Beautiful Chaos

SUNDAY January 19, 2020

My red hair is up with waves flowing down my shoulders and around my face. I have glittery sand colored make up on to help my dark blue eyes pop. My full lips are rose colored. I decided to wear boots, tight jeans, and a flowy navy top just low cut enough. I’m curvacious with a slim waist, but I’m definitely not a Beyonce. I’m more plump than that. Cold January wind whirls up around as I slide through the front doors to Barnes & Nobles. I’m walking towards the business section and there I think he is. “Eli?” I ask, hoping I’m not embarrassing myself to a complete stranger. “Yes ma’am. You must be Andrea,” Eli says with a southern twang and crooked half smile. “I thought you’d be in the business section with you having your own business and all,” I informed him. He chuckles,”Welp ya caught me.” Eli has dark brown hair in a short faded style. He has a muscular build and is just a few inches taller than me. His green eyes twinkle with crows feet. This man is absolutely charming.

MONDAY June 14, 2021

“When I was 8 months pregnant with our son, Beau he.. uh.. choked me, pinned me down, covered my head.. with a blanket.” I have to pause because it sounds awful outloud. I quickly spit out, “he hit me twice in the temple and said he was going to kill me.” Holy shit he said he was going to kill me. “He got paranoid thinking the police were targeting him and out to kill him. He thought I was on their side. Not only did the bastard resist arrest when the cops showed, but this man threatened to kill them, their families, and burn their houses down.” My therapist, Mallory, is looking at me with her big brown eyes and her jaw dropped. Her sandy brown hair is in a pixie cut making it to where there is no hiding emotion on her face. Mallory can’t help but show her horror. She asks, “Where is he now?”

“Benton County Jail. He got 6 months for back pay child support for his oldest daughter, Joy, back in March.”

SATURDAY February 22, 2020

“I want you to meet the kids.”

I lift my head up off of Eli’s lap and sit up in his ‘98 Ford. I can see my breath as I breathe. Eli lives with his parents. He didn’t want to tell me, because he thought I’d think he’s a loser. I’m not allowed in the house, because Eli is also technically still a married man. We have been listening to Matchbox 20 songs and talking most of the night. I look at the clock and it says 1:09. I face him and say, “I thought it was too soon. We’ve only been hanging out for a month now.” “I know. I know. I’ve decided I want you to be my woman and ya can come over for breakfast in the morning and meet the kids.” My heart skips a beat at the thought of being this man’s woman. He whispers, “It feels like this is right. This is what life has been preparing me for. It’s been preparing me to be your man.” I feel like I’m melting, time froze, and that this is a blissful dream. “Well, if you’re sure, I’d love to meet them!” He smiles big from ear to ear.

MONDAY July 6, 2021

I’m sobbing, “I miss the kids. They’re my babies. I love them just as much as Beau.” Mallory rests her hand on mine looking at me with compassion and reassuringly says, “You raised them for a whole year, of course you’d be having these emotions.” Tears are running into my mouth. I manage to tell Mallory, “I just want them loved and to know that I love them and didn’t give up on them.”

TUESDAY September 22, 2020

“Bella put that down. Jaaaaay it’s Nick’s turn. Ember do you have homework?!” I yell across the house. “No. I’m in kindergarten,” the bright 5 year old replies in a very matter of fact tone. I chuckle to myself as I look down and see this cute three year old little girl covered in flour. “Mama!” Bella cheers. I nod and let her know, “Yes baby, thank you for helpin.” Nick is crying and red faced chasing his brother Jason around the kitchen table. I holler, “Hey! Hey! No running in the kitchen especially when I’m cooking.” Both boys stop and Nick cries, “An-gee-uh you say it my turn and Jay no give it to me.” I look over at Nick’s older brother who gives me an ornery smirk. “Jay give it to him or I won’t let you take your bath first.” He scowls and says, “Fine.” Running a house with four kiddos back to back in age and being pregnant is not a task for the weak. “Mama! Mama!” I look down at Bella and she drew a heart in the flour mess that’s spilled all over the counter now.

THURSDAY August 26, 2021

I call my mom and on the first ring she answers.“Mom Eli agreed to the 5 year protection order! He didn’t even try to fight it!” She’s laughing and says, “I knew he would.”

“How did you know that?”

Then my mother bestowed some wisdom upon me. She said,”Because he realizes he doesn’t have control over you anymore, because you stood up to him and put in for the order. I’m proud of you.”

THURSDAY July 23, 2020

The water feels warm on my hot skin. It’s the middle of July and we have been living at campsites. We couldn’t afford my apartment. Eli says business will pick back up after covid passes. He’s confident it’ll be any day now. We just have to get through this tough period and everything will be okay. The kids’ mom came and got them today, so it’s just me and Eli under the stars. Eli comes from behind me and rests his hand on my stomach. I let myself fall into him feeling his naked chest against my back. “This is paradise baby,” he whispers in my ear. I smile taking in all his love along with the Arkansas night sky. He’s right. This is paradise. “I’m going to make ya my wife one day.” My breathing stops. I start to panic for half a second, but I quickly collect myself and laugh, “Oh really now?” Eli turns me around to face him and pulls me in close. I feel his breath against my lips. His stubbled lips press against my full ones causing heat to rise in my cheeks. My heart is pounding against my ribs as his hand cups my left breast. “You’re going to be my Mrs. McLauren.”

MONDAY June 21, 2021

“I kept telling myself that he’s sick and needs help. Eli was severely abused as a child, so it just makes sense that he is the way he is. I didn’t realize until after he got sent to jail that just because someone is sick and is the father of my child, does not give them the right to treat me the way he did.” Mallory snaps her fingers and says, “Get it girl.” I go on,” I’m so mad! Why did he have to do this to us? I’m mad because I’m now a full time single mother with no help at all.” Mallory points out, “You’re mad because he isn’t the father or husband you need him to be.”

“Exactly, but I can’t put all the blame on him. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I got Beau out of this and a lot of hard lessons. I’m just so sick of this grieving process though. I’m tired of being depressed, angry, and coming to realizations. It’s exhausting.”

MONDAY August 19, 2020

“I didn’t want this. I told you right at the beginning when we got together. I’m not having anymore babies, changing anymore diapers, or going through another damn pregnancy! I’m gonna help ya get your own place with that baby. Then I’ll be on my way.” “No,” I beg, “Please don’t. I love you and I know our baby is going to be such a blessing to our big family. I love those kids. If you leave then I don’t get to see them babies anymore. Don’t.” I feel our son kicking like crazy. I can’t stop sobbing. Eli looks at me with tears in his eyes and states, “I’m going to the lake. I’m gonna walk in and never come back. I’m not a good man Andrea. I’m a piece of shit Dad that has his kids living in a hotel. They’ll all be better off if I’m dead.”

“That’s not true! Please please believe me when I tell you that you’re an amazing father and we need you. Please stay Mr. Man. You’re the best.” Eli squeezes both of my arms tight and kisses my lips. The taste of beer spreads on my tongue. Our tears are running together. Then out of nowhere he takes the computer and throws it across the room screaming, “I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE AND YOU’RE ALL MAKIN’ ME STAY!” I step back and feel fear come at me in waves. Then Plop! Eli passes out on the bed. Pure silence. I drop to my knees with a sigh of relief. Another night of trying to make Eli not commit suicide. I press my hands together and pray. God please help. Please help this man.

FRIDAY November 6, 2020

No filter on her mouth or her cigarettes. I’m playing one of my favorite songs while riding with Eli in his truck. We’re living on truck stops, burgers, and fries. Eli is not impressed by this song. “This is stupid. What kind of example are these women setting? Typical woman to take advantage of a damn man who is just trying to make it in this world,” he mumbles while trying to light a cigarette. The smell of whiskey is flooding the cab of his truck. We are driving to go bid on a house. I have been hoping and praying for a job to come, and for Eli not to blow it. The past few months have been hard. Me, 7 months pregnant now, Eli, and the four kids have been living off food pantry donations and scraps his parents had after their meals. The money we do get goes to Eli’s smoking and drinking habits. We’re living with his parents now and get to sleep on the living room floor. “Don’t you think you’re going too fast around these curves?” I ask gently, trying not to piss the beast off. He bites back, “No! Leave me alone. Shut up and turn this music off.” He leans in to turn the radio down- BOOM! I fly forward with my head smacking against the windshield. I feel my seat belt choke my neck. When I open my eyes I see that we crashed into a ditch, fence, and pear tree.

TODAY

Lastnight I had the most vivid dream. Beau and I walked up to Eli. Our surroundings were so bright that I could only see the three of us. I handed Beau over to Eli. He squeezed Beau tight, smiling. I was sad trying not to cry and I started explaining why I had to get the protection order. Eli stopped me. “I know. I know. Andrea I love you.” All three of us hugged tight. That was it. It was such a beautiful dream that I woke up and cried. It’s been 5 months since he was sent to jail and here I am sitting under the three pear trees on my grandparents’ property. The sun is rising, dogs barking, Beau is laughing.