After raising a child for more than 10 years, I finally understood the truth behind "3 years old to determine 80 years old"

In the process of raising a child, we will find that the child will not only be rebellious, but also pleasing, arrogant, and inferior ...... The child's character temperament, in the end, is influenced by what?

Today I would like to talk with you about one of the main factors affecting the character of a child - the parents' "life attitude orientation". In the interaction between parents and children, the parents' own "life attitude orientation" influences and shapes the formation of the child's character.

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4 "Life Attitude Orientations"

First, let's look at what an attitude orientation is.

In her book, Positive Discipline, Dr. Jane Nelson writes

From childhood, we accumulate a large number of subconscious decisions that, as adults, shape our choices, decisions, and behaviors when we encounter things, forming our character, or life attitude orientation.

There is a Chinese proverb that says: "Three years old determines 80 years old," which also means the same thing.

The "three years old" is an age group (3-7 years old), and a person's character is formed when the child is 3-7 years old. The foundation laid at this age will affect the development of their whole life.

Parents are the first teachers of their children, and the family can have a great influence on the formation of a child's personality.

Some parents may not be aware of their "attitude orientation", but it does exist and is closely related to their parenting style.

The book Positive Discipline divides basic life attitude orientations into four types: Comfortable, Controlling, Pleasing, and Striving for Excellence.

It is important to note that these four attitudinal orientations do not exist singularly in our bodies.

In different scenarios, conditions, situations, we will take a different "orientation", in which we feel stress, tension or insecurity, the choice of the basic orientation, known as the "main life attitude orientation".

Some people say that a fight is a testament to a person's character, and that the way a person reacts when "attacked" is what that person is really like. Similarly, when we feel stress and tension, the "orientation" we take is more reflective of ourselves.

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Advantages and disadvantages of different "orientations

and how to improve

Each of the four "life attitude orientations" has its own strengths and weaknesses that influence our behavior and educational outcomes.

If the behavior is not appropriate, it will cause certain parenting deficiencies that run counter to the original intent of our parenting.

Next, let's look at four "attitudinal orientations to life": ① Comfortable

① Comfortable:

Example: Mother A thinks it's too much trouble to make her child drink milk every morning, and she doesn't want to get up every day and get upset with her child over a glass of milk, so if her child doesn't drink it, she doesn't drink it, as long as she gets enough protein today or finds another time for her child to drink it.

This is one of the manifestations of the comfort orientation, which dislikes conflict and stress and tries to avoid situations that make her feel uncomfortable.

Its parenting advantage, is that the child can look away from some things, easy-going personality, will be loved by everyone.

We've all heard the story of a little girl whose grades were only in the middle of the class and who didn't get any of the various awards, but she didn't care at all and instead won a unanimous vote in the class "favorite friend" contest.

But because comfortable parents don't like stress and emotional pain, they usually choose to compromise when they disagree with their children, and compromise will spoil their children and develop their arrogant personalities, and they will also appear to be inordinately demanding.

Suggestions for improvement.

First of all, teach your child life skills; secondly, make rules with your child, make a system of rewards and punishments, and once the rules are made, enforce them strictly and let them experience the natural results that come from their choices.

②Control type.

Example: Mother B feels that if I make it a rule that her child must drink milk in the morning, her child has to drink it every morning.

From waking up → eating → studying → going to bed, the parent arranges the child's day in a clear and orderly way, thinking that in this way, the child will develop the habit of self-discipline in the long run, being able to organize time and things rationally and respecting the rules.

However, controlling parents are more likely to have parenting deficits or parenting biases.

When the child reaches a certain stage, he or she will start to resist, such as procrastinating, playing games, or disobeying the parents; and if the parents are too controlling, the child will not be able to resist and will easily develop a "pleasing" personality, gaining attention and security by "pleasing" the parents.

Suggestions for improvement.

Parents should learn to let go of their children, make decisions together with them, involve them, and give them certain options, so that they will feel they have autonomy, respect, and a sense of accomplishment.

③Pleasing type.

Example: Mother C, on the other hand, chooses to coax her child to drink the milk when she doesn't want to, by first making her child happy, thus allowing her child to drink the milk.

The pleasing type avoids stress by letting others do things that make them happy. In a way, it is a kind of transposition that will make children learn to be friendly and considerate of others, and treat others with more concern for their feelings, and be polite and humble.

If you want to please others, you will have to accept the situation; if the other party does not appreciate, you will also feel frustrated or angry, and in serious cases, it will stimulate rebellion and choose to retaliate.

Suggestions for improvement.

First of all, it is also necessary to work with children to set rules and strictly enforce them; to teach children to sincerely express their feelings and emotions, do not have to condescend to gain the goodwill of others; to learn to properly give and receive, to achieve a state of equality of interaction; parents can also be more heuristic questions, such as: now xxx time, what should be done ah? Children will then consciously do what they should do.

④Striving for excellence.

Example: Mom D thinks that it is the "right" thing to make her child drink milk in the morning, and that drinking milk can replenish calcium, and if her child does not want to eat, she will make her child believe that drinking milk is good for her body by "lecturing" her.

If the parent is striving for excellence, usually the parent is always striving to be "right" and always striving to do the "best", and this behavior will set an example for the child to develop excellent qualities and make the child strive to be more outstanding.

When such parents model their own situation to their children, they usually make them feel incompetent, inadequate, and incapable of meeting their parents' "high expectations" no matter how hard they try. Children will also focus only on the outcome, with success and failure as the only options in their minds, and ignore the process.

Suggestions for improvement.

Parents should love their children unconditionally and accept everything about them, including when they fail to meet their parents' "high expectations"; don't always ask your children to do what you think is "right"; fully respect your children's ideas and support their goals; after all, everyone has his or her own life to lead, so that your children will understand that they should respect different people's ideas; encourage your children to enjoy the process rather than focusing on the results.

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Become a good parent

Raising Great Kids

These four attitudinal orientations are present in every parent to some degree or another.

The purpose of understanding our own "life attitudes" is not to label ourselves, but to increase the understanding of intergenerational family transmission.

Understanding more about our own parenting style and how it affects our children's personalities will enable us to consciously make adjustments to our own behavior in the process of raising our children, so that our children's personalities can be more positive.

One dad is the classic pleasing type.

He does what he thinks his child will feel happy and joyful every day, such as squeezing his child's toothpaste in the morning, checking that his child's school bag is all packed before he leaves home, and usually arranging for food and drink all the time when he's at home.

But over time, it was found that the child did not appreciate his efforts, and would even think that the father was superfluous.

The father also feels that for their own efforts, the child does not appreciate, and do not understand, the heart will occasionally grow resentful.

But when he understood that he was a "pleasing" life attitude orientation, he understood that the real inconsiderate is himself, although he gave, but never asked the children what they really want.

A good parent-child relationship should be based on relative equality.

So in subsequent parenting, he would focus on listening to the child's ideas and expressing sincerely whether he could grant the child's request, making rules together, asking the child to make a commitment and strictly abide by it.

Only when we know ourselves better can we avoid the parenting flaws brought about by our own subconscious behaviors, so that our children develop better character and bring about better growth.

When we become better parents, our children will have a better chance of becoming good people.