Baby's Daddy

I remember the first time we met. You were at my brother Tony's jouse in Spring Valley with your brother Herold. I went to my brothers house that day to do my laundry. You were in the garage sitting with my brother drinking a beer and I think smoking weed but I could be wrong about that. You flirted a little. I didn’t think anything about it. Later after I got home Tony called me and said “You know Bobby and Herold that were at my place? They both think your pretty. Which one can I give your number to”. I giggled and asked what they said “Herold said you have big boobs and Bob asked if her could have your number”. I told Tony to grant Bobby’s request. It took you a few days but he called me. He asked me out on a date. At the time I had a 3 year old son and was a single mom. I told him I’d have to find a sitter so he offered to come to my house and bring dinner “you like pizza don’t you”. I said yes I do but my hips seemed to like it more. Lol.

As we got to know each other better we became a couple. You were an amazing kisser. God you could melt me with one kiss. After dating for about 5 weeks I found out I was 3 weeks pregnant with your child. I didn’t know how I told you and I honestly don’t remember. You were scared, only 27 years old and still in your partying stage you were not ready. After I found out about my pregnancy is when things started going downhill. By the time I was 6 months pregnant you left me. You said you didn’t think the baby was yours. I had an IUD in but it failed and you didn’t believe me. We had only been together for a short time before I found out I was pregnant and before you I was seeing someone. You claimed you thought it was Scott’s baby which angered me so much. We got pregnant when we had been together for 2 weeks. Scott had not been in the picture for over a month. The doctor did a sonogram and told me the exact date of conception and we had been intimate more then once that night. So you left and I was alone pregnant and with a 4 year old child. I hated you at that point and had decided never ever to give you a second chance. I would raise this child on my own and love the baby enough for both of us.

August 27, 1989 Mark Anthony Simkin 9 pounds 7 oz was born. He was immediately take to the NICU and was in critical condition. I will never forget after the recovery from the Csection being wheeled to my room. My mother was there. The first thing I said is “where is the baby. Why isn’t he here. I want to meet my child”. My mom looked at me and said now “Deanna I need you to remain calm, the baby had complications and has been admitted to the NICU” my heart started racing oh my god a mother’s worst nightmare!!! I got hysterical and demanded to be taken to the NICU. The nurse handed me a polorid camera of my big baby boy in a plastic bubble sleeping with all sorts of tubes coming in and out of him. He had swolled the amneotic fluid amd had an infection in his lungs. I wasn’t allowed to go to my child. They asked me to be patient as soon as he was out of danger or if he got worse they would then allow me to be with him. I went crazy NO TAKE ME TO HIM THIS INSTANCE!!! I started raising my voice until the nurse finally agreed to send the doctor in as it was the pediatricians decision. Over 2 hours of severe anxiety of the unknown the doctor came in then agreed to let me see him however he can not be take of the oxygen tank so I wouldn’t be able to hold him.

I was wheeled to the NICU had to wash my hands with the special soap. My mom was not allowed to go with me. I was wheeled in and next to my child. “Hello my little Big boy. Yes the name Mark suits you well. I’m your momma and I love you so much”. There is no more of an intense feeling of unconditional love then the first time you connect with your newborn baby. He was perfect in my eyes. I touched his little hands and feet. They were all there all his digets and WOW he looked exactly like his father. He had the chubbiest cheeks. I thought 4 of the 9 pounds you weigh is in your cheeks. After meeting my son I went back to my room to rest. Your Daddy called and said I heard you had the baby. I was bitter and said yes if you had come to the hospital when you were called you could have met him already. He asked when he could meet his son. I told him about the NICU and he should wait until Mark is safe. He was stunned “Mark? I thought we agreed on Robert Thomas Simkin V”. Are you fucking kidding me? He still expected me to name my son after him after he claimed the child not his accused me of cheating on him and left me alone during the hardest months of my pregnancy? “Bob after what you did your lucky he has the name Simkin”.

Day 3 it’s time for me to leave the hospital but not my baby Mark. He had to stay. I was devestated. I refused to leave the hospital. I was willing to sit next to him 24/7 until he was ready to come home. The said that is against the rules but I was welcome to rent out an unused room. I was so poor there was no way I could afford that. I went home without my baby only to return the very next morning. Bob showed up at the hospital to meet the baby. He took one look at Mark and said “Oh my god he is definitely my son. I am so sorry. Look at him he looks just like me” I rolled my eyes with a NO SHIT attitude. Mark was able to come home on day 5 with an IV attached and a home nurse was assigned to come out twice a day to administer his antibiotics in his I V.

Bob started coming around. His birthday was in September. He asked me out on a date for his birthday. I don’t know why I accepted. Maybe because he was cute and we had a child together or maybe just because I was a single mom with two children and no help I needed a break. I got a sitter and we went to Dirks bar in Lemon Grove. I don’t remember much because I was so shit faced. All I know is I woke up the next morning to a crying baby amd road rash on the back of my legs. Apparently when he brought me home and I went to jump out of his truck I fell on my ass and scraped up my legs pretty good. It was worth it I had an amazing time.

Bob wanted us to get back together but I was undecided. I didn’t feel I should be in a relationship just because we had a baby it had to be for real reasons and I wasn’t there yet. A few months went by. Bob came and went. Never changed a diaper or offered to feed the baby a bottle of breast milk since I was mostly breast feeding. I believe he was scared of breaking the baby. Ha ha men can be so ridiculous.

Bob had met someone else and asked me to make a decision because if we were not going to be together then he wanted to peruse this other lady. I told him I can’t seem to forgive him amd to go and Persue her and see where it goes. When Mark was about 7 months old he met his dads new girlfriend. Of corset I automatically didn’t like her. She was 6ft tall and big bones amd chunky with tattoos and piercings. However after getting to know her we became friends. Charlotte loved my son and finally I got a break. Bob started offering to take Mark for a few hours here and there. As long as Charlotte was with him to take care of the baby.

As the years past Mark we three now and I was about to have major surgery. Gastric bypass surgery. The old one when they actually stapled your stomachs. I was 419 pounds and needed to do something drastic. Bob and Charlotte kept Mark for 2 weeks so I could heal. My ex husband took Johnathan for the two weeks as well. Bob was always there whenever I needed him or anything for the baby. He always paid his child support and provided for his son. He was consistent and he was trying

He and Charlotte were over and he wanted us to give it a try but this time I was in a different relationship. As the years past he would pick up Mark for a few hours at least once a month. Mark was getting to know who his Daddy was. However I always thought it awkward when Mark would try to hug his dad Bob would just pay him on his back. Bob learned from his dad whom was not very affectionate.

In 2003 my grandmother had passed away. I was single and so distraught my grandma was everything to me. The one positive I had in my family. She became my guardian angel after she passed away. Bob came to my house to stay with me for a few days because I couldn’t hold it together I was so filled with grief. One night we had a few drinks. I had a few too many and we ended up having sex together and didn’t even speak of it the next day.

A few weeks went by and I realized I was late! OMFG!!! I took 3 tests they were all positive. Holy shit I am pregnant again. I called Bob and he said this time it’s going to be the girl you always wanted. It will be a gift from your grandmother. She knew how badly you wanted a baby girl someday. He also told me that he loved me and since we were about to have two children together could we make this work and become a real family. So sweet however I was not IN LOVE with him and felt it was wrong to be with him just because we had children together. He also informed me I needed to make my decison because he had met someone else but would rather work on a family with me. I gave him my blessing to pursue the other woman.

Her name was Gina. His new girlfriend. I didn’t like her at first. She was rude crude and a total redneck. She had 2 very unruly children and I felt they moved to fast. Within weeks they were living together.

One day I was on the phone with Bob. Honestly I don’t know what we were arguing about but it was a bad argument. I believe I called him to tell him about my dr appointment and he brought up child support. And wanting a paternity test for our son. This angered me!! I told him not to worry about child support. Give up your parental rights and you won’t pay a dime and you won’t be in the baby’s life either. Ofcorse I didn’t mean it. Why do men get to play the game, and walk away and leave the woman to raise and support the child that wouldn’t be there if he had used a condem. Wow I can’t believe I just said that I’m the one that didn’t want a relationship with him and I told him to move forward. All of a sudden Gina grabbed the phone from Bob and said to me “Nobody wants your little bastard you should just have an abortion.” I was almost 6 months pregnant and she is telling me to have an abortion. I was completely overwhelmed by her words. I told her I’d I ever saw her in person pregnant or not I was going to kick her ass. How could she tell me to kill the child that is growing, moving, thriving inside me? How cruel of her. I did not deserve that at all. I hung up and blocked the number so they couldn’t call me back.

The next time I spoke to Bob was to tell him I started a relationship with someone and even though it’s so soon he asked me to marry him and I said yes. We want to get married before the baby is born so that he can adopt the baby. Bob would have to give up his parental rights. The child would be legally my fiancé’s child. It’s easier to go through with an adoption of this type if your married to the man adopting the child. I explained Bob would never be asked to participate in her life nor would he ever have to pay one dime of child support. He happily accepted my proposal.

I had a baby girl. Lillianna Rose Micholson 6lbs 7oz. She was perfect and such a beautiful baby. I remember the nurse asked me what I named her and I told her “Lillianna Rose” she looked as if a bulb had appeared over her head and said “What a beautiful name Lilli And A Rose” and pointed to the vase of flowers I had that was filled with Roses and Lillies. Oh wow I didn’t plan it that way but yes she is a perfect bouquet! Bob didn’t call or ask about her after she was born. He was still with Gina. After bringing Lilli home she was about 3 months old and I received a letter from Gina apologizing for telling me to abort my child. For the sake of peace as Bonn and I did coparent our son Mark I accepted her apology. She turned out to be not such a bad person. Later after they broke up her and I resumed a friendship.

I married Tim and he legally adopted Lillianna. I don’t know that I was ever really IN LOVE with Tim but he was a good dad who raised Lillianna has his own. We were married for 10 years before I left him and moved out with the children. By this Tim and I had had a baby boy so I now had 4 children.

At age 7 Bob asked if he could meet Lilli he wanted a relationship with her and regretted his decision to give her up. Tim was 199% against allowing her to get to know her biological father but it was out of selfishness and his constant insecurity that he was against them getting to know each other and is telling Lillianna the truth.

I agreed to allow supervised visits as I strongly felt no child could have too much love and Lilli was special she would have two dads.

I will always remember the first time I was babysitting at a neighbors house when Bob showed up. The parents were supposed to have been back by now but agreed to allow the interaction while I was babysitting. Bob came in and sat down at the table with lilli. I explained as best I could that she had two dads. That Papa Bob was her real fathwr and Daddy (Tim) choose to make her his child and that made her special to have two men that wanted to love protect and support her. She totally got it and said “I always wondered why when he brought Marky presents he brought me presents PO but not Samuel (my youngest child) then she asked “Do you have any presents for me today”. He told her no but he would love to sit down and color with her. They sat there and talked and co-colored a few pages in the coloring book. It was a success. Tim was jealous and angry that I didn’t let him detour me from them meeting. Bob asked if could take Lilli to a movie or something maybe ice cream. I told him no I wouldn’t allow her to go anywhere alone with any man this soon. She needed to get to know him and trust him. After a few more visits i told him I was that Lilli could go out with him when he picked up Mark for a visit but never alone, just Lilli. I also told him it couldn’t be every time because I didn’t want Mark to resent her for taking his Dad’s attention away from him. Mark only has one Dad and needs to know that your bond will not be broken with Lilliana’s attendance to an outing. He agreed. Lilli learned to love him but still wasn’t completely comfortable with him.

After I left Tim Bob started to come around. Actually come into my home to pick up the kids and interact with me. I invited him over to pizza night one time. After the movie and dinner the kids went to bed and said good night. When I came back into the living room after tucking the kids in I was suprised Bob was still there. I was standing in the hallway unbeknownst To me that I was directly under the mistletoe. Bob said he would be going and walked up to me for what I thought was a hug but instead he looked me in the eyes and I could tell he was nervous as hell! He looked up and said “are you standing here on purpose?” I looked up and said oh no I didn’t every know I was under it, next thing I knew he planted the hottest kiss I had ever received In my life. After the kiss he looked at me and said “I have loved you for the past 16 years and now you are single and I am single. Would you like to go out with me dinner next week?” I blushed the kiss had me a bit hot and bothered and I was still trying to recover and I said I would love to go out on a date with him. Next thing I know I went from Tim’s wife to Bob’s girlfriend.

I truly fell in love with him this time. He had matured was much better in bed and was self supporting. There was only one problem Bob worked 12 hours a day 5 to 6 days a week. He drove a tow truck for a living and couldn’t talk on the phone while at work. I was feeling lonely and was only getting to talk to my boyfriend 5 min a day at best. I would go to his place on the weekends or he would come to mine. Bob was the best thing in my life when he had time for me. I was going through a lot at that time as my daughter had just opened up to me that she had been molested by my son Mark’s best friend whom was 7 years older then her. It had happened 2 years prior to her telling me. I did everything I could to help her recover from that trauma. I had her in therapy filed charges against the young man for his crime. I was completely triggered by her announcement of all the sexual abuse I had endured as a child. Bob was amazing. The first and only man that let me talk about it cry about it and did exactly what I needed him to do. Talk to me hold me and remind me I was safe now. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that time in my life without his enduring support. He really took care of me and helped me through it all. The main problem was he kept telling me he would find a new job working normal 40 he’s a week. I gave him time to do this but his own insecurities and fear of change stopped him. He never looked down employment. And I was still his 5 min a day girlfriend.

My daughter was jealous. She wanted her Dad for her self. Since Bob and I started dating again he spent less individual time with the kids and Lilli resented it as Tim her Daddy was not there for her. He basically abandoned the children when I left him and lilli took it personally. She said to me one day “Whenever Dad comes over I feel like I am on a date with you two. He doesn’t pay attention to anyone but you”. That’s what pushed me to end it with Bob. The kids needed him more then I did. He was very upset when I left him. He wanted to make it work but I still ended it as it wasn’t working for me with all his hours and it wasn’t working for the children as they needed him more then I did. I was also feeling like after 10 years of marriage I went from married to girlfriend and never took any time to find out who I am. I told Bob I did love him but the timing wasn’t now for our love story. Perhaps we would be a couple once again but I needed to get out and have fun find myself date others and figure out what I want and what is in the best interest of my kids.

We never ended up back together as a few months and lots of dating I found the man I would spend the rest of my Life with amd am currently married to. And now Bob is gone we will never have our ultimate love story. He loves me till the day he died. When I was dating my current husband and we were broken up Bob often would ask me out sometime. He never stopped pursing me until I married Ric. Then he became a bit bitter twoard me but we still coparented well together.

Bob I am sorry i didn’t make time for us and let us find our way. I don’t know what could have been or what should have been but I do know that you deserved better then me and I will always love you and hold our time together in my heart. Please watch over the kids they need you in spirit as much as they needed you in life. You are free from the suffering here on earth you are home now watching over your loved ones. I never meant to hurt you I only wanted happiness for you. I’m sorry I was not your happy. You will be mourned and grieved and I will help our children get through their loss and pain with happy memories of you. Thank you for being a part of my life as knowing you only enchanced my life and made me a better person.

Rest In Peace my love and friend.

Deanna