Almost one year since my mom passed away.

Everyone goes through grieving differently. We all know the step,

• Shock and Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Testing stage

• Acceptance

• Finding Meaning

• Finding Healing

But guess what? The steps don't go in that order. On day one or minutes when the time of death happens, depression can come first or anger; it hasn't been a year, and I still go back and forth on denial and acceptance.

December 2, 2024, at 1:13 am was the day my best friend passed away. My mother was suffering from Pulmonary Fibrosis.

The first day is still a bit of a blur but I'm trying to pick up what I still remember December the 3rd 2024 pretty much all I could describe is autopilot. Getting up, going to the kitchen to start making breakfast for my mom, but it took me a few minutes to realize I didn't need to make her breakfast because I hadn't come with the terms that she had passed.

I was having difficulty trying to process what was going on it was literally like having a fight with the echoes; I'll be making breakfast and I would assume I would hear my mom coughing when I would turn she wouldn't be on the couch where she always was especially the day she passed. The house felt very eerily quiet because the day that my mother passed was the day my husband had to go to a business trip I'm not mad at him because he went it was out of his control.

Anyway all that was going through my head was what do I do now? Who do I call? Who do I inform? One thing for sure I had to start calling all of the doctors, the health, insurance, Social Security, you name it. It was a difficult process but I managed to get through to it.

On the third day after I dropped off my daughter at preschool, my daughter was three years old at the time. She had not understood what had happened to Grandma. I guess she assumed Grandma was sleeping or was visiting a friend. Understandably, children process things differently from grown-ups. When I got home, I would have to say it was truly the only time I was actually alone. I had never heard such silence; it was deafening. I sat in the hall that was between my mother's room and my room. I just let out the loudest scream.

I was angry, I was sad because I felt like I failed my mother, not as her daughter but as her caretaker. So much flooded my head, could I have done this better, could I have done that better? What if I did this? What if I did that? I don't think it even mattered, because no matter how I felt about it, she was already gone. I cried for maybe 20 minutes until I was exhausted.

The only other person I think felt this genuine sadness was my momma's cat, Anakin. For five months, the cat would constantly be walking around the house meowing, almost like he was meowing the word Mama. He would stare out the window, and he would sleep on her bed.

I would try to speak to the cat slowly, try to explain to him that my mom was with God now. However, how do you explain to a small animal that its owner is no longer gonna come back? It took a while. However, Anakin finally accepted me as his new owner. He still sleeps with me, and he still cuddles next to my feet, but I still think a part of him misses my mom.

I slowly had to piece together how I was gonna bury my mother, then I recalled she wanted to be cremated and be taken back home to her home country in Merida, Yucatan, Mexico, that's where my father is also buried, but in the catacombs in a church. So, Needless to say, I agree to take my mother's ashes to Mexico.

Here was the issue: the payment for the cremation. When it comes to insurance, be sure to read the fine print. Needless to say, I didn't receive anything from the insurance, even though my mother had paid for it. Still, she paid for accidental death; my mother passed away naturally, which doesn't get me wrong, I'm thankful she didn't suffer because she suffered through a lot when she was alive with her illness. However, I suffered financially because I had to sell a lot of things a lot of things that belonged to her a lot of my personal items even some money that the government was paying me to take care of her through I.H.S.S (In Home Support Services) all that had to go to pay for her cremation as well as her storage fee at the mortuary after I managed to save up and get her ashes.

I started sorting through other items that I decided to donate because they weren't selling as well, or there wasn't enough demand. I still have a few things from both my parents. However, the sadness doesn't really end there, because the first year is the absolute hardest, especially during the holidays, with Mother's Day being particularly excruciating. After all, my mother is no longer here. I felt alone, but I had to go out because I didn't want my daughter to stay home with me and see me cry; that's the last thing I want. I don't want her to see me cry because, as a child, they assumes that when someone cries, it means something is wrong. I'll be happy to tell her what's wrong when she's a bit older. Right now, she's still learning.

The day of the dead which was November 1 through the 3rd was the hardest because it was when I had to put up both my parents's pictures back then I would help my parents set up the alter and put the offerings for those who have just died but just seeing that I was putting my parents's photo it was like a dream that I was hoping wasn't real.

The Christmas tree is still up from last year because we were planning on decorating the tree with my mom but that didn't happen two reasons the first reason I was grieving and the other reason there were spiders in the garage I didn't want it to get covered with spiders hopefully this year I'll be able to decorate the tree not just with my husband but with my daughter and maybe this time she won't knocked down the the star on top of the tree.

There were times I would dream of my mom. I felt like it was really her because of the energy I felt from the entity and the dream, which made me believe that my mom was telling me she was fine and had made it to the other side. She was safe with my dad and told me not to be sad anymore; that I should be happy, live my life happily with love and peace in my heart, and not worry about her. In the dream, I asked her, "Did I fail you as a daughter and as a caretaker?" My mom looked at me and said, "Why would you ask me such a hurtful question? I love you." That made me feel happy knowing she's safe. Do I wish parents were here with me? Absolutely, but I know God needed them.