"Am I Good Mother"

If you would have told me three years ago that I would have been a mom at the age of twenty engaged to a man I met on tinder I would have laughed in your face. Yet here we are almost a month into motherhood living with the love of my life trying to grasp the reality that I'm actually a mother to a beautiful baby boy. I've always dreamed about being a mother though I never really thought about the struggles a mother goes through trying to raise a child.

Now there is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do to make sure my baby has everything he would ever need. We have a good support system and he's loved endlessly. Though at the end of the day while everyone's asleep and only the cry of a newborn is heard my mind races with questions. "Am I doing a good job? "Am I a good mother?", or "Am I doing enough?". I never really had a mother or father to look up to or learn from, so it's hard to know if I'm going in the right direction.

One of my struggles so far has been choosing breastfeeding or formula. The minute I found out I was pregnant I wanted to breastfeed, although after giving birth to my son with the first couple sleepless nights it took a toll on me emotionally. All I wanted was sleep and the thought of having to wake up to breastfeed and/or pump brought me to tears. I ended up going to formula and I felt like a failure like I was disappointing not only myself but everyone around me as well. It's been a struggle trying to do the right thing without thinking about trying to please other people. Growing up I needed the constant approval of those around me. Even the thought of knowing that someone was disappointed in me was upsetting. Now that I'm a mother I'm fighting to break out of that habit.

Every day I give a piece of myself up so my son can have what he needs. He may only be a month old but from the day he was born I knew what I had to do. Through all the tears and self-doubt at the end of each day I know it's going to be worth it. I want my children to grow up knowing that they have their parents to look up to. I strive to be the best mother I can be for my son and future children. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to being a new mother, I'm learning by trial and error and from the help of friends and family. My son is the reason I wake up every day and I will continue to give myself so he can have the life he deserves.