Best Parenting Styles for Pre-Teens

If you have been a Younglabs reader, by now you would know that we often talk about the basic four styles of parenting and their variations that apply to parents and children. And if this is the first time you are reading one of our blogs, then let us introduce you to those styles. These are mainly:

• Authoritarian

• Neglectful

• Permissive

• Authoritative

Each of these styles has different characteristics and leads to different results. Each has its own influence on children and is a result of the natural tendencies of the parents. But apart from your natural tendencies as a parent, being educated about parenting also gives you the option to adopt the parenting style you deem necessary. For pre-adolescent ages, parents face new types of challenges that can include emotional swings, rebellion in some form, hormonal changes, and a lot more. This pre-teen age group is preparing for their adolescent journey and there are many traits you can spot right at this age. For example, they start expecting more freedom to make their own decisions, they look for independence and privacy, they also demand respect and so on. How do you embody the best parenting style to efficiently manage your pre-teen or pre-teens? It's simple and we have broken it down for you further.

While in our conversation with two sets of parents – one that was seemingly permissive and the other authoritative, we found interesting observations and thoughts that led us to some really good insights. The permissive ones are parents to a preteen girl and a slightly younger boy, while the authoritative ones are parents to a single preteen boy.

Before we dive into these conversations, in order to determine which style you are suited for and which is the best parenting style to use with your pre-teen, you must first understand each of these parenting styles and what they bring to the pre-teen years:

Authoritarian:

It is a slightly extreme style of parenting where there is very little room for negotiation between parent and child. Also known as The Disciplinarian parenting style in which parents tend to be strict with their children. In this style of parenting, there are rules that are laid out before children and they must follow these without faltering. These rules may or may not be explained or reasoned with. It completely depends on what the parents decide. The child is expected to follow them even if they don’t necessarily understand them. From a pre-teen perspective, let us look at the pros and cons of this style:

Pros

• When done right, this is the best parenting style to instill a very strong sense of duty and responsibility in the children.

• Children raised with this style can focus better and reach their goals faster.

Cons

• Children do not necessarily develop an open relationship with their parents.

• They start seeing their parents as “outsiders” rather than family.

• Children raised in this manner are more prone to developing bad habits such as smoking, drinking, neglecting school, etc.

• Can also lead to depression for lack of a warm, communicative environment at home.

Neglectful:

This type of parenting usually stems from personal issues of parents because of which they become more or less indifferent towards their children. Neglectful parents are more uninvolved than necessary and can be unavailable to their children in times of need. They also do not respond much to the child and are not really aware of what goes on in the child’s life and mind even though they live under the same roof. These parents are normally not available emotionally and even physically in a lot of cases. Here are the pros and cons of this parenting style with respect to a pre-teen specifically:

Pros

There are no “pros” of this parenting style on record as none of the traits of this parenting style seem to have a positive effect at least in all the cases that have been studied by parenting experts over several decades.The only possible upside could be that if the children survive this successfully they can become extremely resilient and self-sufficient when they grow up because the pre-adolescent age is when you start to shape your own characteristics and under this style of parenting, the child may be able to develop these skills that would stay with them for life.

Cons

• Children can have more negative emotions than usual.

• They often fail to perform academically.

• They tend to become socially awkward due to a lack of healthy communication at home.

• They can develop mental health issues as a result of neglect.

Permissive:

“We have never said no to our children. We want to be their friend.”, was the first thing we were told by Ridhi and Rohan’s mother. This is generally what permissive parents say. They tend to be lenient, very easy going and allow children to do what they like. The need to do so can come from various possibilities like wanting to be close with the children, having had children after great difficulty, or simply wanting to act “cool” as parents. What such parents tend to miss are clear boundaries. “We want our children to be able to do what they like without hiding from us, so we all drink together as a family and party together. We even let them drive the car. And there has never been any pressure on them to perform at school.” Ridhi and Rohan are not even thirteen.

During the course of our conversation with the two children, we realized that not only do they not do well at schools and completely lack aspirations, but they have also in fact started to show signs of unruly behavior, not having boundaries of their own, neglecting health and not really caring about anyone. Such is the flipside of this form of parenting. Now let us look at the weighing scale of pros and cons in this parenting style:

Pros

• Children tend to be extremely happy and socially active.

• They are close to their parents and take pride in their upbringing no matter how their life turns out.

Cons

• In the pre-teen years, kids can miss out on learning important life lessons such as responsibility, aspiration, and even education.

• Children are more prone to getting into trouble.

• This style can cause a lot of health and behavioural issues as the children are allowed to eat as they please, do what they need and not maintain their health and discipline if they wish.

Authoritative:

Possibly the most recommended and best parenting style across the board, authoritative parenting, if done right, can strike the right balance between leniency and authority. Parents in this case set boundaries and explain the “why” to their children. They also believe in open and honest communication with their children. There is a sense of friendly disciplining which involves reasoning and support.

Manav’s parents are high achievers in their own lives and in spite of their own daily stress, make sure he gets the right parenting support from them and learns the right values. “Discipline is of course necessary. One cannot simply allow their children to do everything they like. Children have to be taught a sense of right and wrong”, said Manav’s father. “As he grows up, there will be many things he will learn because of his own mistakes, but our duty is to make sure he doesn’t make the most obvious mistakes.” This philosophy sits typically within the authoritative parenting concepts and is known to also show the best results. To help you understand both sides of the equation, here’s a look at the pros and cons of this parenting style:

Pros

• Creates a supportive, healthy and open atmosphere at home.

• Children raised with this style tend to have much lesser rate of physical or mental health issues.

• It gives children higher self esteem and quality of life.

• Pre-adolescents are happier, more responsible and less likely to take up rebellious habits in this parenting style.

Cons

• The supposedly best parenting style comes with a huge challenge as doing this right requires a lot of patience and determination by the parents.

• Can get confusing at times, when rules get blurry and both parents and children do not know how to deal with them.

When it comes to your own preteen children, it is very important to understand each of these parenting styles and also get a sense of which one feels the most natural to you. Forcing yourself to take up a style that sounds good but is not exactly you can get trickier and even wrong. We have listed down the important considerations of all parenting styles for you but it is up to you to decide which one suits your personality best. After that, you just need to follow through and course-correct as and when required. Pre-adolescents have increased curiosity. They want to try new things so you need to be aware and somewhat open to that. To do this, you can even pick up some traits of different parenting styles and fashion the best parenting style for your child. Sometimes, show them your fun and mischievous side, other times be a responsible guide. Mix it up and find out what works. You may not necessarily fit in one category and that is fine. Even your child will have many unique qualities that require special treatment.

To know more about the best parenting styles and get more advice or expert views on your personal journey as a parent, talk to us at www.younglabs.in. We are here to help!