As told by: A Resentful Housewife

I didn't like him at first but everybody else did and thought i was lucky. Tracey was light skinned, tall, masculine and handsome--you know, the more rugged Smokey Robinson look. My fast tail sister always wondered if his big feet and hands lived up to the hype. Things sort of started when me and my sister went on a double date with the two; Tracey and Chuck. My sister Delpha was mad because she didn't like how black and skinny, he was, to her he looked too much like a country bumpkin. My sister was into those Native American looking men we both were actually we both had a crush on an Indian boy, whose family we met in Georgia visiting our grandma. With all that happening she was kind of mopey and walked around with a stank attitude that evening.

We aint have no money so we decided to hang out at The Help's lake. It was called The Help's Lake because an overwhelmed nanny and housewife drowned herself, some said it was haunted but we never saw anything. I was a little excited to be there because I was into stuff like that. We get to the lake and the evening was rolling in and the South Carolina heat waves turned into cool winds and the sunset looked as if God himself painted the sky, I was more excited about the scenery and the fact that me and Tracy were gonna have sex like I promised. I wasn't like boy crazy like other women at my time, I just saw men the way they saw us.

My sister Delpha and her date Chuck split up and so did Tracey and I. We romantically walked alongside the lake for a while, taking in the vibes. Tracy was a little boring, the silent strong type which I liked, and we just felt each other. He was silent and I was an empath. He asked me about school since Tracy dropped out. I started to get excited talking to him about college, and how happy I was that I may go to the big city for school. I wanted to be a writer or a fashion desginer since i worked part-time at a small boutique. It was always slow but I liked putting together little dresses and displaying them in the windows.

I was going on and on about my future endeavors i didn't think about Tracy. I looked over at him and he was sort of smiling and giggling while rolling around a little rock in his thick and big hands. "what's so funny boy?" i asked him. He chuckled again but didn't get into details. I felt like he thought i was dreaming too big, which I was for a black woman at the time. I asked Tracy when he was going back to school, he chuckled again. This time i started getting annoyed i felt like he was condescending. I'm pretty good at reading people but this man was hard. I like the manly types, but they always act like they too good to talk or have dreams.

"I just want to be here" he said, and it always stuck with me. Tracy then just rips off the band-aid. Tracy told me he really liked me. He liked me for a while, which I thought was suspicious because he was always comparing me to my sister, my sister had supple and high breasts and nice thighs and romantic eyes, we looked alike, but I was flat chested and uninterested. People always used to say I was weird even my mom, I always had interests in other things like stories, the world outside South Carolina and men that seemed hard to pull. And I hated church. Tracey then told me that he wanted to finish what ended abruptly. I had totally forgot Tracy's mother left him and his father, she started a new life with a man she met for only a month and then she died a year later in a freak accident I still don't know the cause.

Tracy's father was ill, he could no longer walk and losing his vision. It could've been all the whisky and spirits over the years. I always felt like I was a good distraction for Tracy since all he did was work all day and come home. I always feared being a man's distraction. Tracy then tells me that he wants to marry me after i graduate high school. I stopped at my tracks and looked at him like he had two heads. He looked shocked and tried to sell me his plan. He told me that he wants to move to Connecticut. I've never heard of Connecticut that name sounds so strange. I was resistant the whole time, I just thought it was strange that he brings this up to me two months before graduation. I didn't like he was sort of planning his and my life without me knowing. "Yeah--you'll be taken care of" he said, another things he said that stood out to me.

I asked him if he thinks I can't take care of myself, Tracy rolled his eyes and got frustrated. "why are you being so weird?" he said. Tracy didn't need to say anything else. I was used to being called weird by my mama and aunts but hearing it from someone else boiled me a little bit.

A CHAIN OF EVENTS

I woke up that morning with my clothes on from the other night still on and the smell of bacon and eggs cooking. I sprang up when I remember that mail came that day, I darted my skinny tail down the stairs and looked at the mail and I didn't get anything. I was expecting to get a letter from NYU. I shuffled through the enevlopes looking for my name and NYU both attached. I did see a letter from my aunt in Georgia, we havent seen her in a while so I knew she wanted something. She was one those family members that showed up sometimes, but made her presence known when she really wanted something. I shuffled through the enevolpes again hoping I missed something but i didn't. I remember telling my mama to make sure she sent the application out while I was at school. After shuffling through the envelopes I looked up into the kitchen and noticed my mama's eyes dart quickly back to the stove after she noticed i looked at her, then she started whistling.

I started getting nervous but i had to watch myself to make sure i didn't look like i was confronting her, besides the school is probably taking longer to reach out right? I decided to let it go and when i get inside i hand mama the letter. "set the table" she demanded "Delpha!" she yelled. Delpha always woke up later than everyone else. Delpha sloppily walked downstairs with her bonnet still on and yawning. After mama set the eggs and bacon on our plates she took a look at the letter from Aunty. Delpha and I watched ma read the letter. She threw it in the garbage.

While at school Miss Dalton's class was filled with the students from Mr. Brown's class because Mr. Brown's class was hot as hell and Miss Dalton's class had a fan and bigger windows, during those last months we sort of did light work because Miss Dalton's old self was finally retiring. Me and Delpha sat together, and she asked me about Tracy. She seemed like she really wanted to know too, she usually goes on and on about some guy or something she did, now it was all about me. I told her about Tracy's roundabout way of asking for my hand in marriage. Delpha gasped and pointed on our friend Linda's shoulder to tell. I was nervous and told her to shut up. Linda was shocked and happy too. I didn't want to ruin the jovial moment so I just decided to act happy and go along with the excitment. Linda's talkitive self quickly shifted her focus to her other friend.

Delpha wasn't having it. She knew i was faking it, I explained to her that i wasn't even that excited. Delpha had that same look on her face that Tracy had, like i was crazy. "Why you being weird?" she asked, there goes that weird word getting thrown around. I was frustrated because no one was seeing my point of view, I thought Delpha would understand. "don't tell mama" I said. Miss Dalton had us do silent reading until the next class. My book was open but I was in my head about everything. I decided to think of myself as a young 18 19-year-old wife, I was scared.

I know it's a cliche this day in age to be an independent woman married to her career and a bachelor to love and commitment, but there was no appeal in marriage for me. It didn't look appealing to me either, I always blamed my love for freedom to be the reason why I was scared to get married but it was really what I saw. My mama was married when she was young too, 17-years-old. My mama got pregnant with me, mama and aunty frantically set up a shotgun wedding. Herbert (my father) showed up late with his ugly mean ass mama and raggedy sister late. Like who does that? rumor in the family has it that his mama was trying to convince Herbert to leave mama, but he decided to run with it.

Herbert convinced mama to move from Georgia to South Carolina, he promised to build her a house and a life--well he built her a house. Mama was pregnant with Delpha and so was the shady chick from across town, i forgot her name. I remember that bitch would show up to our house while Herbert was at work and say some of the most awful things, calling my mama fat and that she looked like a Pitbull and that Herbert is a better match for her. My mama was a stoic woman so you couldn't see how she was feeling but she was witty and she would always throw it back at that woman's face that she was married.

After our half-brother we never met was born, dad left for a year when I was six years old. He came back and told mama he wanted a divorce and that he was marrying that lady. I remember that day like it was yesterday, Herbert drove off in his old beat of pick-up truck and drove off with that lady in the car holding my half-brother that had the same wavy little hairs Herbert had. That was the last time i saw my "dad" Herbert and my half-brother. It sounds sad to say but, I didn't want to be like my mama or my aunties who also had bad marriages.

After school I had to go to work at the boutique. When I got there Dotty was crying and there was another woman standing in front of her wearing a beautfil coral dress, with shiny pearls and a plunging neckline. It was the owner's daughter telling us that she passed away the other night of a stroke. I was shocked because even though she was old, she was active and hopeful, she explained to us that as of at the moment the shop was closed and she's selling it. Her daughter was unnecessarily rude to me and told me to just go home and that she mail my last check. I guess that was that.

Girl, when I got back home Tracy was on my porch talking to my mama. All my blackness flushed from my body and my feet turned numb. "Hey baby" mama says I walked up to the porch "Lilly" Tracy says. Remember when i said i was an empath and i could feel Tracy? I felt Tracy going from quiet and kind to being manipulative and sneaky. It was bad enough that Tracy tried to plan my life without telling me, but it was worse when he went to my mama. "Tracy was telling me about Connecticut" mama said my heart started beating again and I kneeled on the railing. "Why you looking like that Lilly?" Mama said, i was all sweaty and my roller set was all puffy and messed up. "He got a new job" Mama added, Tracy told me he wanted to move me to Connecticut but I didn't get why he was going there. "construction work" Tracy added.

I had no filter and sort of just went of the first thing i felt "so?" I said mama looked at me like i lost my rabbit ass mind. "why you got that stank little attitude?" she said with her hands on her hips. I quickly realized that Tracy probably didn't tell mama he wanted to marry me. "sorry i just got fired my job, miss Joyce died" I quickly said hoping that would calm the fire in my mama. "Dang how'd she go?" she asked "stroke" I said. "Well God bless her" mama added. Mama asked Tracy about his dad, Tracy looked at me and explained that his illness is getting worse that he may not live long.

Mama and Tracy trauma bonded over their dying fathers. Mama told a little fib that my grandfather died of a mysterious illness right in the middle of the great depression. My grandfather commited suicide at his old job that was shutdown. My grandmother was left with five children and my mama being the oldest had to raise them. I let her talk to Tracy about that lie but mama didn't know i knew the truth and that grandma told me everything back in Georgia. That was our family hiding the truth and embellishing our trauma so it could be easier for strangers to swallow.

I thought the coast was clear on the subject of marriage, but then Tracy did exactly what i feared. He told mama his plans with me! I remember for the first time in a long time my eyes started swelling up with tears. I tired to swallow them and I did a good job. My mama being hard to read just looked at me and looked at Tracy. "What she say?" mama asked. Both mama and Tracy looked at me for an answer. Tracy tried to break the ice and said that I wasn't sure. Which was true. Mama smacked her teeth and rolled her eyes "yeah, she still waiting on that letter from New York" she said "what was it called?" she asked acting like she forgot the name "NYU" i said confidently "oh yeah, right" she said.

Mama was laying it thick on me saying that college is too much money and that I can't make up my mind anyway. She accused me of trying to do white girl stuff and that i read too many of white girl's fantasies. Maybe she had a point because I didn't know any women in my family that had big dreams. "They don't want us in schools anyway" Tracy added making it worse. I always knew mama thought that anything that I liked or wanted was weird, but i didn't know she felt so strongly about it. Tracy already told me without telling me that he thought my idea was stupid, so I wasn't hurt, but I was sad my mama didn't want me to go to school. I had a friend that's parents worked two jobs to make sure she could go to school, and they supported her dreams for nursing, why couldn't my mama be like that.

I started boiling up and said something terrible. I told her that college is better than being poor with children. Tracy started nervously straching behind his neck and mama just looked at me. I said what I said and even to this day I don't regret what i said. I was excepting her to slap me like she did Delpha when she talked out the side of her neck. She didn't, she glared at me and walked back in the house. I wasn't wrong for how I felt, and Delpha felt the same way too when i asked her later. Delpha was shocked that i said something like that her.

MOVING ON

It was August and I had already graduated from High school and i decided to continue seriously dating Tracy. Tracy turned down the job in Connecticut and continued working in South Carolina so he could save up money. Tracy decided to buy a car with his savings, His father passed away, so poor Tracy lived by himself. Mama got a new job cleaning Mr. Clark's house and a white lady's house who lived 2o minutes away. It was a win-win for mama because Mr. Clark let mama drive his car to her other job, since he was old and couldn't drive anyway. That meant mama wasn't home often and it was just me . I remember I had Dusty Springfield's records on repeat in my room. She was blue-eyed soul but I guess it was still white girl shit, yeah i was still into white girl stuff.

Delpha was pregnant and engaged to Chuck, Chuck was nice, so I was happy for her. Delpha moved into an apartment out of town with Chuck. Things was moving fast it used to be me and Delpha in our room, sneaking out, telling stories and staying up all night, to it just being me and my own thoughts. I was a little sad, but I enjoyed having Tracy in my room with no interruptions. I was writing in my journal about how nervous and excited I was about my new life in the city once I got accepted, I know it sounds like i was putting too many eggs in once basket but you couldn't tell me anything. Right as i was done with my last thought something was telling me to look for something.

I tried to ignore that feeling but it was strong. I quickly got up and followed my Spidey senses to my mama's room. I went to mama's neat room and oddly stuck out my hand and asked God to guide my hand in the direction I need to be in. My silly self actually closed my eyes and turned around three times, I opened my eyes and my skinny hands was in the direction of my mama's dresser. I was nervous, I didn't think i was gonna find anything personal because my mama was not a romantic woman. Nightstands are just so personal to me. But i had to answer the call. I opened up the dresser and there were lots of communication between my mama and aunty. I found the recent letter from aunty.

The letter read that my grandmother was in bad health and that she was living alone. The house aunty and mama grew up in was falling apart literally, the ceiling in the bathroom fell apart while my grandmother was sleeping. Aunty detailed in the letter that when she showed up to visit grandma, she smelled bad and peed on herself. My heart sunk to my stomach with sorrow, I didn't really know my grandmother all that well, but I know she went through alot raising five children and being a widow. Aunty was begging mama to let grandma live with us because auntie's mother-in-law was staying at her house and her husband already said no. A small little tear shed and imagined my mama being alone.

I shuffled through the letter and found my application to NYU. I felt a sharp pain in my stomach like someone actually stabbed me. I took a good look at the date June 15th 1967 the day I told my mama to mail the application. Mama was very straightforward about how she felt about my white girl dreams, but I didn't think she would try to stop me, my whole world changed and started to cry. I wiped the tears off my cheeks and put two and two together. The letter from my aunty begging my mama to take care of my grandma and my application was next to each other. I came up with a theory that mama didn't wanna be alone with grandma so she sabotaged me. or maybe she just sabotaged me.

I called Delpha and told her everything. She was as shocked and angry as i was. " I can't believe she would do something so foul like that, God looking down on her and frowning since she like being up in that church acting so holy!" she said. I vented to my sister asking her what i was going to do, I had everything betted on NYU. I thought about how I was going to confront mama or if i should confront mama at all. Mama would know that i was randomly snooping around her stuff. After taking to Delpha, I started to get hot and breath heavy, I looked up at the popcorn ceiling and ask why and what I was going to do.

I looked around further in the night stand and found a picture of Herbert. Delpha and I had his eyes and round face. He had this mischif and danger in his eyes, he might of been a charming man in his day. Maybe the picture of my foul ass daddy possed mama to do something terrible. Right at that moment and I remember the day, August 11th on a Wednesday my life changed and i gave up on myself. I started thinking about what my mama and Tracy were saying. I thought maybe they were right about me going to college white girls had an advantage over me, so maybe this was a sign from God to move on from this dream and this thought.

I started thinking about how all the girls in town thought i was lucky to be with Tracy. I thought to myself that Tracy was the only man to take me serious and maybe I was acting like a brat for being so annoyed about the whole Connecticut thing. At the spur of the moment of pure betrayal, sadness and rage I decided that i should marry Tracy and move to Connecticut. I felt myself getting tired so i went in my room for nap.

I woke up in the afternoon and my mama was in the living room in front of the TV still in her housekeeping uniform. The grit in me just went downstairs and asked her flat out if she ever mailed that letter to New York. She instantly lashed out "stop bothering me about that damn letter!" she said "call the school, they probably just didn't except you!" I never said a word about knowing what my momma did.

HELL

Fast forward Tracy and I got married on his birthday October 20th bad things started happening real fast, it was a shit show because Tracy was fired from his job for flirting with his boss's wife and rubbing it in his face. My mama had to work triple double and so did my sister to help pay and cover the holidays. I was so fed up with Tracy that i moved back to South Carolina for a while with my sister and her son. Girl, I even got into a little spat with my sister's sister-in-law for making comments about my nephew's appearance (Listen is a baby is ugly you say it once and keep it moving) Tracy sorry yellow ass traveled to South Carolina to beg me to come back and even told me that if i come back he'll work double so i could go to the Community College. I fell for it.

To think that months prior I was a dreamer with hopes and head in the clouds with twinkle in my eyes to being an 18-year-old housewife, something I never thought would happen to me. I always made sure that I would have my own autonomy but my mama hurt my feelings so bad that in a way, i sort of just did what she wanted. I remember when I was driving thorugh West Haven I was listening to the radio about cults. He said something that i thought i was meant to hear. He said that you'll be less likely to join or accidently get involved in a cult if you actually admitted to yourself that you can be manipulated.

I thought about myself back in South Carolina and how sure i was that life would turn out my way and that the women in my family were just making bad descions for themselves. Now look at me? was i in a cult? did i just get manipulated into doing something i thought wouldn't happen to me. Was i getting Karma for looking down at my aunts and mama? no way. well--i guess yes way. I had already regretted my descion to marry Tracy and i didn't like my life in Connecticut. Tracy was getting tired of me locking myself in the room and writing in my journal, he always felt lonely and disconnected from me. When I thought about it we were never a match, Tracy was a lonely boy looking for an escape from his old life and I was too ambitious.

It was the late 70's my daughter Harmony was a toddler and I dropped out of community college because of complications with my pregnancy. During my pregnancy at the dinner table Tracy admitted that he went on a date with his friend Lynn. I've met her before she was pretty and a little curvy. She dressed nice and wore dark mascara that gave her an edgy look. I thought to myself if that's what he grew to like, since we were young and we needed some way to explore our options. I wasn't mad because I was emotionally disconnected from Tracy anyways. What made me upset was that Lynn still kept showing up to our house.

I applied to nursing school so I could have something for myself. I set it up with the neighbor that i would pay her to babysit Harmony, it would've worked great since she loved kids and Harmony really liked her and her black cat Trixie. I never truly had a connection to Tracy, but his friend Lynn was making me jealous. Lynn was older than me, only 30 at the time but she was already an office manager for a factory. Lynn had her own car and could come and go as she pleased. Lynn never actually really talked to me either, she would come over our house say hi to me and play spades with Tracy. Tracy seemed to glow and laugh with Lynn and he even did little Elvis impressions in front of her. He would do these little pelvis thrusts and sing romantic songs to her. When i asked him about it, he told me he was playing and he was like that with everyone.

For all the years I've known Tracy he aint never do no shucking and jiving in front of people, especially no girl. I admit that Lynn was making me jealous and Tracy was making me jealous too. I was jealous of Lynn because she seemed to be acomlished in her career and life. I was jealous of Tracy because he was happy. Not jealous because Lynn made Tracy happy, but because Tracy was happy with something he had and I was not. It sounds bad but my daughter was not even making me that happy. Harmony was a pretty little giggly girl but she was---a baby. She cried and pooped alot, that's who i am and thats who i was matter of fact, I couldn't pretend to be happy because i wasnt.

I didn't have a lot of friends, my friends were my journals and pens. By that time my sister had another two more sons! she was happy she always told me that she wanted to make our family legacy longer. I didn't care about the family legacy because i always felt like our family was cursed. I started to even think that maybe that little native boy I had a crush on from Georgia probably put a hex on me, I forgot to mention i kicked his ankle real bad while rough housing with him and his sister. His momma was mad at me too. Maybe that lady that had Herbert's baby put a hex on us. either way my life felt like a never ending curse.

I decided not to pursue nursing school because i didn't want Lynn to come around anymore. I decided to put more effort into writing and my daughter. I have realized that Harmony and I didn't bond the way we should have. Harmony didn't ask to be on this earth and i didn't want her to feel like how my mama made me feel, like she just did her job already and she wanted me out of her hair. I decided that I was going to support Harmony's dream little, medium, big or delusional. I thought that breaking the Howard family curse was being this creative whip smart city girl but i had to find a new angle.

I was home more often writing more short stories and poems. Harmony was my little buddy and my sister and I planned on visiting each other. I hadn't spoke to my mama in a long time but Delpha did. Delpha told me that mama had Diabetes and was having a hard time managing it. She also told me that mama was proud of me for getting married to Tracy and having a family unit. When i think about it now, it sounds toxic but then i was happy that my mama thought i was doing something right. Delpha also admitted that she told mama about the application to NYU and how upset i was. I wasn't mad, mama knew she did something wrong and it would come out either way.

Lynn came around the house less and Tracy started leaving more. He always maintained that they only went dancing and to her brother's house to play cards. I asked him one night if I could join them and him being passive aggressive asked me how was Harmony going to be taken care of last minute. I caught his drift so i stopped asking and let him be. THAT TIME. One fall 1977, Tracy was playing cards at Lynn's brother's house again like most Sunday nights. I had already set up for the neighbor to watch Harmony i paid her extra to spend the night since those games didn't end until four in the morning. I called a taxi and went straight to Lynn's brother's house. Without Tracy knowing I was coming.

I showed up to the house that was across town in a cul-de-sac neighborhood. It was 9:30pm and the games were beginning literally. I was relived to notice that there was a game actually going on. Music playing and people laughing. I knocked on the door real loud and me and Lynn, out of all people made eye contact through the window, she looked confused. Lynn answered the door and gave me that high pitched "hi" damn Lynn was looking really good too, she had on a halter top maxi dress and platforms something that I would never wear mainly since I didn't have time to buy new clothes. "Tracy it's Lillie!" Lynn called out for Tracy. Lynn didn't even let me in at first but she did when she realized i wasn't leaving or dropping off something.

Tracy looked shocked that i was there and everyone was looking at me. "you all know my wife Lille!" Tracy loudly introduced me to everybody. Tracy was like a brand new man around Lynn and her friends. Tracy introuduced me to Lynn's brother Stilson. He was cute, medium build and long hair he reminded me of that native American boy back in Georgia i started cheesing really wide. Then Stilson introduced me to his wife Gwen. Damn.

It was a fun night actually, I learned how to play spades and drunk alot. Tracy and i actually was having fun together and telling jokes about our old lives in South Carolina and how we were real country bumpkins.

COLD WORLD

Right in the midst of our fun disco, beer and card filled night, there was a loud knock at the door. "damn who is that the cops?!" one guy joked. Lynn looks out the window and eagerly hops off the cough and answers the door. A handsome darkskin man with a bright smile walks through the door and Lynn introduces him as her boyfriend Ray. I felt relieved but I looked at the disappointment in Tracy's face. Ray introduced himself to everyone and Tracy. The night was still young, and the fun was slowing down for Tracy and I. Tracy removed himself from the cards table and started drinking beers alone on the couch watching Lynn and Ray dance and laugh.

His eyes looked like he was missing out on something. He looked truely sad, I've never seen Tracy sad just neutral or maybe a little annoyed. I felt my heart sink and everything around me didn't matter. I felt offended, how dare Tracy feel the way he felt, he was sad as if he made some sort of sacrifice. Little did Tracy know that little moment of loss was how I've been feeling for years since the move. I did everything Tracy wanted me to do, uproot my whole life and support his little career in this weird state of Connecticut. Tracy just went through a break up right in front of me and it was really hurting him, i was hurt and he didn't even know.

I called a cab and got home right as the sun was rising. I flopped in my bed and shoved my make-up filled face in my pillow and started to cry. Why was everyone acting so backwards towards me? why did my husband chose me? why was i still married? why did my aunties make marriage look so hunky dory? damn! that was a whole level of hurt i would never want to feel again. Tracy didn't even come home with me he went for a walk.

After a long shower the phone started ringing. It was my sister Delpha telling my that grandma died and she and mama needed to help planning the funeral. Even though it was sad circumstance, I was happy to leave Connecticut for a moment and go back to the south. I started thinking about how cool it would be for Harmony to meet her cousins and how happy i would've been to meet my nephews. I agreed to come to Georgia in two days. The doorbell rang and it was Stilson, Lynn's cute brother. He gave me my red earing back. We talked for a moment, and I admit I had a crush on him, but we had to cut it short because I had to pick Harmony up in a few hours and i need a little bit of sleep.

That damn phone rung again and this it was the hospital telling me Tracy was in a car accident. Holy crap! Tracy was in an accident he was drunk driving and crashed into a pole. I called another cab and while i was in the car i started to think about Harmony and how she wasn't going to have a father. Like me and my sister, like my mother. Was me and family really cursed? was this the way things were really going to be? When i showed up to the hospital, Tracy was already in the operating room. Tracy suffered a broken leg, arm and a puncture lung from his rib bone. I sat in the hallway thinking about my life, thinking about Tracy and how sad Tracy's life had been so far. Tracy didn't have a good life until he moved to Connecticut, his dad was a drunk his whole childhood and then winded up disabled, his mom left the family then died, and now Tracy would've been the end for him.

I started sympathizing with Tracy and my daughter, once again throwing out any emotion for myself. My poor daughter was going to know what it's like having no dad and a slightly disconnected mom, just like me and Delpha did. I never told anybody but I wanted to escape my life in South Carolina just like Tracy did. I begged and pleaded for God to have mercy on Tracy's soul and my daughter's. The doctor came out "Mrs. Washington?" i got up and immediately started sweating and breathing heavy. The doctor had this calm energy to him and straightly told me that Tracy made it through the surgery okay, but he will be disabled in his leg. He was going to have a nasty limp and may need rehabilitation.

THE HARDKNOCK LIFE

It took months for Tracy to heal his leg and arm. He was out of work but fortunately for me I enrolled in a night class program that paid people to be in class. It was part of a Connecticut Workforce Initiative to get low-income families stable in the workforce and off welfare. I was still on welfare, and from the classes I made $125 a week, from cash welfare i made $85 a month because I was married. Thank God the food stamps were $95 because that's exactly how much my grocery bill was.

You would think that all that was going on I would so sad, I've left the pitiful sad stage and went straight numb and waiting for the shoe to drop. Harmony was thriving and smart like me, she was starting preschool and i was very excited for her because she was excited. My mama was sending gifts to Harmony: handmade dolls, snacks and money. I always took the money, she don't need money. I still didn't have any friends but the neighbor and i clicked a little bit. Delpha went to hair school, so she was busy raising three boys and a husband, all while balancing hair school. I knew Delpha would graduate because she was good at beauty and hair.

I was on autopilot in this chapter of my life. I didn't really have any emotions, I wasn't happy or sad. Nothing excited me and everyday was mudane. Tracy started picking up a drinking habbit since he couldn't work. He would sit on the couch talking shit, saying that he was proud of me for accepting the $85 dollars a month in welfare instead of kicking him out the house and getting $325 dollars in welfare instead, even though that was the best option for me and Harmony. He was working my last nerve, I hated it.

Tracy and i started actually arguing and i got sassier with him more than he was used to. I was tired of being passive and walking on eggshells with him. I started to lock myself in my closet and started crying. I was 27 years old and felt like I lived a long life, even though I lived fast and didn't get to be young and carefree, I didn't even go to prom or play sports. I always thought about South Carolina and how easy my life was being a dreamer and being ambiotous. I always thought that I was my own boss but I never really expressed how i felt because no one in my family did.

I never told my mama i was mad at her for hiding my NYU application, I never told my Herbert i was sad for not being there for me as a child, I never told Delpha i missed her and needed her. I was never honest with family when they asked how things were with Tracy and me.

Summertime 1980 things were looking up for the moment. Tracy finally got a delivery job and I graduated from those classes and got a job as an office assistant at the YMCA. It was a Friday and that Saturday we were throwing a barbaque, i was excited and spent the evening preparing the foods while watching Harmony dance to the songs on MTV. Delpha called me 5 o'clock on the dot after her shift at the salon. We laughed and gossiped about the family, then she told me about Junior. I didn't know a junior "you know our half-brother?" Delpha said. I then got an image of the curly haired baby that lady was carrying in her arms in the pickup truck Herbert drove away and left us in. "Yeah" i said unenthused.

Delpha told me that Herbert got a hold of mama's number and begged for Delpha and I to visit our brother's grave for the anniversy of his death. Mama told him to go to hell and she just passed the message forward. "You know that motherfucker thought your name was Daisy?" Delpha said while laughing, I started laughing too. that's what we did. Then it dawned on me--our half-brother was dead! "wait our brother is dead?" I asked Delpha the gossip queen. Delpha explained to me that our brother German been dead for like 15 years, he died in Vietnam. Around the time Tracy and i got married. I felt a little sad, not too sad. German was our brother we never met but we were still his sisters, I couldn't imagine what German felt.

It was a partly cloudy afternoon but the cookout was still going strong. Everyone from Tracy's job showed up and my neighbor friend showed up. Things felt like normal, a family having a fun cookout. Delpha called again, I talked to Delpha on the phone while watching the cookout from the window, we laughed and gossiped. Delpha was at the cookout in spirit. Mid conversation, a brown Buick pulled up at the neighbor's house and out comes Lynn. I didn't hear a word Delpha was saying, everything got quiet again. Lynn showed up by herself, last time we saw Ray it was Fall 1977 at the card game. She had some type of salad in her hand and wearing a floral dress with her breast all up in the air and out.

I was fuming! Tracy and I already had a conversation about Lynn showing up at our house all the time, and how I didn't want Tracy being around her anymore. I immediately hung the phone up on Delpha and watched Tracy and Lynn interact. Tracy gave her those flirty hugs while holding her hips. I felt so sad and hopeless again. Where was Lynn when Tracy got into an accident and I had to nurse him to health? where was Lynn when Tracy was out of work? Tracy was publically humiliating me in front of his coworkers and even worse our daughter Harmony. I called Delpha back and told her i was coming to South Carolina.

It was midnight and the cookout was over, I set out Harmony's clothes for our flight in the afternoon the next day. I packed mine and Harmony's suitcase and while packing I started imagining how great it would be to connect with the family again. I wasn't fully leaving but taking a break. Tracy walked in and saw I was packing and questioned me, it was crazy because Tracy always pretended to act dumb, but he automatically assumed i was leaving him for good. "What's going on? was it something i isaid?" Tracy asked. I went back into old Lilly mode and lied about how i felt and what my intentions were "visiting my brother's grave he died in Nam" I said while focusing on the suitcase.

"I didn't know you had a brother" Tracy said. Tracy tried to make light of the situation but like a said before, we could feel each other. "Thank God I dodged the draft" Tracy joked, I stayed silent. "Whe you coming back?" asked. I unloaded on Tracy and told him I was tired of him and tired of this marriage. He got angry and told me I was being weird again. I didn't say much but then thought about it and started saying more. "I'm tired of being married to you and I don't love you!" I said, it felt so good and I knew i couldn't come back from that, and that's what made it worse.

I went deeper and deeper and told him how i felt about Lynn. I told Tracy that i know he likes Lynn more than more. I still couldn't get that sad and disappointed look Tracy had out of my head from that card game back in '77. That was the look of missing out, the look of love lost. It felt good to unleaseh on him. Tracy aint say nothing, as if he confirmed what I said about how he felt about Lynn was true.

DEATH AND REBIRTH

I stayed at Delpha's house longer than i thought and Tracy didn't even call to check up on Harmony and I. Harmony looked like she was in her full essence, a beautiful black princess she was, hanging with her cousins and playing outside. Harmony reminded me of me, resting in her childlike wonder and knowing the world was hers. Delpha, Harmony, chuck and I actually did visit German's grave and celebrated his life.

After all these years of not seeing him since I was five, I finally met Herbert again. He was old and in a wheelchair, he had on an oxegyn tank and his wife, that lady he cheated on my mom with was there. Sitting next to him in a wheelchair as well. They just sat there in front of German's grave. His headstone was shiny and simple:

GERMAN LEWIS CALDWELL Oct. 1946 Aug. 1965

Herbert told a light-hearted story about teaching him how to ride a bike and holding him and hearing his heartbeat as a baby. How energetic and smart he was. Herbert than compare German's ambition to me and how he couldn't be stopped. That lady, who's name was Geraldine started to cry. "We lost you so young, we thought you would come home" Herbert started to cry and so did Delpha and I. "we will never get over you German" dad said as his voice started to crackle. The pain and hurt was still in Herbert and Geraldine's hearts. I wanted to be upset about all the love he gave to German instead of me and Delpha and I but that day was about German.

I thought about how German didn't give up on his life, even until the very end. It motivated me to still keep moving forward even when I felt like things were going in a new direction. I decided that I wanted to live and feel again, I wanted to create and be the woman i needed for myself for myself. I decided to spend the next few months in South Carolina where Harmony and I belonged.

NOW

I didn't initaite the divorce until 2010 it took Tracy two years to sign the divorce papers but he finally signed them after Lynn badgered him to do it. I admit that I kinda did miss Tracy, the nostalgia of him. Harmony became the woman I knew she could be. Harmony graduated culinary school at CIA and I almost exploded with joy. Herbert died and Geraldine lived another five years. My mama died but lived a long life, Delpha and I gave her a grand homcoming. I'm still a little bitter for how my life went but im happy to be living a new one as an old lady starting over again.