Barren

I looked out the window and watched the rain hit the glass slowly. The sky was crying an ugly cry. The kind of cry I needed to release. My heart was heavy with the news I had just received. Earlier today my doctor told me I was infertile. I sat in the chair just staring back at her as if she couldn’t see me. She started explaining prodcedures, going over my lab reports and discussing infertility treatment but I was already in another place. I couldn’t let the tears leave my eyes for some reason. My face was just still. My jaws locked and I couldn’t speak. I honestly didn’t know if I was breathing anymore, I was certain she could see my blank stare. Physically I was there, but mentally I wasn’t sure I was comprehending. It was only after 10 minutes and her repeatedly saying my name, that I got up and left the room.

This overwhelming feeling of sadness leaked outside of me. I abandoned my soul in her office, unhinged and disconnected. Outside looked as though mother nature heard the news and the clouds mourned with me. Or did they pity me? Was my story just like countless of other women? No, mine was much worse. I was sure of it. Losing my virginity to grown men at the age of eleven, hosting a party for a disease I wouldn’t know I had until many years later, damaging my insides permanently and not knowing until love found me and wanted to create a family with me. I had no idea how I was going to tell Anthony, but I had to. I wouldn’t blame him for leaving. For wanting a woman who could give him the blessing he wanted the most. Starting a family and creating a legacy was his dream. How could he be with a woman keeping him from that? All these feelings of shame,embarrassment and fear overwhelmed me. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me? What real women can’t have their own children? My mind went straight off the tracks.

I started to feel nauseous. I opened the door and threw up right in the parking lot. I slammed the door back, rubbed my sleeve across my mouth and drove off on auto pilot. My mind bombarded me with a very unpleasant memory. A woman once told me you aren’t a woman yet until you have your first child because women bear the responsibility of bringing life into the world. I couldn’t even do this one thing. I was dead inside. I pulled into my driveway and noticed Anthony wasn’t home yet. This is good, he won't see me in all my shame. Struggling to get out the car, all my paperwork from the appointment fell straight to the ground.

After finally making it inside, I let the garage down and just fell to the floor in tears. Then the begging started, the pleading with the Universe and then it turned to anger. My fingers started twitching and I needed to calm down. I went to take a shower and for what felt like forever, my body froze under the water. Zombie like, I wrapped myself in a towel, barely drying off, I went downstairs and stared out the window. My granny’s voice rang in my head telling me “your burden will be your testimony”. I sunk deeper into my thoughts, eyelids getting heavy, I dozed off on the ottoman in front of the window. The sound of the front door closing woke me from my slumber. Anthony was on the phone and my stomach started twisting in knots. He didn’t seem to be in a good mood, and his day was only about to get much worse.