A Time To Heal

Motherhood, for myself has been the only reason given in my life to become my most authentic self! This journey has caused me to search and seek reasons outside of self to grow into the woman that I am today. I will give a little background of Nena, for you to understand my journey. I was born Nena Valeria Smith around 5pm on May 4th, 1985, in Frankfurt, Germany. I was the first-born daughter to a woman that turned 18 the very next day and man that was 10 years her senior. This married couple knew very little about relationships because, unfortunately neither of them were able to witness a healthy marriage during their upbringing. Therefore, the only knowledge of relationships and what they were to be came from what they witnessed in movies or televisions shows. Hence the name Nena that came from a character in the populated soap opera The Young and The Restless. Valeria my middle name also comes from a movie that featured Arnold Schwarzenegger.

My identity as a child was always questioned unbeknownst to me until I was the age of 10. I was a Creole, African American, Indian, and Caucasian baby that stood out every single where we went. My mother and father divorced around my age of 5 and my mother was pregnant with my little sister. Life after the age of five was full of brokenness, heartache, confusion, frustration, and pain. My mother became manic depressive and there were multiple threats of child protective services removing my sister and I from her care. Fortunately, and unfortunately, we were never taken from her care.

Growing up my grandmother was my mother figure, and the relationship that we shared was one that I truly treasured! In my eyes there has not yet been a woman whose presence can match. At the age of fifteen my beautiful, loving, and exhausted “grand mommy” committed suicide. From about the age of fifteen until my mid-thirties I was a lost lamb. I sought for a replacement love that could only be found by faith.

I received my first divine gift when I was twenty-four years old, and I was a complete and nervous reck. I was almost forty-two weeks pregnant with no signs of delivery near, and my body started to go into shock. I began to show signs of preeclampsia. After having to have an induction my body traumatically, and dramatically begin to display every single stressor that I had experience for over the last 10 months. The father of my child had been my best friend for the last 6 years, and at sometime during our relationship he began to use drugs. A drug that has taken many lives and leaves plenty of physical and emotional scars. For over 12 years I fought to see the eyes of my best friend again. Fortunately, for me I was able to see those eyes undoubtedly in my second daughter that arrived almost two years later from my first. My youngest resembles him the most physically and looking into her eyes felt as if I had seen a replica of my best- friends.

It was about two years later from my youngest daughter’s birth where an incident occurred that caused me to see a mirror reflection of myself. My daughters’ father and I has been living separately, but I was trying to co-parent the absolute best that I could. A date and time were set for him to come and take care of them for a weekend. The date arrived and I had confirmed with him early in the day that everything was still on as planned. Well, the time came, and he kept calling and saying that he was on the way. However, as time got later and later my youngest looked at me with tears and stated, “He isn’t coming, is he?”. In that moment I knew that I had to change. I had to become the mother that protected her daughters from their father. I had to break chains and cycles that would lead to more heartache and pain. I had to face the reality that I could no longer love a man more than myself or my children.

A few weeks later I had lost a job that I thought would propel me towards my goals. However, a higher force had another plan. So, I decided to pack up and move to Atlanta, Georgia from New Orleans, La! This was the first time in twelve years that I had been completely on my own and I was terrified. I had left behind twelve years of physical, and mental abuse. I had left behind everything and everyone that I knew from the age of sixteen to give my daughters a better chance in life. My children allowed me to see who I had become and, I needed to seek better for them. Which would only lead to better for myself as well. I cried myself to sleep every single night for a year! I was forced to face every single trauma that I had encountered over thirty years! Which included, molestation, rape, physical abuse, and mental abuse. I was left completely broken and looking into a mirror had become torture. Hurt and broken people hurt other people so, I had to face the pain that I had even caused others! Gratefully, I was healed through time, and patients, and the love of the most high. I am healed from my past. My daughters are my blessings and the love that we share is unmatched.

The love that we share allows them to understand who they are, and their importance in this world. They are already better than who I was at the ages of ten and twelve. Raising my daughters is an honor and a privilege, and when I am slipping, I become accountable and work twice as hard to correct my ways. This is an everyday journey so; I can say that I am still working on becoming better version of myself. My story has allowed me to start a non-profit, and a ministry that will hopefully help women around the world understand their importance and worth. I never want another woman to allow anyone else to define themselves.