard to get another job in the same field because he knew many people. I went through my savings, still had to pay for college I didn't budget for, lived off loans and credit cards thinking 'I will get back to work soon, it will all be ok'. I had excellent credit over 800's so I could get money from anywhere. I didn't expect my break to be so long but I also didn't know the ptsd would kick in either. At the time I didn't know what was going on with me really. I figured it out many years later with so much thought and reflection.

Fast forward to today, I've had a job for four years and plenty of extra jobs during to make so much headway in the debt I collected healing from my past. Looking back I think 'should I have filed bankruptcy?' but that wasn't who I am or have ever been and it made me so sad to see myself as that person that didn't honor their word and agreements. I have a long family history of people bouncing checks, always asking for money, never paying anyone back, never having good credit and never keeping their word.

The company I worked for closed suddenly in December and the extra jobs I had I let them go one by one because I was completely burnt out and couldn't go on much longer. The owner was very old and had an issue and the kids came and closed it all down.

For the first time in my life, I am emotionally strong and feel like a new healthier healed version of myself but now I have the stress of not having enough until I get a new better job I know I will find. I'm ready to let go of that way of life and find one really good job and not have the feeling I need to hide from the world anymore. I'm exceptionally skilled and was avoiding the real world in a sense while I healed.

Healing oneself can come with huge sacrifices, mine came with debt to survive and continue living. Some people shop, some people need rehab, I needed alone reflection time so I didn't turn into someone I wasn't proud of. I also wanted to be as healthy as I could for my child's sake. I've learned to cut out the toxic and stay true to myself and sometimes you can't put a price on that. Money is essential but on the flip side, it can't heal traumas you don't deal with.

For the first time in years, I've allowed myself hope. Not because everything was perfect, but because I finally have given myself permission to let go of the guilt that wasn’t mine to carry. I didn't stay in a union for the wrong reasons, I didn't let myself be bought and I took the hard way which was the organic way to grow into who I really am.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this story and if you want to help please click on this link and share. I realized during covid, there are many mutual aid groups in communities that get together and help their neighbors. It's a great way to actually help people and not give to organizations that make it so hard to receive the one time help to get ahead.

Elizabeth