Building Strength Through Trust

What made me discover my true strengths, you ask?

I believe I am in the midst of discovering some of my greatest strengths as I write this. Sitting in a little cafe called Coffee Break in Hackensack, NJ while my mother undergoes 8 hours of chemotherapy at the nearby John Theurer Cancer Center, I am finding strength and faith in places I’ve never felt before. I am simultaneously broken and renewed. There is so much more treatment still ahead of us, so many variables to consider, and unfortunately I cannot stop time or the rest of life from moving forward until it is over. I’ve already asked and it’s a pretty hard “NO”.

I’ve suffered from adultery, divorce, and being alone in a foreign country to discover my self love. I’ve traveled and studied in third world countries by myself to discover my grit. I’ve struggled with poverty to discover my innate value and true abundance. I know when I am going through a challenge that leads me on a path of deep self discovery when I feel undone and vulnerable. I know, without a doubt, that I am in the middle of this right now. I know this because I have been here before countless times. And I’ll be here again. Free falling. Trying to catch a grip. Letting go. Laughing. Crying. Screaming. Praying. Loving. What I do not know yet is what gem is to be realized here? If you don’t mind delving into this with me here and now, maybe I can begin to uncover the answer to this question.

How have I been primed for this?

I’ve been undergoing a conscious deep dive into the nooks and crannies of myself for a full decade now. I know why I am the way I am. I can see the world objectively as well as my place in it. I recognize my connection to everybody and everything. I see myself in you and everybody else, especially my family. I’ve worked through those sticky family dynamics and continue to find ways to move through life as part of this family with grace and love. I have curated a box full of tools to ground me no matter what my circumstances are in every given moment. I’m about as ready as anybody could ever be to care for and support a sick parent. I’m about as ready as anybody could ever be for anything life has to offer; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

What am I learning about myself as I move through this experience?

A deeper sense of trust. Trust in myself. Trust in Universal Source Energy and the God within and around us all. There is a deeper sense of surrender I’ve been able to access that requires trust that all is well and I need not do anything besides be for this to remain true. A knowing that, no matter what, all is divine and well and good in the eyes of creation. I was not raised with religion and I still do not subscribe to any sort of dogma. I have always been spiritual though, and curious about consciousness and all things that exist beyond the veil of what we can see, taste, touch, smell, etc. As my spirituality evolved, so did my ability to tap into the ethers and channel messages, insights, and knowledge directly from Source. With each level of evolution came a new level of insecurities to process – is what I am feeling real? Am I really channeling messages from beyond or am I losing my f*^king mind? Can I trust what I am sensing without outside validation? The answer to all of these, here and now, is a resounding YES.

So while I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, I know I can trust. I know I can hold the faith. And more importantly, I know to be grateful and present in every beautiful moment that passes by and understand life as the true gift that it is.

That's what I've got for now. Thank you for moving through that with me. I’ll take these newfound and renewed strengths with me as I move onward and upward. And if you feel so moved to hold space and say a prayer for my moms recovery and good health, I will forever be indebted to you. It works and we are grateful.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.