Broken

The woman sat in the old rocking chair, hands cradling her swollen belly, her right foot gently pushing the wooden verandah boards to keep the chair in motion. With silent tears rolling down her face she wept for the life of the child in her womb.

This was not her first child, nor indeed her first loss, but she had (perhaps foolishly) believed that all would be well with her baby ready to make her way into the world in just a few short days. Instead, the tears had begun to flow before the nurse had even placed the Doppler on her stomach at her routine maternity appointment that morning. Her heart froze, her mother’s intuition suddenly telling her that something was wrong. From there, her day was somewhat a blur with only key details standing out. The voice of the nurse reassured her that it was probably a faulty machine. The words of the sonographer “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat.” The phone call to her mother... “My baby is gone.” Her husband’s disbelieving face as he entered the room. Finally, they told her to go home. “Come back tomorrow,” they said, “give yourself time to process.”

And so here she was; in the chair that had sat on the verandah of the old house for longer than she had been alive. Staring numbly off into the distance she took no notice of the old dog at her feet as he sat quietly watching her in confusion. His mistress, usually so happy and full of life, now sat surrounded by despair. He did not understand her sadness but gently licked her hand to remind her he was there. She smiled sadly down at him, stroking his head before returning her eyes to the horizon. Lost again in thought she was unaware of her husband and her mother speaking in hushed tones inside the house. She was unaware of her sister bathing her son and getting him ready for bed.

The woman heard the black door open as her little boy came out to kiss her goodnight. Pausing her rocking to allow her son to climb awkwardly onto her lap. “Goodnight Mummy” he whispered “I love you.” Wrapping her arms about his small body she replied “Goodnight my Darling, I love you too.” The little boy wriggled down from her lap, patted the dog’s head, and headed back inside to bed.

The woman replaced her hands on either side of her belly and resumed her rocking. For the first time that night, she took in her surroundings. Her eyes fell on all the things that her unborn daughter would never see. The sky was painted with fading colours as the sun dipped below the horizon. The horses in the yard munching contentedly on their hay. The silent flight of the barn owl leaving the disused dairy to get an early start on her nightly hunt. Hearing footsteps she turned and saw her husband approaching. “Come on Love, let’s head to bed.” He extended his hand to her. Placing her hand in his she allowed him to pull her up and guide her inside.

The following morning her husband sat holding her hand in the backseat of her parent's car. When they reached the hospital they entered the lift and her mother pressed the button for the fifth floor. When they reached the fifth floor her mother approached the nurse's station to advise them that they were there. The woman was quickly shown to a single room and a drip was started to bring on her labour. In just a few short hours she was ready to deliver her baby and was moved to a delivery room. Her midwife entered the room having already been made aware of the situation. She introduced herself to the woman, her husband and her mother. “My name is Michelle.”

As the time ticked on the woman gave her final push and her little daughter silently entered the world. Looking at her she was perfect in every way except there was no life. Her little eyes would never open. Her little heart would never beat. She would never smile or laugh or learn or grow. She would never fall in love or know heartbreak. Such as her family was feeling now. Reaching out to stroke his calloused finger down his daughter’s small cheek the woman’s husband could stand it no longer and suddenly left the room. He exited the hospital and made his way down the dark street. He walked in silence until he came upon a man, a real estate agent, locking his office after staying back to finish up some paperwork. The estate agent asked him if he was alright and the man blurted out that their baby was dead. The estate agent unlocked his office and told the man to come inside. He sent a message to his wife and told her not to wait up for him and invited the man to have a seat. For many hours they talked. They talked about their wives, they talked about their jobs and their cars, and finally, they talked about their children. Eventually, the man thanked the estate agent and they wished each other well. The estate agent watched as the man began walking back towards the hospital before he headed towards his car.

When her husband returned the woman and their baby had been taken back to her room. He crawled onto the bed next to his wife and held her as she sobbed. He knew that the strong beautiful woman that he had fallen in love with and taken as his bride was broken. He knew this as he too was broken.

Over time the woman and her husband welcomed another child into their family. A bouncing baby girl that, with her older brother, helped to heal their hearts just enough that it no longer felt like the woman and her husband could not go on. Their family would never truly feel complete and they would always grieve the loss of their little daughter but they took solace in their remaining children and each other and learned to live with the perpetual heartache.