Breaking the cycle

When I was 12 years old, my mom left me. I thought it was me, and it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't. I spent years in rebellion; stealing cars, doing drugs, and running away from every foster home I was placed in. I was the girl whose mom abandoned her, but kept her other siblings, and I was angry and confused. I turned to heroin at 13 years old, and than alcohol at 14, and lost the few friends I had kept the past two years. My mom wasn't a bad mom, and that made it all the more painful that she didn't want me. I was separated from my siblings, except one older sister, who was already doing meth, and had her first kid at 15. I was 13 when my niece was born and I was terrified she was going to be taken from us.

I spent a lot of nights taking care of my niece while she was teething and sick. My sister eventually got in trouble with the law and her and my niece was placed in foster care in the custody of her Grandma, who allowed us both to come live with her. Seeing my sister at such a low point made me want to change. Right before I turned 15, I decided I wanted to turn my life around. I got sober, with the help of my foster mom, got off probation and went back to school. I started making new friends, and trying to make better decisions. A little after I turned 15, I met my neighbor Dave. He was 28 and against all better judgement I formed a relationship with him.

Now I know reading this, you're probably thinking that from the outside looking in that this situation alone was enough to make me lose friends. I know now that he was a predator, but back than I didn't understand. He came into my life when I was vulnerable. He played off my insecurities and made me believe that no one in the world loved me other than him. I did believe him, because why would a grown man risk everything to be with a teenage girl who was abandoned by the one person who was supposed to never leave her? I learned what grooming is as an adult and looking back I can see why it was so hard for me to not believe him.

I hit my relationship from everyone, including my foster mom. I started sleeping with him, and sneaking over to his house. January 7th, 2008 I found out I was pregnant, and my whole world came crashing down around me. Dave was no longer interested in me, because he was worried about going to jail. There was no hiding my pregnancy despite my best efforts, and I was already at a point where I was starting to show. I didn't want to drop out of school and I to be honest I didn't even want to be a mom.

When my case worker found out I was pregnant, they asked me who the father was. I didn't tell them. I spent my whole life watching people I love leave me, and I didn't want to be the reason that another person did. I told a few friends and they swore they would support me. I was removed from my foster home, despite trying my hardest to stay and placed in a maternity home. After being placed in a new foster home over the summer, I had to start a new school.

I was due August 23rd, and school started the 21st. I remember walking into class and having everyone stare and whisper. I told the nurse and my teachers that my education was important for mine and my babies future, and that I would not be taking time off. I got a lot of criticism for this. Rumors flew about the pregnant teenager who was a single mom, because she was in a relationship with an older married man.

My life was horrible at that point and getting out of bed was the worst. My daughter Aubry was finally born on August 30, 2008 at 2:05 A.M. in Henderson, Nv. I still graduated high school even though I was late, and attended college. I got my first apartment at 15 and had my daughter after I turned 16. Life was hard and I struggled a lot. I lost all my friends, and was taken from what family I did have.

Though we have never fully reconnected, I am grateful that I had my daughter. She came in my life at a point I thought I would never be loved. I had no family and no home, and I was making the worst possible decisions. After I had her, I was able to stand on my feet alone and provide her with a life that she deserved, and that I never had. Years later I met an amazing man and for 6 years he has been Dad to my little girl.

I was most definitely an outcast, and looking back those years of ostracism were the hardest years of my life. However, now I wouldn't change them for the world. They taught me to be strong and independent, and they taught me how to appreciate and love my daughter all the more. Now I am in the process of writing a book, I have been with my husband 6 years, and I officially broke the cycle I was raised in.

I am not a bad mom, I did not abandon my child, and I never chose drugs over her. Through the hardest times in my life all I needed was her and I knew I could survive through anything. Although I found love in the end, I never needed a man to be worth something. I defined my worth and I provided my daughter with a life that was a million times better than the world I grew up in.

Some of my siblings have abandoned their kids, they chose to do the same things they already knew. They do drugs, and their kids have been raised with out them by other people. I never needed that. When I met Dave I tried replace the hole in my heart with someone who took advantage of me. When I had my daughter I learned what unconditional love was and I realized that the only in the world that I needed was to be there for her.

We don't have a perfect life, and we do struggle sometimes, but she is so smart and mature for her age. She is kind, and loving, and she understands the value of hard work, and that is because I showed it to her. I taught her to be better than her circumstances, by choosing to break the cycle of my own.