A. LITTLE. BLACK. BOOK

She is gone. She is really gone.

I stared at the windowpane hoping the dark looming clouds would take a breath and allow the rain to fall. Perhaps if they did, then I could finally take a breath and let my tears fall as well.

The funeral was a waste of time if you asked me, but since no one had asked me, I was left looking over an empty casket while a group of strangers shed their tears and said their pitiful goodbyes. I couldn't feel anything, I haven't felt anything since 6:05 pm on Tuesday when my aunt Kendra called and told me that my mother was dead. I didn't shed one tear; all I could do is sit down and stare at the wall.

I hadn't seen my mother since my 21st birthday, that was four years ago and now, I know that I will never see her again. Aunt Kendra invited me to go identify her body, but I couldn't bare it, my mother was no saint, but she was still my mother and to see her lifeless would haunt me forever. Kendra came to see me after the viewing and told me that my mother had been gone so long before anyone found her that she was almost unrecognizable, her tattoos gave her away though, so it was in fact, my mother. I just sat there, thanked Kendra and asked her to give me space. Still, didn't shed a tear.

Now, I am sitting here, and the rain has finally begun to pour. Still no tears.

"Desirae, please come here." Kendra summoned me over to where her and a man with a black cape and top hat were standing.

"Desirae, this Myron Colter. He and your mother were longtime friends. He has something he would like to say to you." Oh god! My mother had a lot of male 'long time friends' what did he want?

You see, my mother had promiscuous tendencies. She slept around, a lot. So much so, that she didn't really know my father, he was a one-night stand that knocked her up and she never saw him again. The only things she knew about him was his name is Andrew, he is from Canada and he comes from a wealthy family. They met in a bar when my mother was eighteen years old on a summer's afternoon. They talked for hours and once the sun had set, he invited her to go on a walk in the park, after some time, they made love underneath a large oak tree, he told her he would meet her the following night, but he never showed up and nine months later, I arrived. At seventeen I asked her how she even knew that he was my father, and she claims that she had never been with a man before that. I didn't believe her, but that's neither here nor there.

"Nice to meet you Desirae, your mother and I were close, and I will miss her for the rest of my life. How are you holding up my dear?" Myron held out his hand signaling for mine. I didn't give in. "I am very sad." that was a lie. You mentioned that you and my mother were close. How come I have never heard of you before?". I could see the look of surprise and embarrassment on his face.

" I'm sure Olly had her reasons" he said slyly.

Olly? That was the nickname given to my mother when she was a child by her grandparents. She told me that she hated it and she would only let the people closest to her call her that. At fourteen, she decided to go only by her birth name, Olivia.

" I'm sure she did, and how do you know my mom?"

Before he could speak, my Uncle Everett grabbed my arm and led me to the other room. He told me that Myron was this creepy older guy that befriended my mother when she was only ten years old. Everett never trusted him, but my mother adored him. I asked him why Kendra didn't seem to know him, and he reminded me that Kendra was ten years younger than him, so she wasn't around when Myron came into their lives. I guess my mother has always had a knack for attracting inappropriate men. He told me to stay away from Myron. I trusted him, so I listened. I was ready to go home anyway. I grabbed my jacket and my purse; I kissed Kendra and Everett goodbye then walked out the door. As I was searching for the keys in my purse, I felt an eerie presence behind me and then a cold touch on my shoulder.

"Ms. Abernathy, I need to speak to you"

When I turned it was Myron. I jumped back against my car out of shock.

"You mustn't fear me, please. I know that I am a stranger to you, but your mother and I were like family. Trust me, I have never caused her any harm and I would never cause you any as well. Do you trust me?" He gazed into my eyes and I felt a tug on my soul. My body no longer felt like mine and all I wanted to do was melt in his arms. He felt like home and I instinctively knew I could trust him.

"Yes" I said honestly.

"Okay, get in your car and follow me to this address." Myron handed me a black business card with silver lettering; it had his name and address. I nodded and he walked away.

What am I doing? Since when is it ok to go to a stranger's home? I know better than this, I am not my mother. I don't know what it was but something inside of me burst open when Myron touched me. I felt a yearning and a feeling of safety. Damn. Why me? Why today? I don't know why meeting with me is so important, but at this point I am dedicated. I just want this day to end so I can continue with the rest of my life.

I pulled up to this small unassuming cottage in the middle of the woods, it looked like something out of a fairytale. Why did this place look and feel so familiar to me? I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt as if I had been here before; I scanned my brain for any memories but could come up with none. The wind was wild, and my bushy hair was dancing along with it making it difficult for me to see what was in front of me as I walked up to the cottage. Before I could knock, the door whipped open and Myron 's voice echoed through for me to come in, then the unexpected happened, it was like the house grew! All the sudden I was standing in the middle of a large entrance way and in front of a spiral staircase that seemed to reach the heavens.

"Alarming, isn't it?"

His sudden voice and presence shook me, and a small embarrassing squeaking sound came out of my mouth.

"Yes, I don't understand... it was so small from the outside, but in the inside, its massive." the words stumbling out of my mouth.

"Perhaps its magic or maybe it’s an optical illusion, which is a type of magic within itself." he said with a mysterious tone. " Your mother and I used to come here a lot when she was a child. She loved it here, her favorite spot was the garden, we would spend hours there and have the most fun. I wish you knew her back then, perhaps if you did, you would have shed tears about her passing."

Wait! What? How did he know that I hadn't shed any tears about my mother's death? I chose not to act surprised about his knowing this. So, I stared at him blankly.

"Desirae, I know your history with your mother and I also know the pain and suffering that you've endured because of what you think was reckless behavior. Come sit, I have some tea waiting and it should now be cool enough to drink now. " I followed him into the dining room where there were two cups of tea waiting. I took a small, delicious sip of tea.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I have had a very long day. Can you just get to the point so I can go home and sleep off this nightmare? As you can probably tell, I am not a big people person and all I have done is deal with people for the past few days, so I would like to continue my life as it was before all of this." I felt the emotion tingle up to my throat as I was speaking, and I managed to swallow it as quickly as it rose.

"I have something for you, it was your mother's. She kept this with her always and she ensured me that she wanted you to have it. " Myron pulled out a little black book from inside his cape. "Please stay and read it, there are important things in this book that you should know, who knows, perhaps this book will help bring meaning and closure to your mother's life story." He sprung up from his chair and asked me to follow him to the garden. As I followed him, I noticed pictures of my mother hanging about the cottage, pictures from her youth, teens and her adult years. There were even pictures of her and I, but why? I wanted to ask him about it, but I knew not to. When we arrived outside, I was breathless. It was the most beautiful garden I have ever seen! There were flowers of every kind, a treehouse, fountains, a small lake and a pathway through it all. The beauty of it was overwhelming and I felt like a captive to it all.

"Will you stay?" Myron asked with an urgency.

"Yeah, I will stay" How could I say no?

I found the perfect bench to sit on, once I opened the book I began reading:

Dear Diary,

"My name is Olivia, but everyone calls me Olly..."

Then a bright light sprang from the pages and I was absorbed into the light... All the sudden everything was in black and white and I could see my mom's whole life story right in front of my eyes. Every important event that happened since the first page in the black book which described meeting Myron and being brought to this cottage to the time she met my father to the day before she died. I yelled for her, why couldn't she hear me, then the bright light showed up again and I was back in the garden... I found myself kneeling on the ground with the book about two feet away from me and every feeling that I had ever held in released itself and tears flowed from my eyes like a waterfall.

I got up with book in hand and ran into the house, slightly blinded by my teary eyes.

“Myron, Myron! I now understand why she was the way she was! This book is magic! It has revealed so much. Where are you?” He was nowhere to be found. When I went into the dining room, I saw a briefcase and a note. I read the note:

“And now your life begins…. Love Mom.”

I opened the briefcase and there was a deed for the cottage and $20,000 cash. She had also written down my father’s full name and his current address. I fell to the ground in disbelief. I stayed and cried in that spot for hours. After a while. I grabbed the book and wrote:

"I miss and love you mom. Please forgive me. Thank you. Love Desirae"