A MOTHER'S STORY

It took me fifteen years, fifteen long and painful years. Fifteen years of waiting and hoping but all to no avail. But now I was here , lying on the delivery bed and screaming my lungs out. I was in so much pain but I knew I needed to hold on. I knew with a little more effort I'll soon see my baby, I couldn't feel my legs and yet I felt so much pain. "Push dear, you must try harder" the nurses said as they did their best to deliver my baby.

Then finally I heard it - that sound that propelled a woman into motherhood. The very cry that filled every mother with so much joy. That whimper that made women feel so powerful, that they could take on the whole world. It was my son, my seed, my child, the very person I had waited for, for the past fifteen years.

A wave of excitement blew over me as the nurses brought him over. I shakily took him and nestled him. I felt anxious, quite scared and extremely excited all at the same time, I wondered how so many emtions took over all at the same time. Feelings so strong,so distinct that the mind fails to comprehend. But all in all there was one thing I knew, I was going to go over and beyond to give my son the best life.

A few days later we were discharged and oh my!!! everything felt so new. I watched as my husband rushed home from work everyday just to see his face. He would sing lullabies to him and rock him to sleep as I worked around the house.

Soon a year passed. It wasn't just twelve months going around and coming again, rather it was memories upon memories. It was a reflection of the heartfelt moments, the times we cried and the times we laughed. It was an embodiment of excitement and anxiety. I clearly remember his first birthday. I woke up very early to bake him a cake. It wasn't a big one, but the joy I had in making it was nothing to be compared to.

I remember how he looked at the cake with those innocent eyes of his and when I finally set it in front of him, he buried his whole face into it.

Soon another year passed. Two years??? Wow how time flies. I had had watched him crawl and walk, I had watched him cry and smile. And it all meant so much to me. Yet there was one thing, one thing that bothered me and kept me so worried. His speech had delayed. People always told me to be patient."Kids are different so don't worry". They'll usually say. But this was my son and my only child.

There were days I'll watched him play and it got me more worried. He always preferred to be alone and not with other kids, he rarely made eye contact and got easily irritated. His steps weren't very steady and sometimes he would twitch and twirl his hands.

So I took him to the hospital.

....Ma'am, your son is autistic. No introduction, no sympathy just that. I stared at the doctor for a few minutes unmoving and unshaken , I guess that was when he realized he had made a big mistake.

"Ma'am are you okay, it's not all that bad, please let me explain things to you". By now I was looking as white as a ghost. The I stood up and clutched my son so close. I started walking out of the office. Then he started running after us,... today I reflect on it and I laugh. What at all was he thinking. That I was going to kill my son? Or myself?

I don't remember how I got home but somehow I did.

That night, I didn't know how to break the news to my husband. But when I finally did, he said nothing. He looked at me with unseeing eyes and walked to the bed to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and there was a note.

"Fifteen years and you couldn't give me a child, and now an autistic human being? I'm done, I've had enough. Don't look for me, it's over."

I didn't cry, I didn't shake I just dropped the paper and walked over to my son's crib. I sat by his crib and started thinking ." Maybe I should just leave him here and also go. He might die soon anyway and could I even bare the embarrassment he was going to bring??" Just then his eyes fluttered open. It was as if he had heard my thoughts. He looked at me and for the first time since he was born, he said "mama". I shook. For the past two days I hadn't felt anything. For a moment I thought I had lost all emotions. But then I broke down, and all the welled up tears poured freely.

My son started crying too and quickly I rushed over to carry him. I smiled amidst the tears and he did too. Right then I knew, that I needed no one to convince me to stay for him. That day I swore that I will do all I can to give him the best of life.

Soon he started school. I watched him struggle with academics, I watched his teachers give up on him. There were days I felt like he wouldn't go that far. But some way somehow I kept pushing him. He had this strong will power that left me speechless.

Then he came home from school one day and said "mama I want to be a lawyer when I grow up". I smiled at him as tears flooded my eyes. He couldn't even spell his own name let alone be a lawyer. Mama do you think I can? He asked smiling.

"Of course my dear, you can be anything as long long as you believe". I wasn't sure of what I had just said. All I knew was that I had to encourage my son.

Eighteen tears later, I sat in the front row of a five thousand seater capacity auditorium and watched my son graduate from law school. Tears filled my eyes as his name was called. For over twenty years now I had cried over my son. But this time they weren't tears of worry and pain. They were tears that reminded me of story that life had etched in my heart. They were tears that reminded me that I did well in not giving up.

I smiled as he took the stage to give a speech and the first thing he said was"Mama".

Right there I knew I had done well, I had done great and there were better things to come. So that day I dared to dream a little bigger, I dared to hope to see my son marry, to see him have a life and to have kids. I dared to see him make an impact.

And of course I knew he would.

#Redefining autism