A Message to My Nephew of Two Days Old

Dear Little One,

Your uncle and I are so proud of you, and so glad you're a part of our giant family.

I just wish you didn't have to be born into a bleak and heartless world.

The warmth of your family is going to be blown asunder one day by the stress of high school, worthless college courses, ridiculously expensive vocational schools, and of course, a job that will cause you to develop a life-altering disorder - like the one your beloved auntie has.

I have some words of wisdom for you, nephew. Words I wish my aunts and uncles had shared with me, instead of calling me fat or mocking the way I spoke proper English rather than the popular ebonic form.

First, never give your heart and soul to an employer. By the time you're old enough to read this, all forms of "support," "associates," and "assistance" will be replaced by poorly made bots managed by a guy peering through a camera from a country that isn't the one you were born in.

It's okay to be a hard worker. But work hard for yourself. If you have smart, wise friends or mentors you can lean on - follow their lead. Your boss doesn't know anything. In fact, he's legally not allowed to share anything, because he sold company secrets to a competitor hoping to become an executive instead of the lowly, useless clown of a general manager that he is.

Next, choose wealth over everything else. Debt is the trap society uses to keep you complacent. Do not pay for college, young nephew - earn scholarships. Let the rich pay for your education, if you so choose. If you must learn a trade, find a job that offers free training. Your auntie was so very dumb when she called a vocational school for information and ended up enrolled in a $14,000 tech course without a working laptop. The laptop was allegedly free but somehow showed up on the final receipt. Funny how that works.

On the subject of debt - don't stress yourself out over owning a car, a home, or even a phone. Everything is pay-later, own-never. Buy a house outright and it still belongs to the government the moment you miss your property taxes one year. And don't plan on buying a well-made vehicle either. By the time you're driving, the well-made ones will be in a junkyard alongside all the neat-o quantum gadgets and IoT fridges with built-in forever-ads.

Finally, find something that brings you joy and contentment. Happiness does not exist in the year of your birth - it's more like melancholy, like the awkward silence at a wake after the funeral of a long-forgotten family friend. The world is deeply digital now. Your big brothers will spend more time on a screen watching commercialized characters turned into strange AI slop than they will spend with you.

I think you'll live a better life than me. Your father travels the world to make sure you make it to Disney every month. And, your mom, she's got your grandparents as back-up for when you three boys get a little wild.

And, you know what, you've got me and your uncle, to help you learn how to adult (maybe) because I'm obligated by marriage. All that said, I'm really glad I got to meet you. I love you like the moon loves cheese.

But always remember - even though I have a life-altering disorder and may never live to see you grow up, even though I'm barely in my thirties - I will always love you. Even if you collect thousands of rejection letters from employers all over the country because the job has been shipped overseas.