Black

Black. That’s what the color of the walls should be. Black like her hair. Or maybe just as black as the color of her skin. Once again, her family moved. So once again, she has a brand new, all white, bedroom. A bedroom where she will come home from school and leave her homework blank on the edge of her desk. A bedroom that she will stay in and never leave, not even for meals. A bedroom where she is not allowed to lock her door because she “don’t pay no god damn bills in this house.”

Yes. Black. Because in this room you can see right through her. She sticks out like a sore thumb and her parents would instantly notice when they would walk past and scold her for it. And it wouldn’t be because she was in pain. Oh no! It would be because she couldn’t describe her pain and why she was feeling it. She would not be able to explain why she didn’t feel up to doing her homework or eating dinner. She would not be able to explain why she was always so tired or why she always slept in so late. She would not be able to explain her random urges to cry and stay in bed all day. If her parents asked, all she would be able to say, is “I don’t know.”

But “I don’t know” is unacceptable. You do something. You know why. You feel a certain way. You know why. There are reasons for everything. And in a black household “I don’t know” isn’t a reason for anything. That’s why depression doesn’t exist in black girls. She would need to know why she’s sad all the time or why she’s tired all the time and the reason better be good. Because if it’s not, she will never hear the end of it. “Feelin’ that way and don’t know why and we give you everything?” Her parents would say.

So yes. Black. Because at least she can hide it in black.

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Aniya was laying down on her bed when she heard a knock at her bedroom door. "Come in!" she yelled.

"Hey Princess! I was getting ready to go to the hardware store to get paint for the rooms. You wanna come with?" her dad asked.

"Mom's not going with you?"

"Nah. She said she wants to finish setting up the kitchen. It's been stressing her out not seeing everything in it's place."

"Dad...I think mom might have OCD."

"Might???" They both burst into tears laughing.

Aniya got up from her bed with the biggest smile on her face. "Yea I'll go with you."

They both head downstairs to the kitchen to say bye to her mother. She was staring intently at a box labelled Kitchen-Silverware. She crossed her arms and started tapping her arms with her index finger.

"Hi Mommy." Aniya said.

Her mother looked up quickly with a scowl and upon realizing who interrupted her, she unfolded her arms and with the biggest smile said "Oh hey baby!" She ran over to Aniya, gave her a hug and kissed her on her forehead. "How are you baby girl?"

"I'm fine momma. Me and Daddy were getting ready to head to the hardware store to get some paint. Do you need anything?"

"Whoa little girl. Are you paying for it?" Her dad asked jokingly.

"Oh hush Jordan!" Her mom pushed her dad away from them and put all her attention back on Aniya. "No baby, I'm alright. This kitchen is my project for today. I need to find the perfect place for everything." She walked back over to the box she was staring at and glared at it again before looking back at Aniya. "So, did you figure out what color you wanted for your room?"

Aniya wasn't sure if she should answer honestly or if she should lie. Lie. She thought. They would be so upset if you told them the color you really wanted.

"Umm...kind of. I've really been leaning towards the color purple. Like a lilac kind of purple."

"Well that should be pretty." Her mom said with a smile.

"Yea but when did you start liking the color purple?"

Such a stupid lie Aniya! He's right. You hate purple. You've always hated purple. "I was just thinking I'd try something new." She said.

"Right...well we should get going and let your mom focus."

"Right behind you. Bye Mom!"

"Bye sweetie. You two have fun. Be safe!"

Aniya and her dad hop in the car and make their way to the store. They listen to the radio and jam to some of their favorite songs. As they pull into the parking lot, her dad turns off the ignition and removes the keys. He turns towards Aniya. "You ready?"

"Yes sir!"

While in the store, they find the paint isle. "Your mom wants grey for our room so I'm going to look at the greys and see if I can find the one she likes. Feel free to look at all the colors and see if there's something you like."

"Ok." She slowly panned through all of the paint swatches. She looked at the yellows and the pinks. The oranges and the red. She even looked at the purples. And I mean really looked at them and gave a couple of them some thought. But the color she got stuck at was black. She was amazed at the different kinds of black her room could be. The different shades that could match and cover her depression.

There was Midnight, Black Satin, Midsummer Night, Midnight and many others. But the one that caught her eye, the one that she loved and couldn't stop staring at, was Onyx. It wasn't too dark and it wasn't too light. It fit her perfectly. She'd be sad and in a dark place but also can perk up and act like nothing's wrong when she's around her parents. She was so intrigued by the color that she didn't even notice her dad standing there.

"So black huh? Is that what you want your room to be?"

"No! No! I was just looking. I want this one!" She pointed at a random color and hoped her dad believed her.

"Well alright. I'll grab it. Go find us a space in line."

Aniya headed to check out while her dad stayed behind and grabbed the paint for her room. Chartruse. What kind of color is chartruse. She thought.

Her dad met her at the register just in time for their turn. They went home and her dad started the process of painting all of the rooms.

"Do you need any help Daddy?"

"No I'm fine. I got this. Go help your mom."

"Ok."

Aniya went to the kitchen and helped her mom. It took them the entire day to put away all of the boxes they had for the kitchen. "I think we should order dinner tonight. What do you think?" Her mom asked as they plopped on the couch in the living room.

"That's fine with me."

"Ok go ask your dad what he's in the mood for."

Aniya went upstairs and looked in her parents room to see if he was in there. Nope. She thought. But mom was right to choose grey. It's pretty in here. It fits them. As she walked towards her room to see if he was working in there, her dad was heading out.

"Just in time baby girl! You want to see how the color you picked turned out?"

She was sick to her stomach just thinking about it. It's going to be ugly. She just knows it. "Sure." She said

"It doesn't look like much now but once I put all your furniture back it should be just right. And we can always change it whenever you want."

"That sounds great Dad." She closed her eyes before walking into her room. Once she felt like she was passed the doorway, she opened her eyes. A sigh of relief came out as she stared mesmerized at her room. This isn't the color she pointed to in the store.

"It's black." she whispered.