Beyond Conventions: Fostering Independence and Growth Within Our Family

“A willingness to question the way things are paradoxically affirms a vision of the way things ought to be.”

― Alfie Kohn, The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom About Children and Parenting

When we challenge what’s considered normal, both individuals and societies can find flaws and areas to improve.

By asking questions, we don't just critique.

Questioning can bring positive changes and make the world more fair and equitable.

As a mother, I’ve come to appreciate the importance of fostering independence in our school-age children. Giving children the power of choice is one effective method to do this. It’s critical to acknowledge that even our youngest members of the family have their own distinct ideas and preferences and are able to make decisions in the fast-paced world of today.

Granting choices to children has transformative effects and profoundly shapes their development.

Our Experience with Our Seven-Year-Old and His Math Class

Our seven-year-old has been diligently attending a mental arithmetic course for over a year now. He recently faced a surprising challenge as he was assigned a new class for this academic year. To our astonishment, he firmly refused to go to his math class.

His refusal was quite adamant, with him repeating the word “No” over and over again. Naturally, we began to wonder if something had upset him during his previous class—perhaps something had made him sad, angry, or uncomfortable.

All he wanted was to stay home.

In our attempt to understand his perspective, we managed to learn that the main issue for him was the absence of friends in the class. This was only the second time he had attended this new level, which explained why he felt this way.

Our Decision reflected our parenting choices.

After a significant amount of time spent attempting to persuade him, we ultimately made the decision to allow our son to stay home and revisit the math class at a later time.

Time had flown by during our efforts to convince him, and we felt that this approach was best suited to his current state of mind. He had made a choice, and we were there to support him and at the same time discuss the implications of his refusal.

Further, I’ll shed light on our thought processes and self-discovery journey as parents.

Self-Discovery and Transformation

For the longest time, our eldest son was perceived as the obedient, well-behaved, and clever child in our extended family—a label that, in part, resulted from my own projections as a first-time parent. But recently, our family embarked on a journey of self-discovery that led us to uncover some hidden truths about ourselves.

Through therapy sessions, I unraveled a collection of latent abilities that I had underestimated. These abilities had long been restrained by deeply entrenched beliefs passed down through generations.

As a child, I was encouraged to be polite and never cross certain boundaries, which left me feeling reserved throughout my high school years. I was very shy. I have developed the idea that I am not able to study by myself or do anything by myself, for that matter. I lived in a culture of tutoring and always worked for the ultimate goal in life, a better school, a better university, and a better job than my parents had.

With motherhood, I gradually unlocked my adventurous side and reignited old passions and dreams. I found myself on a path to a career change, and I rebelled against these ingrained beliefs. I stopped fixating on others’ issues, ceased comparing myself to them, and allocated more time to pursue my personal aspirations. Almost out of thin air, I made time for online courses and boot camps, rearranging my schedule to accommodate my newfound flexibility. I became a freelancer and started to spin around all my abilities to make space for my emerging true self.

The biggest shift was probably that I started to allow myself to feel the whole range of emotions. My kids and other family members frequently brought these to the surface. Remarkably, my transformation became a source of inspiration for both my kids and my husband to embark on their journeys of self-discovery.

Our eldest, in particular, underwent a striking transformation. He shed his restrained demeanor and began to express himself more wildly, using his voice more assertively than ever before—a natural part of his developmental journey. The challenge for me was to allow his emotions to come out, accept them, and talk with him one-on-one about his expectations and experiences during the day.

My husband, inspired by my learning journey, has decided to pursue some extra business innovation courses and also take up hiking as a hobby.

Our middle child, through his wild side and being always full of energy, has proven that he is athletic by nature. He also started saying loudly that he wanted to study coding just like Mommy.

In the midst of this, our youngest seemed to have found a switch, and she began chattering away about everything she heard from her brothers.

It was as if our kids were collectively challenging the expectations we had inherited from our own childhoods. As parents, we joined forces with our children to explore a new approach to fostering independence and promoting personal growth within our family. Each family member embarked on their own unique path, allowing us to discover and embrace individual journeys while nurturing a sense of unity.

All the unanticipated changes and freedoms that changed our lives also proved to be obstacles as we navigated our parenting journey.

But what good is a journey without challenges? While a journey without difficulties might seem preferable, it’s frequently the setbacks that give the journey its purpose and transforming power.

Our kids’ shouting was, in fact, their way of declaring their presence, a clear signal that they sought both guidance and the freedom to express themselves. In a similar fashion, I, too, began articulating my own actions with a raised voice, openly sharing why I felt tired or stressed. I recounted stories from my own childhood, reminiscing about times when children were expected to remain silent during dinner or in the presence of guests, all of it disguised as mere politeness.

Our family’s journey of self-discovery and growth has made a big difference in how we all get along. We learned to let go of old ideas that held us back and follow our interests. This helped us become more independent and strong, and it brought us closer together as parents and kids.

As a child, did you learn how to cope with change and make choices?

Could you rebel against the normality of the times or did you have to abide by all ingrained societal rules?

Let me know in the comments if you want to share your experiences.

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***I originally published this story on Medium.***

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