A Place of Healing

Zara looked at the house as she drove down the long gravel driveway. It did not look like much, but she had escaped and hoped she had found a place to continue healing. The pictures of the house online looked welcoming, even though the house was run down. The photos of the surrounding woods and mountains are what really drew her to this place. The river that ran by the house was peaceful and the bright yellow, orange and red marigolds planted around the house gave it a calming character. For some strange reason she was drawn to this place. Zara used to believe in her intuition and gut feelings, but unfortunately during her marriage, she had stopped listening to those sensitivities. Now that she was free, the trust in her instincts had come back slowly as she was learning to trust herself again.

As she drew closer to the house, she began to wonder if the house was worth every single penny she had to her name. The outside of the house was drab, and it was in a state of disrepair. Fear started to rear its ugly head and she began to second guess her decisions. As she parked the Jeep, Zara recognized this fear for what it was and owned it. She took in a deep breath, like her therapist had taught her and closed her eyes to focus on the positive and good of this house. It was the first time in her life that Zara had owned a home alone and had chosen what she would own. She was 46 and had never been allowed to make a big decision like this on her own. She was free for the first time and would not let her fear paralyze her like it had done for years.

Zara had been married at the age of 21, to the man she thought was her soulmate and best friend. They spent their early years partying and being young together. She had worked two jobs as he worked one. Things were good for many years, but the man she married slowly started to change. When they found out Zara was pregnant with their first child, Landon had made the steady change into someone Zara would later not recognize at all. Their beautiful baby boy was born in January of 2001, and very quickly after joined by fraternal boy/girl twins in December of 2001. This rapid growth of the family unit had forced the couple to make sacrifices and Zara began her journey as a stay-at-home mom. Money was always tight, but Zara loved being a mom. She had continued her education at night after the kids went to sleep and after ten years defended her doctoral dissertation. The first incident of Landon’s true change was when the children were about one and two.

The couple had been bickering over money and Zara, who did not like confrontation, tried to walk away from Landon. He grabbed her arm and swung her around into the wall and proceeded to punch the wall beside her head. Zara grabbed her children and left the house immediately, only to return a day later out of fear. She felt she had no options or place to go, and Landon was quick to point out she had no way to support the children and no job. This was the beginning of an additional 18 years of manipulation and emotional abuse that Zara would face, before a variety of catalysts would spur her into action.

Shaking her head to snap herself out of the memories of the past, Zara slowly got out of the Jeep. This was her home, the first home she had ever picked out and purchased by herself. She would not allow Landon and those memories to destroy her peace. She slowly walked to the front door, digging out the key the realtor had given her. The first thing that hit her as she walked to the front porch was the strong perfume of the marigolds. The smell called to her, and the flowers seemed to sense her fear and anxiety close to the surface. As an avid gardener, Zara knew that marigolds were symbolic of positive emotions and energy; they brought warmth, happiness, joy, and good luck to those around them. Zara loved flowers, knew the marigolds where her sign to buy this home. She knew that the flowers were subtly sending out their energy to comfort her and welcome her home.

She stepped onto the porch a little more at ease and with confidence as she breathed in the rich smell of the happy flowers. With a shaking hand she placed the key in the front door lock and slowly turned, having to jiggle the handle a bit to get the door to unlock. She deliberately turned the doorknob. Zara opened the hand carved door and felt a complete sense of safety and peace as she stepped over the threshold; light shone through the stained-glass window of the door spreading rainbows into the open living space. She knew for the first time that she was home and all the tension she had been holding on to left her body. As she moved around the empty space, she was surprised to feel moisture on her face. She was alone for the first time since she was twenty years old and free to make all the choices, no one telling her what to do or making her feel insignificant when she made a choice that made her happy.

Zara knew she had to get to work cleaning because the kids and the movers would be here in a few hours to help her get settled. She walked around the house opening windows, feeling confident in her decision for the first time in a very long time. She knew this place would be a home for her where Landon could not destroy her any longer. The smell of the marigolds drifted in through the open windows and helped her stay grounded as she entered her dark memories. The man she had once loved with all of her being, called her a piece of trash, a whore, a bitch, a crazy person, and so many other names; she had begun to believe his words. The constant gaslighting, making her believe she was crazy to think he was cheating, the constant perfect public persona which had many people wondering why she had kicked him out. The yelling behind closed doors and controlling behavior had torn Zara down until she no longer thought she was worth anything, not worthy of love, and she even considered suicide at one point during the marriage to escape. Spending $20 used to send Zara into a panic attack, because within minutes she would get a phone call with censure for the small purchase. Landon loved to play the victim to others, presenting it like Zara was the one doing the damage when he pushed her to the limit and she snapped; a classic narcissist tool of manipulation. Her children had saved her life, because she would never be selfish enough to leave them unprotected; Landon’s emotional abuse reached them, but Zara tried to buffer some of the damage. She had walked away with almost nothing just to be free. Staying in these memories were not helping Zara, so she grabbed the cleaning supplies she had carried in and began scrubbing with purpose to exorcise all the ghosts haunting her.

It took almost two hours of hustling and Zara had the house shining and ready for everyone to bring the belongings she had managed to take from the marriage. She sat on the steps of the porch and enjoyed a Coke while she waited, thinking over the past year. When she thought back over the last year, she was proud of her transformation, but she knew she had more healing to accomplish. She was learning to love herself again, accepting all her good qualities and all her flawed qualities. Zara had come to realize that all the broken pieces made a beautiful work of art, very similar to the stained-glass piece in her front door. Her light was shining brightly from within again and she was letting everyone see her true happiness, not hiding behind a mask any longer. She was truly enjoying her life and Zara was going to see live music, she was spending time hiking trails in the woods, she was putting her kayak in the water, and she knew that for the first time in a very long time everything she loved was feeding her light.

The crunch of gravel alerted her to the incoming vehicles and brought Zara out of the self-reflection, and she stood up to greet her three beautiful young adults and the movers with a bright smile. As the children greeted her with hugs and laughs, they looked a little apprehensive about the appearance of the house. She laughed at them and simply stated, “Anywhere we are together is our home, and I love it because it is mine. I think I will paint the outside lavender with blue shutters. It will look amazing with all of the marigolds and the other flowers I plan to plant.” The young adults all looked at each other and started laughing. The oldest, shaking his head, spoke for the group, “Mom, you and your purple, can we call it the Smurf house? And mom…wherever you are is our home!” With tears in her eyes, Zara led her three amazing young people into the house to show them around, knowing that she was happy, shining from within and on a path of true healing.