A moonless lifetime

Losing my mom is like losing a best friend, a mentor, and the biggest encourager all at once. It is an ache within that no amount of people's condolences can ever ease.

A loneliness that cannot be understood by strangers nor be empathized by more familiar ones. Above the loss, what hurts deeper is these inner wounds--the regrets and promises unfulfilled.

I wish I did not hold back and said how much you encourage me even with the simplest words you say. I miss you much more when time's hard. It's like being lost at night with an empty sky.

I hope you took care of yourself more than us. But knowing you, we are always first. Yet, I failed to appreciate it more. I love you even deeper but I failed to show it. I miss you even more every day. Without your warmth, the night is too cold.

In all the mundane moments that I took for granted, I wish I did not spend too much on my phone instead I should have bonded with you more…to ask you more of your youth, your dreams, your labor so I get to understand you better as my mother. I miss our daily chats and voice that soothe my worries. Without your presence, it’s more scary at night.

I’ll never forget how you said sorry because you’re too weak to move. It tore my heart like never before because even if I have to take care of you my whole life, I will be exhausted but never lonely. You don’t have to say sorry, I know it will never be enough to give back the sweetest love I received from you. In that short time, I can only wish I embraced you tighter. Now, I miss your cherished warmth more than ever. Without your hugs, I’ve realized how night can be lonelier.

Every medal you wore to me, I know you deserve it more than I am. In my sleepless nights, you're beside me. In all queries you guide me. In all my needs you helped me. The Lord gave me you, the best mom. I will miss you even more when I wear my toga and when I walk to the stage and receive the fruition of our hard work. Without you on my side, it will be like every moonless and starless night–incomplete.

Although you are not here, your love, laughter, and warmth will always accompany my heart and mind as I walk to the next chapter of my life and fulfill our dreams. Just as you dreamed. Just as we prayed for. I will remember and strive harder. Even now, you will continue to be my inspiration even though you will not be able to hold my first salary, live in our new house, or receive the gifts I longed to give you, I am more than happy. What you have now is what God can only offer and is too far from what I can give if you’re still here.

As you went to your real home, I thank God for the treasured years He gave us with you. It may feel like walking in a moonless night in this lifetime, but the rising of the sun will always make me remember that God is our refuge and fortress. At this lowest point of time, I feel Him more, His love and His grace that makes me still standing.

Now I can only say that if not for His goodness, not for His faithfulness, I most likely question everything, rebel, or worse give up. But all I see and feel is my ‘undeservingness’ and His amazing grace that holds me close.