Be the Light

When you get married, divorce is never the first thing that comes to mind as you slowly make your way down the aisle, making eye contact with your soon-to-be spouse. Your future flashes before your eyes - the life you had envisioned for yourself and your spouse. Visions of traveling the world. Starting a family. Growing old together. But what happens when the world you created in your mind, comes crumbling down in the world around you? That glass-shattering reality that you never thought would be yours. So, what do you do when that becomes your reality?

When I got married at the young age of 19, I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to not be another statistic as a young bride. The stigma of getting a divorce was drilled into my head as a young girl. I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps, as being a child of divorce, I knew the ramifications of it on a young mind. I didn’t want to put my children through the same thing I saw growing up. So, on that day when I made my vows, I vowed to always make it work. For better or worse, right? Unfortunately, life doesn’t always play out the way you plan it to. The dreams you have are not always obtainable, regardless of how hard you try to make them work. I fought so hard to save my marriage, much to the detriment of myself. I lost so much of myself, trying to please someone who they themselves didn’t even know what they wanted.

One thing was clear, it wasn’t me nor the life I had envisioned for us. I soul searched. Long and hard. Am I making the right decision? Maybe if I love a little bit harder, it’ll change. Maybe if I change more of myself, it’ll be different. But at that point, I had nothing left to give. The only option I was left with, for myself and my children, was to leave. It wasn’t a decision that came easy, by any means. I cried myself to sleep for months, wishing I could fix things. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough to make things work. Then one day, it clicked. It wasn’t me. Some people are just not right for each other. No matter how hard you try to fit two different puzzle pieces together if they don’t fit, they don’t fit. It was then that I felt that heavy feeling I held in my chest for so long, lift away. I felt lighter. I felt at peace with my decision. But most of all, I didn’t blame myself. I was easy on myself. On the thoughts that crept through my head as I was lying alone, awake at night. I was easy on how I healed and allowed myself to feel every emotion my body was telling me to feel at that moment. Anger, sadness, frustration, elation, happiness – but most of all relief.

While divorce is never the ideal situation and one, we don’t automatically think of when we get married, it is sometimes the necessary evil we must face. That idea you envisioned as you walked down the aisle just took a different turn down the path of life. It wasn’t the wrong turn, just a detour. So, my advice? Always, always be easy on yourself. Take it day by day. No divorce is the same. But the idea of always being kind to yourself is the same. Be mindful of how you’re feeling and remember your feelings are valid. It is only temporary, and I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you feel that there isn’t, be the light you are searching for. You’ll find it.