Abandonme-

We've all been abandoned at some point, haven't we? From a prom date to the all too familiar father leaving his children. I know there are millions of stories out there about abandonment but this one belongs to me, and yes, it's about daddy.

At my grandmother's funeral, I was forced to hug my father for the first time.

It felt like a violation but my mother made me do it. It was his mother that had died. Our little "family" had a group hug and it was the most insincere, non-genuine, awkward fucking thing I've ever experienced.

I don't remember having a father until I was in my late teens. My mom divorced my biological father, let's call him the sperm donor from now on, before I was born. He had cheated on her while she was pregnant with me so, double whammy. My mother is one of those no-nonsense moms so she kicked him to the curb immediately, so I never really properly met the sperm donor. I had glimpses of him here and there without knowing who he really was. I remember one time I thought he was Jesus because he looked so like him.

My mom remarried when I was 7. I didn't trust him at first obviously so it took quite a while for me to warm up to him and finally think of him as my dad, my real dad. He's nothing like the sperm donor, complete opposite actually, and I'm lucky to have him. It took a good 10 to 15 years for me to trust him and think of him as my real father.

Even though I have a great father now, I'm still fucked up with issues that were caused by the sperm donor. Abandonment issues, trust issues, separation anxiety, and the like. Even my taste in men is fucked up but we won't talk about that; it's a little too heavy for this platform.

Let me just say this as a disclaimer—I've never been to therapy. I've never spoken to a professional about these issues, so by no means is this diagnosed. I've just been using intuition and logic to try to get at the root of my issues. Also, there may be issues or things I'm suffering from that I don't even realize stem from the sperm donor abandoning me.

Of course, the sperm donor is not the only person guilty of abandoning me. There have been countless others and they don't even have to physically leave me to abandon me. They have abandoned me emotionally, mentally, and supportively. My mother is guilty of this—broken promises. My mom is the queen of broken promises and she doesn't even know it; in fact, if I accused her of it, she'd promptly deny it. She also never gave me the support I needed in my formative years which has lead me to resent her help now that I'm 34. My step-father too. They both let me down when I needed them most, when I actually needed their help. Now they, I suppose, are trying to make up for it. I'm a grown adult and there are certain things I can do by myself. Their help comes too late.

My friends are also guilty—going back on their word or broken promises. They don't realize how it affects me because it happens so often I'm tired of confronting them about it. My co-workers and bosses are guilty as well. I've grown tired of asking for help because they either never do or say they will and forget about me. Now, you may think, "Amanda, that's not that bad. They're probably busy." Sure, but it happens more often than not. Sometimes I'm straight up ignored. I've had talks with these people about their actions and how they affect me but nothing comes from it so I just give up.

So, what happens to a person who has been repeatedly abandoned in this manner? Well, since it's started so soon in my life it seems to just pile on and never go away. I'm not a big forgiving person either. That's just part of my nature. My thinking is, if you do it once you'll do it again so why should I forgive you? After so much, you will get cut right out of my life. Unfortunately, I live with some of these people so I can only act civil.

I'll never forgive the sperm donor for abandoning me, my brother, or my mother but I have gotten over it. After all, it was for the best since he's a shit person. I've gotten over the whole "questioning my self-worth" too. Years ago, sometimes I would cry in the dark while listening to music trying to figure out why my father didn't want me. But then I started thinking, if he's such a shitty person why should I put any thought into his opinions, or lack thereof, of me or his actions? His opinions no longer mattered to me, his other "families" didn't matter, and neither does his life. My brother once asked me if I'd be upset when the sperm donor dies. I just gave him a blank stare and said, "How can I have any feelings for a man like that? Or for one I've never known?" He nodded.

For me, it was easier to not let the abandonment of someone I didn't care about affect me. When the guilty party is someone I actually love or care about its a hurt like no other.

It's almost like unrequited love. You invest all this care and attention in this person who just forgets you, ignores you, or rejects you. When you care about this person, you care about their opinions, you value their opinions in general and then you question, because of their behavior toward you, their opinions of you. Then you question yourself, your worthiness, your value, their feelings for you.

"Why do they feel they can do this to you?"

"Do they not care about you? Your feelings?"

"Do they not value your time?"

"Why do they not take me seriously?"

"What's wrong with me?"

"Is it something I can fix?"

Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to fix this, at least not talking to them. I have gotten very good at letting these culprits know when they've upset me. But, when they learn I'm upset they follow in true fashion by "giving me my space" as they call it. I call it ignoring me. I call it abandonment. What it is basically is that they cause these situations then refuse to take responsibility for them.

While I haven't learned how to fix this because it depends on the actions of the other party, I have learned how to deal with it. This is what I do. I simply remember how awesome I am. I have, throughout my short life, learned to love myself most of all. I am my greatest company and I let people know it. They're the ones missing out, not me. Don't worry, you'll always have yourself. And I suppose that's one positive thing that comes from being abandoned—you become independent.

And independence equals freedom.