Andi and Me

“It’s there again,” I observe. I reach towards it as if I can reach it, but to no avail.

“Is that why we’re here today?” Andi asks.

I stare at the ship on the horizon with a blue sail, bobbing consistently in one place. Even the strong winds that were blowing the sand into my eyes couldn’t move it. It just never moves. I guess my obsession with the ship is pretty evident considering that this was the fourth time we’ve been here this week.

“No,” I lie, “We’re here because you love the beach.”

Andi rolls her eyes,

“I hate the beach. Now that I think about it, so do you.”

My brows furrow and I stand up, brushing the sand off my dress and off my skin. This is why I hate the beach.

“But isn't it so intriguing?” I ask - getting a little louder with each word, “Aren’t you curious about why that ship is there? Do they need help?”

I cup my sandy hands around my mouth and yell,

“Do you need help?”

Andi laughs in unexpecting shock and covers my loudmouth with her sandy hands,

“Oh my gosh. Everyone but the ship can hear you dude.”

It’s my turn to laugh as I flop back down onto the sand,

“There’s no one on this beach. No one is ever on this beach.”

Andi looks around, shrugs in agreement, and sits back down with me. I can’t seem to remember the last time that we talked. Even though this was the fourth time we’ve been here this week, it’s always been filled with silence. What did we use to talk about?

The air feels heavy. Maybe it’s the salt from the sea, maybe it’s the sand making the air musty, maybe it’s the lump in my throat pushing me to say anything to make the uncomfortable silence go away. The sky begins to turn a cotton candy pink. The colors dance around us on the quiet beach and the wind begins to die down. I look to Andi, it’s around this time that Andi suggests we leave. She doesn’t like the sunset. Her choppy short hair frames her face. The lump in my throat grows bigger. I burst into laughter.

Andi frowns,

“What? What?”

In between bursts of laughter I try to say,

“Remember that time? I chased you? With a pair of scissors? And cut your hair?”

“Yeah? Why’s that so-” she gasps and grabs her hair, “You think that’s what I look like right now don’t you?”

I laugh even harder at her reaction, tears coming into the corner of my eyes and my sides beginning to hurt. It was all the confirmation she needed as she gave me a playful push towards the sand. Eventually she joined in and our laughter echoed in the sunset.

Once we calmed down I finally managed to say,

“You know, I really hated looking like you.”

“I know.”

The wind came back, blowing my hair in all different directions and making Andi’s hair act as a shroud for her face. However, underneath that shroud, I knew exactly what it looked like. I see it every time I look in the mirror. I look over at the ship in the horizon, in hopes that it has moved at least a little bit. Even if I can’t seem to move on, at least this little ship with the blue sail could. I take a shaky breath,

“That’s why I was chasing you with scissors when we were like 7.”

“I know.”

Now the wind was blowing hard enough to make a sound. Panic overcomes me. What if she can’t hear me because of the wind? What if I can’t say what I need to say?

“That’s why I said ‘I hate you’,” I say a little louder, “You know? On that day?”

I can’t bring myself to say it. Tears begin to form, and this time not because of the sand. The lump in my throat comes back for a different reason,

“On the day you died?”

The wind calms down. The ship bobs on the horizon, still at the same place it was before. In the corner of my eye, Andi looks at me with a sad smile. I can’t even look her in the eyes. All I can focus on now is the ship. Come on. Move. However, I know it won’t move. The ship hasn’t moved in over a year. No amount of coaxing with my mind has ever made it move, and it won’t move now. I look up, in hopes the tears will go away, but they’re already running down my face.

I’m waiting for Andi to say her infamous ‘I know’ like the know-it-all she is, but instead, she starts cracking up,

“That’s what has got your panties in a twist recently?”

My head whips towards her. She’s laughing her brains off as snot and tears run down my face. She laughs even harder when she sees my confusion.

“Bro,” she manages to choke out through her laughter, “It was a hit and run. How could you have known?”

“Huh?”

“It’s not like those three words are what killed me,” she says, “If you feel so rotten about it, then, I hate you too nimrod.”

She gives me a noogie and wipes my tears and snot with her sleeve,

“We’re even.”

She gives her signature mischievous smile, the only thing that helped people tell us twins apart, and looks to the horizon.

“Oh my gosh, Alice look!”

She pointed towards the sea. The ship on the horizon, it was moving. I burst into tears again, it felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The ship was moving. Slowly, but surely. It was moving. Andi scoffs,

“Crybaby.”

I wake up.