Beverly

January 13, 2021 ....... today would have been your 94th birthday Grandmother. How do mere words express the level of grief and hurt I still feel even 21 years later.

Your name was Beverly Eugenia but everyone called you Jean. To me you were grandmama, a loving soul that could cuss like a sailor and had a pitching arm better than most baseball players I assume. I remember your stories about growing up in the south in the 20's with your siblings (the rare times you would indulge me by telling them). I laughed and cried when you sat down with me and told me stories about your life with my granddaddy Jack. But the ones I loved best of all were the ones about your children giving your grandchildren a chance to hear about our parents and their growing up years.

Grandmother, Do you remember telling me about how you tried to divorce granddaddy all those times? I knew that you were grieving over the loss of your child and so was granddaddy. I must thank you though because if you had divorced him then my daddy would have never been born.

My soul hurts grandmama when I remember our last conversation. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you and you held me in your arms on the couch at auntie house crying softly with me. You told me that one day you wouldn't be there in person but always in spirit. You knew that when the time came, I would take your death hard and you were right. Remember when I said that I would come home instead of going to meet my boyfriend's family over the 4th of July holiday. They reassured me that it would be ok and that you approved but grandmama I knew in my heart that i wouldn't see you alive again.

I remember the day you had passed vividly. I woke up crying and feeling like my heart had shattered but not knowing why. I had dreamed that you and I were home and talking about my future. I stayed in my dorm and was close to the phones because I knew something bad had happened. Finally late that afternoon, after being dragged to dinner by a friend I came back to the dorm and spied a slip of paper taped to my room. Tears started to flow down my face as I ran to the dorm phone and tried to call home. Listening to each ring and then hearing my mom's voice as she answered. The tone of her voice made my heart break even more as I begged her "noooo, please nooooo."

My body collapsed in the small room where the phones were causing one of my dorm mates to run to the RA. Through my tears, I heard that you had passed peacefully in your sleep early that morning. Heart breaking then shattering as the memories of my dream filtered through my mind. The RA on duty ushered me into their office and then called my parents back to talk about flights and getting me home. She told my parents that she wouldn't feel comfortable having me fly out that night because I was in shock. I remember that much .....

Grandmama, I had to be strong then I knew that..... and I tried. I felt your presence that night hugging me tightly knowing the pain and hurt I was experiencing at your loss. I am still strong grandma .... holding on to the love that you had for your grandchildren.You have 2 beautiful smart great-granddaughters and one rambunctious great-grandson who gets into everything. I know that if you were here now you would love them and then threaten to beat the youngest two behinds.

Love you grandma and please tell grandpa and the uncles and auntie Bertha that we love them and miss you all. I know that I will see you all someday again but for now I am celebrating your 94th birthday.