Baby Crazy Baby

You get to a certain point in your life where you see the world in terms of certain inevitabilities. Everyone knows the age-old proverbs around death and taxes, just as all mothers who’ve popped out a kid or two know what’s coming for them in social situations. Whether it’s catching up with old friends or joining your extended family in one of those annual holiday reunions or awkward lunch dates with colleagues and acquaintances, you can just about guarantee at least one person is going to utter those five little words when the thought of children crosses their mind, “Are you having any more?”

I know it, I accept it and I always have the same stock standard answer prepared. It’s not often I’m surprised by this topic, so it doesn’t take a lot out of the mental or emotional banks to address the issue and move on. Something I didn’t see coming, however, was the question asked by my daughter’s day-care, “Do you know Ember wants a baby?”

For a moment it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me and the only way I could respond was with a brief, non-committal, “Mhmm.”

“She would make an excellent big sister.” The woman continued, “Always taking care of the little ones and saying she loves them.”

Again, the heavily non-committal, “Mhmm.”

I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Here’s the thing you need to know. I am fully aware of how baby crazy my youngest baby is. Ever since she turned 4 and her sister shipped off to primary school she has taken a special interest in all of the babies in her life...and those not really in her life.

After all, this is the kid who will walk up to complete strangers at the park, in restaurants, at the zoo, and say to their child, “Hello baby. My name’s Ember. I love you!” (Thank god she’s cute)

What I didn’t realise was she was going to start bringing in reinforcements.

Politely, but with as few words as I could manage, I ended the wildly uncomfortable conversation and guided my darling daughter away from the school. On the way home all the recent memories of my youngest princess asking for a baby in a million different ways played over in my mind.

‘All children play with dolls’, I thought when she practiced changing nappies on every toy in the house.

She would talk to them as she went along and performed every step perfectly. This kid was better at it than I was when I had her older sister. Ember started tucking her toys in at night, in cots and bed she made for them. Every single one needed to be safe and comfortable. She took them for walks in the toy pram, fed them in the old high chair, bathed them, cuddled them, and always, always told them how special and loved they were. Every now and again while playing pretend in this way, she would look up at me with those twinkling eyes and I knew what she was asking. She is the only one who breaks my heart when she asks, even when the question isn’t spoken out loud.

‘Ember is just a compassionate kid’, I thought when she hugged our friends’ babies and those at her little school.

When a little one is in need she is always the first one there, to save them or comfort them. She was still quite little herself when she caught a television a younger child had somehow pulled over and, with the help of her sister, held it in place until they were able to alert the adults in the next room. Every time there was a tiny spider or another creepy-crawly creeping around outside where a little one was, she called for help while ushering the toddler away. Whenever there was a bruised knee, or grazed elbow, or just desire to be held that made an infant cry, she would sing and dance and pet the baby, always accompanied by the gentle words, “I love you. It’s all going to be ok.”

‘It’s just a phase’, I thought when she asked me outright.

I’ll never forget the strange contradiction of the innocence and determination in her eyes as she stared deep into my eyes and asked, “Mummy, when are we getting a baby?”

This kid was good. She started strong with all the negotiation tactics in place. There was no ‘can’ to this question, it was a ‘when’, as though bringing another baby into our family wasn’t simply a ‘what if’ but a certainty. Her desire to become a big sister outweighed any sense of doubt in her mind about whether or not her dream would actually come to pass.

I thought all of these things, but as memories ran through my mind again on this five minute car trip home, I knew it was more than that. It was a heartfelt longing for one littler than herself to care for. Someone she could teach, protect and love. Someone who would love her unconditionally and look up to her always, as she looked up to her own big sister.

We soon arrived home and as she ran inside, looking back at me for just a moment with that all too familiar smile, I knew how much I would love to see her wish come true. After all, it’s been playing on my mind just as much as hers this last year. It’s right around the time we thought we might try again, but life isn’t always that simple. A lot has changed since we had that thought, in our home and in the world. Enough, perhaps, that this chance may pass us by.

So, all I can say my little one is that you and your sister are my greatest treasures and my heart is filled with gratitude for all that I have in you both.

I love you, I’m proud of you, and I feel it too.