An Open Letter To My Mom

June 14, 1988, I was born weighing six pounds and fourteen ounces. I was my mother's second child and now I am one of eight children. She will tell you today that I am most certainly her most stubborn one, truly living up to all the tales of red-headed girls with freckles. I was also the child that became an adult before I was ready. Being outnumbered, my parents needed help especially mom. Daddy had to work a lot to provide food and shelter. My parents would say my intelligence could speak volumes of the places I could soar just as long as I spread my wings.

Time has moved in hyper speed and I am approaching the age of thirty-two. My parents had to bury one of their daughters at the young age of twenty-four. My sister left behind two small children who no longer get to see each other. The injustice was done to my family and her life being robbed. The relationship between my mother and I has been strained for a very long time. My mother would question me with a heavy heart if she was a good mother. She and I both know that we have repairs to do on our relationship and it will take time. The most important thing is that we both want it repaired. I do a lot of reflection and writing to help myself to heal and to help others. I told my mother that with all the chaos going on my life right now I can't pick up my hard hat and hammer and start patching up our relationship just yet. That in time we can. I know that as I am healing from a lot that she will remain and even if our relationship isn't the best, at least we have one.

This is a letter of love and celebration to my mother to remind her of how amazing she truly is. My birthday isn't just a birthday. It's much more. Its the existence of my life which has created the ripple effect to the present day. I want to remind my mother that I cherish her and appreciate her for everything she has ever done for me. I know that I have said hurtful things out of honesty but it doesn't change the fact that she is my mom. There have been times I told her when she questioned if other female figures in my life were ideal mother figures that I wanted and I said, "Yes."

I know that hurts but a daughter just wants mother-daughter days where we can get our hair and nails done, have lunch, have great conversations, and wonderful memories. Growing up I felt deprived of that but my mom is doing those things with me as much as she can. I understand that there are limitations to what people can and can not do. However, I wouldn't want any other female figures to be my mom because I have one who gave birth to me and despite all our imperfections she loves me just as much as a mother does. I have others I consider mom but they can't love me as my mother does. They don't worry about me as my mother does.

My mother and I learn so much from each other as time moves forward. When I became a mom, I looked to her for advice as well as others. We have laid in each other's arms when the news broke of my sisters passing and I held her as she wept. She held me as I would weep for my son being separated and waking from a nightmare that he didn't exist. The solace we give each other isn't something you can receive from another like your own mother. I treasure the memories made and looking back on my last thirty-two years. It has been far from perfect and more ideal of rubbing two pennies together to make it. We ran on love and hope. When you don’t have as much you learn to value so much more. My parents have been there for all my health issues and my mom would remain by my hospital bed and wouldn’t give up until we had answers. There aren’t enough words for the anguish I’ve felt for feeling like I was lying about my health and no one would listen but my mom was always there. October of 2019, I had one seizure that lasted for a little over an hour. I was standing over my body screaming at myself to wake up while my boyfriend then was holding me worried. My seizures brought me to feeling like I was drifting between this world and the next. The scariest experience and I knew to appreciate things much more. I’m glad to be here to write this and to be helping people. I’m glad to pour my heart out to my mom and let her know I love her more than words could express. I feel so fortunate to be approaching another birthday.

My dearest Mother, I hope your heart is full of joy and that I have reassured you that you are a great mother. We are far from perfect but we try and give love. That’s what is important. There will never be enough appreciation for all the times you were there to get me safely back home when I wondered too far. The times you brought me happiness and memories I treasure with your grandson. The custody battle I’m in has been a complete nightmare but you and dad raised me to be the woman I am. I’ll always be under construction but I strive to be a great mother to my son and a good person with a good heart. You have paced off-course since you lost a piece of your heart when we closed the casket and buried one of your children. You have no blame or guilt for that. As I said in my speech before the casket closed, she was and is the vibrant soul who livened up the room all because of the parents who raised her. You played a major role in the love that others have for your children mom. I hope you never forget that. I look forward to more memories with you once my custody battle is over. For peace to enter my life so that we can start on our relationship and make it healthier. You carried me for nine months and you will always carry me in your heart. A mother’s love is a bond that can’t be broken. Life will keep giving us hurdles but we will make it.

Thank you for all my siblings who enriched my childhood. My quality time with you.

Thank you for being there for all my first time crazy mom questions. All the questions from adolescence to adulthood of;

“Mom, I don’t want my sister born on my birthday. Can’t she just wait?”

“Mom, why do I have to share my birthday?”

Mom, “How do you cook a turkey and know when it’s done.

“How do I shave my legs?

“Mom is Santa real?”

Why do I have red hair and freckles and my siblings don't? Am I adopted?

Why did I have to be the short one?

It says dry clean only. So, can I put it in the washer?

Mom, I want a little girl. Dear, You have a son and you know what has to happen to get a little girl. Now stop looking at the little girl's clothes. Mom, "Why can't I have my little boy and a girl and not have to go the old fashioned route to get my little girl?"

How do I know when his bottle is warm enough?

Mom, "How do I soothe him? He won't stop crying."

How do you swaddle a baby?

Do I need a diaper warmer?

I would drive you crazy with my questions. I remember when you asked me to watch the house while you and dad went down the road to get a few things from the store. This was when I was around fourteen.

You both returned and asked me, "What did your siblings do. I replied seriously, "I don't know."

You sternly remarked, "What do you mean you don't know. I asked you to watch your brothers and sisters."

I calmly responded, "Mom, you asked me to watch the house and the house did nothing."

Then there was the time I camped out in the corner behind the Christmas tree with my sleeping bag hiding so I could catch Santa with my Polaroid Camera. Unfortunately, my little sister wanted to tattle on me so she was camping out with me. Around three am I caught mom with an instant picture putting presents under the tree and she was highly upset. I was just about to wake my sister and mom said give me the picture and you are sworn to secrecy. Being upset the only response I had was, "I knew it"

Mom, I most certainly wasn't an easy child. I always wanted you to be proud of me. We were ecstatic when we learned I was chosen for the Miss Teen USA Pagent and I was to compete to represent the state of Kentucky. I felt I disappointed you because I chickened out feeling like I wasn't pretty enough and too pale skin to even compete with the others. You discovered my talents before I ever did. I began cake decorating and baking at age thirteen and you knew I had something special and kept pushing me to go far with that. I will never give you enough praise for that push because I have made so many happy with the talent of making amazing and delicious cakes. You saw that I had a gift with writing and I didn't think much of it but you pushed me and would tell me how proud you are for the difference I am making. How people out of state came to meet me and interview me for my writing skills. I know you had a proud moment when I gave a speech at dinner to honor our family and a piece I wrote and we were swarmed with so many who was telling you how remarkable I am. That my speech and what I wrote was eloquent and professional that you must be a proud mom. That's all I could ask for is your time, your love and to be proud to call me yours.

I hope I have given you some peace and joy in knowing that I am proud to call you my mom. You always ask me what I want for my birthday and its simple. I just want your time, your hugs, and memories I'll forever cherish. That is what can't be bought, sold, trashed, or replaced. It is something I could hold in my memory and my heart for years to come.

I love you, mom.

Love Your Stubborn Daughter.